I was so exhausted at night I came up with the brilliant idea of letting the kids go to bed a little higher than I usually do...just to curb the 2am lows. I thought, "Who would fault me? Just a smidge higher. No biggie."
But diabetes doesn't allow shortcuts. Diabetes does not allow you NOT to try your best. Low 200's mean me doing a ton more laundry, and boys waking up not feeling so great in the morning.
So then I think..."A couple more hot lunches aren't going to hurt. Who would fault me for not making homemade lunches every day of the week?"
Here is the issue with that one...they actually have to LIKE the hot lunch. And when you pre-bolus, and one of them doesn't eat said lunch? Well that leads to a 31 at 1:00 in the afternoon.
As I ran through the halls of my boy's school the other day gripping two juice boxes in my hands, I pondered the ridiculousness of the situation. Such a little thing, allowing hot lunch...and here I was worried my son will pass out or have a seizure because of it.
No shortcuts allowed. Ever. No NOT trying. Ever.
When it comes to diabetes, shortcuts mean more work and sometimes even danger. It's a hard lesson to learn that we have to always TRY, or there are consequences.
Another thing not allowed within the parameters of Our Diabetic Life: Muting the phone when you are in the doctor's office.
Inevitably someone will be low and you will have 4 missed phone calls, and to sweeten the pot you'll get two missed texts from your son who needs you to bring his Jazz band uniform to school STAT.
Another thing not allowed? Putting off needed set changes until the morning.
This morning two of the boys pumps alarmed at the same time on the way to school. It is iffy whether all three boys will make through the school day without running out of insulin. With my expert guesstimations, two will run out about an hour before school gets out.
Do I go to the schools at lunch and refill, or play the hand and see what happens? There is usually a little bit of insulin still delivered after the pump shows zero units, right?
Yeah, I have a problem.
Somebody stop me.
Sad thing is, I've already learned all these lessons before. Apparently, I'm a glutton for punishment and think It would be fun to relearn them all over again.
You can't gamble with diabetes. You have to always try. Otherwise everything can crumble quickly. I can't do it all, but I can try my best not to take too many shortcuts/risks.
Yoda has a famous saying:
Respectfully, Yoda...you can suck it. (Not very ladylike, sorry for that.)
In Our Diabetic Life...it is all about the try.
NOT trying is not allowed.
Try, or try not. That is all we can do.
I love you, Sweet Meri! I know you are exhausted and I know how easy it is to take short cuts. Do not fault yourself for that. You are doing the very best you can. I wish I could help. I wish I could do your laundry and your night checks and make those lunches. I do!! I would!! But I can't so what I will do is to continue to pray for you and for Ryan and for your strength.
ReplyDeleteLove you!! XOXOXOXOX
Robin and I were just discussing this. It is not like you can say, "you know boys, we have this other huge crisis in our lives right now so I think we will just put diabetes on the back burner. We can pick it up again in a few months or so". If juice needs to be rushed to class- please call me. I probably live closer than you anyway. And don't be too hard on yourself. Those "shortcuts" you take may end up being some that actually work. Do you need a cocoa date?
ReplyDeleteMeri, I so wish wish were neighbors. I'd substitute for you anytime! If it makes you feel any better, even after being diabetic for 25 years myself, I still have to relearn every now and then that we can't ever let something slide with diabetes. There is no relaxing the standards unless we want to pay for it all later. I love you, sweet lady! Your family will stay in my thoughts and prayers until you announce that miracle we're all praying for!
ReplyDeleteDiabetes does not play fair. And it sucks. If we can lighten that burden in any way please let us. Love you so much. Cocoa date when you can.
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing about diabetes: it doesn't play fair, and the treatment of the disease is downright insane. But, there are other things you may not have considered. For example, kids adjust pretty quickly. So if you allowed them to go to bed a bit higher than usual, they might not feel great the first day or two, but by day 3, they would have adjusted to it. And some shortcuts may be easier than you imagined. Maybe hot lunches at school have too much variability, but what about buying premade sandwiches from a local deli? You can test the content and know if they'll eat these things. And, as an adult who was diagnosed as a kid (age 7) before meters were even invented, I can tell you that the kids will survive without horrible long-term damage. I'm living proof of that! Short cuts may be in order, but maybe you'll need to consider WHICH shortcuts are worth taking ... you may just find a middle road ends up working pretty well!
