Devoid of light, my soul anguishes in my ineptitude.
Seeing two 400's staring back at me tonight didn't help things. In fact it began a tailspin that even I am worried I won't recover from.
In this nighttime all my hope is drowned away in pools of tears in my hands. All my positivity is enveloped in the black hole of my pity.
How is it ok that I am so completely responsible for my boys well being?
How is it ok that it is all on my shoulders?
Is this a cruel joke? Will my best ever be good enough?
When my boys are adults will I be able to look them in the eye and say, I really truly did my best?
How does the night strangle away all my victories?
Why do I only see the defeats?
What is it about the darkness that makes all my mistakes magnify a 100 times over?
At this moment all I can say is it isn't fair.
They are so beautiful. It isn't fair.
damn it. It isn't fair.
I hate the night. I desperately need the light of the new day. I need a new beginning.
Nothing good can come of this overwhelming darkness. I feel prisoner to the feelings of despair and grief.
I need to break out of here.
I can't let the darkness win.
I can't let the darkness make me feel hopeless.
I can't give up.
...
I'm going to stop crying now. I am going to stop and I am going to move forward. I will persevere and I will not give up...
Even though the darkness tells me to.
I WILL not give up.
I will NOT give up.
I can do this.
I will bring these 400's to their knees and I will fight every number for as long as my boys let me.
I don't know if I'm just too stubborn, or if I'm too stupid, but I am stronger than this. I feel my fight coming back.
I WILL NOT give up.
Tomorrow the sun will rise and the darkness will lose.
Tomorrow is a new day.
One day at a time.
Thank you Laura for your saying, "keep calm and carry on." That is what I will do right this minute.
Giving into the darkness is not an option.
There is no victory in my pity. Circumstances aren't likely to change anytime soon.
I don't know the reason.
I don't care that it isn't fair.
I will keep swimming,
And I'll say a prayer that tomorrow the light will be so bright, my soul will be hard pressed to absorb all the hope it will bring along with it.
Keep cam and carry on... Love it!
ReplyDeleteSweet Meri, you WILL be able to look them in the eye and tell them, you did your best. I don't think they even need to ask you that question, they already KNOW you do you best. They know they are loved more than life and they love you more than life. One little 400(okay two) will never change that.
I love you sista!! I am going to wear me stripper shoes tomorrow in case you need a heel shoved up d's a$$ :)
Big deep breath - and the sun will always come up after the dark :)
ReplyDeleteI know I ALWAYS say this...
ReplyDelete"MERI = MY HERO"
The darkness, the exhaustion, the still of the house...always makes the time seem more dire and bleak. I love you Meri. xo
You will do it, simply because your love for your boys far outweighs any crap this disease can dish out.
ReplyDeleteAnd, because you are Meri.
'Nuff said.
Night always brings about the day. The sun will always rise. It's time like the night that calls on my faith to know that in the morning, we are granted yet another 24 hours. Don't squander it, enjoy each moment. I know you can and how do I know that Meri? Because I have faith in YOU.
ReplyDeleteMeri, I can say with absolute certainty, that my parents did not do even close to what all you D moms do. There were no middle of the night bg checks. I didn't get cake and ice cream and all the other taboo things that diabetics aren't supposed to have (hahaha, maybe my childhood would have been a lot more normal had my parents known the truth). And here I am, 19 years later, now 29 years old, with a 6.9 a1c, no foot problems, no eye problems, so complications of any kind (except high blood pressure, but I attribute that to bad genetics and my boyfriend). So, yes, you are doing the best you can, and I'm sure your boys would agree with you. They are happy, healthy, and thriving. One day, they'll have to do it all on their own (but not really, because as my mom says, no matter how old I am, she's still my mommy), and they will do just fine, because they had the best teacher in the world :)
ReplyDeleteMeri~I'm glad you're feeling better. I think you're an awesome Mother, and all your boys need to do is look at this blog to see all the labor, sweat and tears you've poured into managing their health. A veteran Mom told me years ago that kids really appreciate all the love and sacrifice Moms make for them...I know that as your kids take over more of their care, it's going to hit them that Mom did all of that for them, times three, for YEARS!!! They're going to be kissing your feet! :)
ReplyDeleteYou're doing awesome and you're inspiring and cheering countless D-parents on in the process. Great job!
