"Meri, you are doing a great job."
Why did she keep saying it? I'm doing a pretty good job. I mean, I'm no Madam Curie or anything. I know I can do better. If I put my heart into it, I can probably improve on those A1C's...
"Meri, you are doing a great job."
As I lay in bed last night just about to surrender to sleep her words echoed in my swelly brain. I know she wanted them to sink in, I don't know how she did it, but her tone was firm yet soft at the same time. I know she knows I am hard on myself. Was she trying to ease the guilt? Or was she really speaking the truth?
Nah. I rolled over and thought of all the ways I can improve our diabetes management at home. I was deep into my list and again, almost into dreamland, when somewhere deep in my subconscious I heard it one more time:
"Meri, you are doing a great job."
And this time I listened.
And for one brief euphoric moment I let myself drink in every ounce of those words. I felt the rush of letting those words rinse away years of inadequacy and if onlys.
My yoke was lifted and for those fleeting seconds I felt like I could fly. I allowed myself to believe and the freedom my soul felt in that small moment was so overwhelming, the tears came.
I don't know if this moment was sponsored by a higher force, or just my cough medicine....but let me tell you, I'll never forget that feeling in that moment as long as I live.
Don't worry, I didn't wake up with a big head this morning. I'm back to being my own fallible self who has a ton to work on. But I have to think that there is something to this believing thing. I wonder if believing I am doing a good job will take the edge off my guilt, or if it will only make me soft and lead to me slacking on my pancreatic duties.
I'm going to take a leap of faith, and sporadically give this believing thing a shot, and then return and report to you.
Who knows...maybe it will lead to a revolution for all of us! A new day of release from all that weighs us down!
There has got to be a better way. I've let guilt control me for so long I seriously think my body is deteriorating from it all. The words our endo said were so simple, but so powerful.
"Meri, you are doing a great job." I think I will hang those words on my wall to commemorate the small instant I truly believed. Maybe it will lead to more moments like that and I will be able to slowly but surely release my guilt in small, healing doses.
It's so flipping crazy...it just might work!
Yes, you are doing a great job, don't doubt it. Four boys, three with D; my head spins just imagining it. You explored every avenue, you have a DAD, utilize cgms when necessary.... You are no slacker. It hurts your boys when you feel guilt... they can pick up on your mood. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Keep playing that positive message from your endo over and over again in your mind day and night until you believe it. Adding one more burden (guilt) to your heavy load surely is too much for any human to carry. Release yourself. You do all that you can and more. Believe it.
ReplyDeleteMeri, you are doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteYou ARE doing a great job!!! I believe it. You should too. I wrote a post about this about a year back, about accepting praise. It's hard for me and I can see it's hard for you. There is always the voice on the shoulder telling me I can do it better.
ReplyDeleteI am telling you and wishing that you accept it, cause you ARE doing a GREAT job!
Yes, you are fantastic. No question!
ReplyDeleteYesterday, someone paid me a compliment and I found myself making excuses instead of just saying thank you. I'm going to work on that and you need to as well.
Because....you are doing a great job.
if you have to have it embroidered into a pillow so you can see it every day, then do.
ReplyDeletei've discovered that sometimes my kid will beat herself up about a particular number and i try to give her the old "it's just data, treat it and move on" but then i realize sometimes i don't model that for her if i'm apologizing for messing up her post-dinner number or something. it's a constant battle, but if i want her to have a healthy attitude about it, i have to try to act that way myself. that's why i'd say that one way to measure how successful you are as a PoCWD would be how the kid manages it as they transition into adulthood. looks like you're on the right track there. <3
Meri, you ABSOLUTELY are doing a GREAT job!!!! Don't you doubt that for one second!!
ReplyDeleteAnother inspirational post. Thanks Meri!
ReplyDeleteI'm not a parent of a type 1. I'm not a parent at all actually, but I do have type 1 and have for 18 years. From someone whose mother did a great job with D-management, You are doing a Great job! You inspire me constantly -- thank you!
ReplyDeleteI have never met you, I came upon your blog by accident or by divine intervention. My daughter was diagnosed March 28th of this year. I have been angry, hurt, mad, upset and everywhere in between. Your blog has helped so much. I have learned alot. I have laughed and cried but most of all come to feel that I am not alone. Thank you so much! You are doing a great job.
ReplyDeleteYou mean you haven't been listening when I tell you that you are wonderful???? Meri!!! YOU.ARE.DOING.A.GREAT.JOB!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing an awesome job! Believe in yourself, Meri.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of my favorite quotes...
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
You are one of the strongest women I know and your doing a good job.