ReplyDeleteYour care of your boys is top notch and you do try your best. But there are going to be nights when you know you are so tired you may not respond to the alarm or may even fall asleep on the couch. Two nights a week, when I get up at 5am for work, I take the last nightly blood sugar at 1am and make sure BS is 150. Alternatively, I have tried BS 130 and minus five percent for four hours. It has worked, rarely backfiring. Sometimes she may be 170 but usually under 150; it buffers so she does not go low. There are lots of easy lunches: granola bars, fruit, crackers and cheese, chips. And you can even prebolus half and bolus for the rest after for school lunches. Your boys should know that if they skip part of their meal they have to make it up and call you. I can see you are trying to do everything, not cutting yourself any slack, and am concerned you will wear yourself to the bone. There are shortcuts.... but not every day of the week, maybe a few days a week. Because if you make yourself sick trying to do it all 100 percent right every second of the day and night, there will be no caretaker. I hope you can get help from family and friends and you will find ways to make things easier. P.S. Our DD's A1cs have not suffered running her higher a few nights a week. And I wouldn't do it if there was another way. Do the best you can. God bless you and yours.
ReplyDeleteMeri, don't kid yourself...you have more TRY than anyone I know! I'm sorry that you are stressed and exhausted. I so wish there was some way for me to take some of that from you. Love you my sweet friend!
ReplyDeleteHe is it that in a time of such great need, you are able to give so freely? Seriously, please don't ever give up writing. You have a way with words that make them jump off the page and settle in people's hearts. You are so relatable and that provides comfort beyond measure. And, we are all trying riot along with you, my sweet. Love you MMMmmmemeeeerrrriiiiii
ReplyDeleteI am with everyone here and it was cool to see Amy's pretty face first thing this morning too!
ReplyDeleteMeri, accept any advice and especially any help you can. Cocoa? Tick! Offers to clean the house? Tick!
Get those cocoa dates sorted out and drink your cocoa and rest your head on your friends' shoulders. Have a snooze in that cafe! Scott's idea of sandwiches from a deli is a fab. When I am pushed we have BLTs twice a week for dinner. The bacon's warm right? So it's a hottish meal...ahem. And then sometimes we eat at the great cafe at the supermarket and then do our shopping. Two jobs in one. Or go to Subway one evening a week or two, just for a while. Oh, I so wish, like everyone else, that I could be nearer and swing by to clean the house, cook huge batches of food and wipe your tired brow. Sweet friend, hang in there. All you are is enough; it is perfect.
HOLY SHIT-SKIS Meri!!! Your post is perfect...no matter what you are enduring in this life, "D" don't cut ya much slack...does it. Your care of the boyz during this stressful time is fantastic. Glad to read your sense of humor sneaking in there. "TRY"... I think that is my favorite quality in people. Love ya girl. xo
ReplyDeleteThat is the hardest thing about diabetes...it doesn't care what you're going through, it's demands remain ever constant even through our stormiest storms. How I wish you weren't going through a storm... my thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some amazing insight to share. Something that would make D behave so you can get rest and not miss phone calls and texts during appointments and not have to worry about one more thing right now. Alas, I have nothing. Nothing but love and prayers and long distance hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh, and several 'what he said' and 'yep, that's an awesome idea' and 'amen' to all the other fab comments!
goodness, I hear ya...there are those moments where we think, well just this one thing can't really make an impact but it seems to be the wrench that makes everything else more difficult. I can't imagine how full your plate is right now and all you're doing. I wish I were closer to pitch in with homemade lunches, extra hands to refill pump cartridges...anything. You continue to inspire me, all you do, because you do keep trying. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteOh D never plays fair. I love what Scott suggested though! I, too, had diabetes as a kid, and we do adjust incredibly quickly. Kids are amazingly resilient. Look for the shortcuts worth taking, just like Scott suggested. Oh I wish I lived closer and could be a free nanny for you! Someone else mentioned taking friends up on their offers to help. Let them! Sending you love...
ReplyDeletebeing ladylike is so overrated! ;)
ReplyDeletekeep on keepin on, my friend. <3
Please don't beat yourself up for the little short-cuts. I only have to take care of one diabetic (myself) and I'm an adult and I still take short-cuts all the time, even if I know they *could* end in disaster. It's a relentless disease. Peace and support to you.
ReplyDelete