And, I LOVE Laura's saying, "Keep calm & carry on" as well...I've started saying that in my daily life, along with your saying of "putting on your big girl panties and getting it done!" :)
Amazing that you all impact me in my daily life through your blogs! :)
Love & blessings~
Jessica
I'll say the same thing I wish I'd heard back when I was 7...10...15...20...etc. as a young PWT1D, because it's just as true for you: Your worth, your value as a dMom is in no way represented by BG #s. They don't represent how "good" or how "bad" of a job anyone does caring for diabetes, because there is no such thing. They're just numbers. They represent BG measurements, not human worth or love. We do the best we can--you do everything you can--and no one is perfect. NO ONE. Diabetes, that nasty bugger, makes decisions and plays tricks and just basically messes w/us in ways we can't always predict, even when we're trying as hard as we can. Please be gentle with yourself. You are the light in those boys' d-lives, and they won't even know how much that's true for decades. You are so amazing, not just for all that you do for everyone else, but because of who you are. Don't forget that. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting here sobbing. I cried the whole way back from Js school. Sometimes the reality of what we do and why weighs heavy. There's no end point. It will always just be.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post as usual. I'm swimming with you friend. Love you!
We all feel it;
ReplyDeleteThe powerlessness
The angry despair
The self doubt
The recurring panic
The nights when sitting for hours beside a bed is preferable to sleep
The wishing we could be there ALL the time
The instinctive need to 'make it better' (I mean, isn't that what parents are meant to do?)
But;
You are feeling this way because you CARE so much,
You are currently doing much more than you would have once ever thought possible
Your boys have the best defence against D - You, and they WILL appreciate it in years to come,
And;
You are not alone in this fight, there are millions of us together.
Will it get easier - No
Will the bad feelings go away - No
Why? Because we care....
All we can do is KBO (keep buggering on); as our children grow older there will be better treatments, be they biological or mechanical.
The sun will continue to rise and the seasons will continue to pass and we'll continue to watch over and protect our kids to the best of our ability.
I love you, Meri --- you do such an amazing job with those sweet boys of yours. The night can be so long, dark and frustrating but there is always the refreshing light of the morning that can put things back in their place.
ReplyDeleteKeep calm and carry on, Sweet Meri.
Or join me while I FREAK out and run AMOK!
I have no words but that this post is simply beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI love you for practicing what you preach and writing when it hurts the most to get through it. I am honored to be a part (as tiny as iti may be) of your life, but more importantly, you in mine. You are amazing. You CAN do this. And . . . you're not alone. My prayers are always with you.
ReplyDeleteLove it and love you.
ReplyDeleteNo matter if your light & funny or speak of the reality & darkness you always have the right words to say!!
so heavy. thanks for sharing the dark along with the light. here's a song that might help the light stick around a bit longer: http://t.co/Z9WjT7Z
ReplyDelete<3
Oh Meri. I'm sorry you had such a rough night. ( I saw on FB that your son made your day. Blessing!). But those dark times are so hard. Never forget that the Lord is with you even on those darkest of days.
ReplyDeleteFor I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you Do not fear, I am with you. Isaiah 41:13
you are an amazing mom Meri. Your boys know that and will forever have a special place in their hearts for you and will most definitely know that you did the best that you could for them. You are AMAZING and do not ever forget that! I hope this night is better for you. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteyou know what Sarah's comment above said is true. Your self worth has nothing to do with that number. A while back you wrote a post about how the big thing is that you see a number and you act on it, you give insulin when needed, sugar when needed - you act and respond. That post has brought me through many dark nights, Meri, I have been so thankful for it.
ReplyDeleteMy mother-in-law has a plaque on her wall that says, "All I know about tomorrow is God will rise before the sun." In that little statement I know that my worry, pity, fear...has no place, for it's already been taken care of :)
So loved this Meri. Just touched home today. This disease tries to break us down constantly and sometimes it's just plain hard to keep up the fight but it's what we do...time and time again.
ReplyDelete