Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Letting out the belt loop on my brain

Here's some shockaprising news:

I was up worrying all last night.

I did the 2:00am check and didn't go back to sleep. 
('Cause nighttime is the best time to worry...you totally know it.)

You probably think I was up worrying about my sweet husband
and all of the scans and appointments he has today.

That would totally make sense. 

But no.

I was worrying about my 10 year old son and the epic field trip he is going on today.

I'm sure when the fourth grade teachers got together they were over the moon that they were going to take these kids a few hours away to Old Sacramento and let them experience the rich history of California.  I'm sure they spoke of all the educational applications within the trip, and the advantage of seeing history in action.

They are good teachers.  I'm sure they talked about all of that.

But what I'm sure they didn't do, was talk about B, and my capacity to handle the worry associated with this trip.  Not that they should have discussed such things...but I'm selfish, so I'm going there.

If they did discuss B and my brain, I'm sure they would have come to the obvious revelation that Meri has a lot on her plate and doesn't need the extra worry of her son leaving on an EXTENDED day, 8:30am to 6:00pm field trip.  (And yes, I do realize that this field trip has probably been planned for months and months.  But it was nighttime, and nothing makes sense in the nighttime, remember?)

Over the years my brain has been muscled up with worry.  It can hold a lot of it, that's for sure.  It was many years of conditioning and adding bits of worry day after day.  My ability to worry is quite impressive, my swelly brain is living proof of that.

But I'm at capacity people.  A hint more of worry and I might blow.

So I spent the night putting out fires in my head and quieting the tempests of my swelly brain with meal plans and diabetes supply precautions.

He's gone on field trips before.  B is a super capable kid.  B's teacher is on it, he is a great guy. 

But factor in the nighttime crazies, a mother who's brain is in flux, and my uncanny ability to worry about such things little things as having enough mayonnaise in the fridge and such big things as my husband's scan results ...well, you get the picture...no sleep.

Lucky for me the morning sunrise brings hope and a new day. 

Though, as wonderful as that hope is...I'm pretty sure I'm going to spend this day looking forward to the sunset, when my family will all be together again.

Because being together as a family is even cooler than learning about this great state we live in.

Family trumps field trips.

B may not know that yet.  But one day when he has his own littles, he definitely will.

And as for my brain?  Well, it has another hole in its belt loop I am sure.  It always finds a way to cope...and  since Ryan's friend offered last minute to drive Ryan around this morning, I think that coping will come in the form of scrubbing my bathroom.  (Or a pedicure...Terra?  Call me!)


  1. Haha! I think my mom would have freaked out if I had diabetes when I was your kids' ages.

    I lived in Southern California and we also went to Sacramento in fourth grade - only for us it invovled a plane ride.

    Imagine sending your 10 year old off with 100 other kids to RIDE A PLANE to the state capital :)

    Have some fun and take some deep breaths today!

  2. Oh Sweet Meri... I so get it. I'm a worrier, too. Of it was an Olympic Sport- id so be on that podium! I worry about everyone and everything. So while I can tell you not to worry and that he will be fine in his trip... I also know its pointless because you can't help but worry! I saw this quote on Pinterest the other day and saved it to my phone so I could reread it often. It said: Don't worry about everything around you. That's my job. Love, Jesus.
    So try to let Him do His job! Love you!

  3. I love Hallie's comment. Because worrying is inaction. Praying is action. I hate sitting around thinking of all the bad things that could happen - it is paralyzing. I hate when I find myself doing it (which for as much as I hate it, you'd think I'd stop!) So I do actively try to pray about it when I find myself worrying. And it really does help. Praying for you, Ryan and especially B on his field trip today!!!

  4. Meri, I just want to reach out and give you the biggest hug. I'm a "worrier warrior" too. There's nothing worse than laying in bed and being consumed with worry. You have sooo much on your plate and you are such an inspiration in how you handle everything, but you also get to be human! I pray the day passes quickly and all your loved ones will be safe at home soon....so you can get some much deserved sleep!!!!

  5. Those nighttime checks cause me to struggle to go back to sleep as well. I pray this trip goes perfectly and that the scans come back with great news. All your men need you so take care of yourself, sweety. Go for the pedicure.Eat healthy and do what you can to ensure a better night of sleep. I will pray for that too.

  6. Hi, Meri! I so get you...I hope you got to do the pedicure!!
    Love & big hugs from me...btw, did you get the BT Choir CDs I sent? Hope they got to the right place all the way across our big country! Thinking of you. :)

  7. Please tell us you got the pedicure!
    It's 6pm here and I've said a little prayer that B had/is having a wonderful, fantabulous day with no d-issues.
    Said another one for Ryan that the appointments were good.
    Still hoping that YOU opted for the pedicure - even better if you closed your eyes in the chair and just let it go.

  8. I wish I could take you to get a pedicure, manicure and a massage - sounds like a perfect way to spend a few hours. I just want you to know how often I think of you, how my mother-in-law asks me repeatedly about your husband, sons, and you. I am amazed at your ability to go far beyond coping and still be filled with such hope. Here's to a lovely day :)

  9. I'm a worrier myself and often find myself up late pondering D-related items... not to mention all-important D-blog writing and commenting! You deserve such a big hug, Meri. So here's a virtual one, my friend.

  10. Love how the sunrise can bring things back into focus!
    Here's hoping the sunset brings peace that passes all understanding!

  11. I found myself wishing I already lived in CA - moving there soon. I don't even know where you live other than you mentioned Sacramento and while my understanding of CA geography is limited (for right now) I'm fairly certain it isn't too far from where I'm moving to (east bay area) - anyway I found myself wishing I was already there because I would simply go on the field trip. I know I wouldn't be needed but as a mom of multiple CWD I know that I would feel better knowing another parent who truly understands was standing by ready for any craziness that could (but won't) happen. Although likely having a complete stranger hanging about would add additional worries to your plate. Somehow the docs forgot to tell me that in addition to bs checks, insulin dosing, and carb counting - constant worry would be part of our new normal. All will be well for your B - he will return with an appreciation for the great state of CA and an increased sense of independence and confidence. My prayers continue for you and your dear family. Hugs (not at all strange coming from the perfect stranger who if living in CA would offer to follow your child around the CA country side)

  12. Just found your blog- and wow! I am the wife of a type 1 diabetic who was diagnosed at a later age in life (22). I am also a nurse, but it is so refreshing to see that thoughts I have and the worrying isn't just me. I get alot of- oh, you are a nurse so you can just take care of him, but as a wife, I am also on the side of caring and worrying about a drop during a road trip or bike ride. Such a blessing to find your blog!


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