A 4am plea to Insulin Pump Companies.

Let’s get real here.

There is an insulin pump defect that needs to be addressed. The defect is mostly affecting teenagers, Although children and adults everywhere are susceptible to the consequences this defect provides…

Listen.

Let me lay this out for you. I’m going to talk about teenagers here. (Not about your teenager, I’m sure your teenager is an honor student, and perfectly obedient to all alarms, and does most everything right, and would never even fathom what’s about to go down here. Ok? This probably doesn’t apply to you…but you can keep reading. For pity, or you know…to boost your self-esteem….I get it…)

Anyway.

I’m fully aware that teens’ frontal lobes haven’t completely connected properly…they’re victims until the mid 20’s.

I know they’re at a disadvantage. I know it isn’t their fault.

Most…

Some…

A lot…

Teenagers as a collective?

YES!…teenagers as a group can’t do all the necessary remembering all the time.  Their brains just don’t have the synapsis for reason to travel upon. 

Sometimes they forget. Or procrastinate.

But...

Ok, listen.

It’s 4 am.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of all pump companies, asking for some love. A little help here, please?

When a pump runs out of insulin, there needs to be epicness.

Sure the synapses are still working on creating their paths from one side of the brain to another, but for teens there is one synapse that has a sure, well connected path: The Embarrassment Synapse.

When insulin runs out on a pump…you guys need to make it embarrassing for teenagers.

So they’ll actually add more insulin.

BECAUSE THEY IGNORE THE ALARMS.

Listen. LINDA, LISTEN.

You’re sweet little “No Delivery” notification isn’t cutting it.

You need to be more creative.

There needs to be a noise. An unbearable noise. One that will only go away once fresh insulin is added to the reservoir.

Screeching cicadas?

Weird Al Yankovich singing “Ice Ice Baby?” But like, not making the words funny…just straight out singing it over and over and over again.

Or I don’t know…I’m just snowballing here…but maybe a hologram can pop up from their pumps of their mother telling stories about potty training them… at age 8?

Something super embarrassing.

ListenListenListen

It HAS to be embarrassing for it to work.

Because if it happens and it’s embarrassing the first time? There will not be a second time. Period. (I mean, I know there was a period there, but I had to write it out for emphasis.) 

Teenagers will avoid embarrassment at any cost.

Super important reiteration: It can’t stop. The noise, the hologram, all of it…it must continue until the new insulin is in the pump. Even if the battery is taken out.

There must be no dismissal.

Listen.

Linda.

Please.

I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night to empty reservoirs.

Sure, I make them change it themselves. I’m not going to make it easier for them to ignore…

But I still have to get out of bed and make them lucid enough to understand the words, “YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR SET RIGHT NOW. NO. INSULIN.”

It’s harder than it sounds. There was one time one of them went downstairs and just fell asleep on the couch.

Also, waking them completely wakes me.

It doesn’t happen all the time so don’t get all huffy, lecturing me on the divine nuances of parenthood.

They are teenagers. THEIR BRAINS ARE AT A DISADVANTAGE.  It’s a scientific fact.

Yes, it's super frustrating when it happens. And even though it isn’t all the time, or all that often…It FEELS like all the time. Ok?

Look it.

We need magic.  Magic help.

You can do it pump people. YOU CAN. 

I totally believe in you.