When something affects my boys in a negative way...I die a
little. All the heartache they have
felt, all the physical trials they have been through, all the worry that their
little hearts endure, all of that kills me little by little. So much so, I have to wonder if there isn't
an angel assigned specifically to keep my heart pumping day after day.
Maybe that is why I'm so close to God? Each time I die a bit, my spirit draws closer
to Him and the home where my soul will one day find respite from the storm.
Last week I got the results back to the boys lab work. Everything was perfect, except...
Except J's urine test came back positive with protein.
The nurse who called me was as kind as she could be about it
and insisted I not worry.
Why was she so concerned I would worry?
"What does it mean, having protein in the urine?"
I asked.
"It means the kidneys may be shutting down." She responded.
At that moment. I
died a little.
"But it could easily be a false positive. We will retest, and will see what
happens."
Those words didn't mean anything. I am a mother, and as such the worry had made
its way into my soul instantaneously.
All I could do was feel the effects of the death on my heart, and carry
on.
I waited a few days to have him retest. I wanted him hydrated, and well rested
beforehand.
But when I went to the lab to drop off his sample, the lady
said the orders were deleted. Which is
really weird because my nurse is always very thorough. When I called my nurse she was equally
puzzled but called the lab and told them to run the test immediately. That same day I called to get a referral
for M to get his wisdom teeth out. The person on the other end of the line
said, "I'm sorry. His dental
insurance was canceled as of April 1st.
You better call your health care company to find out the problem."
My stomach was uneasy.
Could these two incidences have a common thread? I called.
And was told that our health insurance was canceled too.
Stab Stab Stab to my heart.
Death. It hurts.
We just changed to another health plan. One with my name as the subscriber, rather
than Ryan's. I called twice to confirm
the change. I was super anal about it because my biggest fear other than
complications from diabetes, is my children losing their health insurance.
And there I was, in the same time frame facing the
possibility of kidney failure, and the fact that my boys were not insured.
It was 48 hours of me dying.
Worry has a way of making you feel like a zombie...only half living. I guess when you heart is wasting away, that
can happen. I sat in my car in front of my
house today looking at the front door.
The song on the radio was slow and sad.
I reflected on the events of the past week and felt the death freely
eat. Why does this life have to be so
hard? I heard the phrase this weekend,
"When you're down to nothing, God is up to something." What would he be up to? Or am I forgotten and left to the devices of
a cruel world?
I said a simple prayer.
I asked for relief.
As I walked into the house I marveled at the fact that I
could still function under the heaviness of my worry. One foot went in front of the other. I moved.
I got into the house. That seemed
like a miracle all on its own.
And in the next 60 seconds I listened to a message on my
answering machine saying that J's test results came back perfect and all was
well, and I received a phone call from my advocate at the insurance company
telling me that mountains were moved and our insurance was already reinstated
and active.
I had to sit down. I
let the silent tears wash away all of the death, and felt my body heal from the
damage of the week previous.
And then I picked up my boys from school and their hugs, and
their smiles completed the rebirth. I
was whole again. My heart sang with love
for my boys, and praise to a Heavenly Father who knows when I've reached my limit.
We need to sail through the storms to appreciate the
sun. And let me tell you, I don't take
the sun for granted.
In fact I'll be basking in it for the remainder of this week...continuing on as long as life will allow.
Keep basking. You deserve every ray of sun that you need.
ReplyDeleteWe don't know each other, but I see your blog posts through twitter and I read them whenever I come across them. Each time, I am moved beyond words (and usually to tears) by your courage, your strength, and your hope for a better day. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI read your post late this evening and it encouraged me to write about my son's diabetes.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I appreciate all that you do.
Many prayers as you face these challenges. I listened to "here comes the sun" and said a prayer of thanksgiving. You have been given more challenges than you deserve. I am so glad you have your wonderful boys to brighten your day.
ReplyDeleteMeri, I'm smiling because I've been there....on my knees saying that I need his help..and finding an answer was waiting for me. It renews our faith and let's us know that things will work out, just as he promised.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest fear is that I would lose my insurance. It keeps me up at night. The "what-if" scares the crap out of me. You must have that ten fold! I pray for you and your boys every day and know that God is right there with you every step of the way!
oh, my...that is a lot to deal with all at once. And you're right the sun is a wonderful place to bask. Enjoy and let's hope for no more insurance mishaps or false positives!
ReplyDeleteYou are simply amazing! I don't have a child with Type I but I do have a child and I, myself, have Type I. It is my greatest worry in life that my child would have to deal with this terrible disease. I find so much comfort in your words. Thanks Meri!
ReplyDelete