I can’t hold more.

I’m coping.

I’m living.

I’m even happy.

But I can’t hold more.

I’ve been given a lot to hold, and I hold it gladly. Even though the burdens are heavy and the emotions are awkward, I can hold them all day, every day. All night, every night.

I can and I do.

I hold them for my children.

I hold them for those I love.

I hold them for Diabetes.

I hold them for my family and my friends.

I hold them for my husband.

I hold them for the world.

I hold them for myself.

There is so much to hold.

But I can’t hold more.

I cry easily because of this. I sob, sitting on the closet floor, because one of my children found a new burden to carry. I want to take the burden away…I want so badly to hold it for them, but I can’t. There is no room to hold it. So I work to purge the tears to make more room. I try earnestly to will myself to take it in.

But I’m at capacity.

I let the tears flow in the grocery store parking lot because people I love are struggling to carry what they have. Why does that make me stress? I want to take it from them. I want to make room.

But again, there isn’t room for it.  The tears that leave my body only afford a limited amount of  space for more burden. There just isn’t ENOUGH space. I can’t.

And I feel like a failure.

Why can’t I hold more?

Why do I break so easily when I try to add just a trace amount of weight? Who determines my capacity? Is it I? If I determine it, I will carry more! I WILL!

But.

I’m holding too much as it is.

The numbers alone would break a less assuming soul.

The weight bends my back like a bag lady carrying her entire existance. The emotions fill my body taking every bit of space available. I try to eat my emotions thinking they’ll find a place to store…but it doesn’t work that way. And it’s just making me fat.

I hate that I break so easily with such a minute amount of weight. I want to hold more! But my body and mind scream back at me, “YOU CAN’T HOLD MORE!”

It’s been a frustrating process to say the least:

New burden-à Cryà Try to hold it à Can’t hold it à Complete frustration à Breakdown

It has only now occurred to me that I need to set this load down.

I’m tired. I hurt. I need rest.

Looking inside myself to find room isn’t working anymore. “GOOD HELL, MERI! THERE ISN’T ROOM!!” This load needs to go outward, away from me. I need to let it all go and stop trying to hold the world in my arms.

My arms, they ache.

And it's exhausting walking normally. Keeping my chin up is a workout in itself.

I suppose I’m putting this all out there as a plea from myself and on behalf of my friends who loads are all full up…

The plea: Please, be kind this season. When those around you cry or get upset easily, try to imagine the load that they are carrying. Maybe they can’t hold more either, and they don’t know what to do with that extra something that was just shot at them. Maybe they are struggling just to move…loads are invisible you know. Smiles are the best hiding place. And their loads can be ancient...part of the weight can be from years and years ago.

Some of the older ones can get very heavy during the holidays.

A little understanding for my friends please.

And for me.

Until we can find a way to set our loads free…there is no room. And that can get complicated.

I’m determined to find a way to give up my load in 2017. Worry is an old friend, but one I’m ready to distance myself from.

Acceptance.

Trust.

Patience.

Belief.

These are the only four action items that will help carry what I have, and in turn make me light again…and maybe a little less crazy.

Wish me luck, friends. And I will wish the same for you.

May we all find brightness this holiday season.