Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The lie.

I see it all the time on Facebook.

I live with the mantra all day long in my own reality.

Oh yeah, I say it to myself.

And yeah, I know you say it to yourself, too.

As parents, as humans, we are brilliant at a lot of things, but one thing we are most brilliant at is finding fault with ourselves.

It all hinges on one giant lie.  And it is such a good lie that we often believe it.  We let it eat at us, and some days we even let it define us.

What are the words that have so much power?

"I'm not good enough."

"I fall short."

"Epic fail."

Do we all have areas to work on?  Absolutely.  No one is perfect.  Me?  <----- far from perfect.

But I think we let that little notion work itself into our swelly brains all too often.   For myself, the thought has crawled in, made its nest and settled down to hibernate for the winter.

How do I wake the beast and scurry it out of my head?  I can only imagine I need to start by saying to the universe, "I AM enough."

Just because I'm not perfect, doesn't mean I don't try my best.

Just because I fail sometimes, doesn't mean it doesn't kill me every time I let my child down.

Unfortunately for me...and most of you who read this blog...Diabetes only exasperates the problem. There are so many opportunities to fail with this disease.  Let me see...three boys with Type 1 Diabetes X 8 blood sugar tests a day...that equals 24 opportunities for failure a day.

And we all know that is the tip of the iceberg. 

Lately, especially, I'm having a hard time seeing my value.  Ryan was always my cheerleader.  When I was down, he was the one that lifted me up.  He wore a magical pair of glasses that saw me in a near perfect state.  My extra pounds?  He didn't see them.  My little rants?  He thought they were hilarious.  Do I really need validation to function every day?  No...I'm functioning.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for accolades...I'm just coming to the realization that I need to find a way to love myself.  Ryan did the loving for me.  His love was what got me through.  Now I need to start doing the believing on my own behalf, and that is turning out to be a bit more complicated than I thought.

It's true.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm enough for the boys.

But as I look around at a world of imperfect people, I realize I love so many people despite their imperfections.  No one is perfect, and everyone that tries their best is enough for their family, and enough for me.  I can be enough for mine...


I AM enough for mine.

Believing there is more to me than what I see in the mirror is a start.  Believing I'm only scratching the surface of my potential is the next step.

I need to close my drawers full of doubts.  I need to tidy up my brain cluttered with self deprecating mantras.  I need to clean house.

I turned in my first job application/resume packet yesterday.  As I laid my packet on the pile, I was surprised at my immediate sense of defeat.  Jumping back into the work force, putting myself out going to be a rough road.  It is not going to help anything if I don't have self confidence.  Do I think I can do the job?  Absolutely!  It is the selling myself that makes me itch all over.

The core of my confidence volcano has been dormant.  It is time to light the fire...find my confidence, and own it.  Maybe it won't be a super nova right off the bat, but my points of light can put on quite a show.  I need to allow the world see.

Accepting who I am.  (Working on myself...but accepting that I am unique and have something to offer...) THAT is my next adventure.

Today I take that first step.

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it...people like me!" ~ Stuart Smalley


  1. Meri... you are more than enough... you are exactly who God needs you to be and wants you to be! You are a kind, wonderful, caring woman who has 4 amazing kiddos that love you more than words can ever express!

  2. YES!!!!! Can I get an A M E N from my brothers and sisters in the congregation?

    You are going places, Meri. YOU ARE GOING TO SOAR! Despite tragedy, great things are coming your way. Confidence, head held high, you got this.

    And I will be cheering for you the whole way!

  3. You ARE good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, LOTS of people love you! You have so much on your plate, but I know you can do it. I'm praying for you.

    Applying for a job is a giant step- and add me to your cheerleaders as you are job hunting!

    I've done a lot of interviewing in the past few years, and let me tell you, many people show up acting like they dont' really want the job at all-- wearing flip flops & cut-offs (in a healthcare setting), bringing young children with them (had to reschedule), and answering questions with sarcasm and attitude. Ugh. You just need to go in there ready to talk about your skills and prepared to answer relevant questions, and I KNOW you will stand out

    And I always loved Stuart Smalley... :)

  4. Gimme an M
    Gimme an E
    Gimme an R
    Gimme an I
    What's that spell?

    We are all cheering for you as well as each other!
    GREAT post :-D

  5. My new Mantra is: I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome. Thank you, Someecards, for always providing the right words in every situation. Focus on the awesome!! XOXO

  6. Even though I'd look terrible in a cheer outfit, I lack any coordination to do a cheer, and let's face it... Who wants to hear my voice squawking at them... I would still stand outside your window every day and do my very own Meri cheer if I could. Because you are super-terrific-awesome, more-than-enough and one of my very-most-favourite-ist people ever.

    Gooooooooooo MERI! (You can't see me, but I am totally shaking my imaginary pom-poms as well as my booty right now).

  7. Don't forget... Stuart Smalley is now a U.S. Senator. Just saying....

    Thanks for the reality check and the inspiration.

  8. You are so rad! I know that you will be a HUGE HIT in whatever you do next. You are a fabulosity magnet.

  9. You just have to believe what everyone else already are amazing!!!!

  10. Looking for a job can sure be hard on your confidence... I was super hard on myself after every application was submitted. Thing was... I didn't need to be good enough for those jobs because the "right job" for me was coming. The rest were just practice resumes/interviews.

    Whomever opens their door and gives you an opportunity will one day say to themselves... DAMN I PICK EM GOOD". Chin up my friend... You've got this. All of it!

  11. Lots of people like you! Matter of fact,they love you! You have thousands of cheerleaders all over the globe!

  12. I think it's natural for every child to want to achieve at least as much success as their parents have. By being a little bit short of perfect, you not only give them that chance to shine, but you give them the confidence that they, too, are allowed to make mistakes. You're doing just fine Meri, don't change a thing.

  13. Oh, Meri...once again you are speaking the exact words I need to hear. Thank you for always being true to what you are going through and letting the rest of us shake our heads in agreement. Love you!!

  14. Psalm 139:14
    "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."

    Meri, you are beautiful inside and out. Satan preys on God's children when they are struggling. God loves you! Let Him and His Word be your best defense.

  15. what is always amazing to me is how quickly we accept others faults, yet are so difficult on ourselves. Take care of yourself Meri, you are incredible.


    i <3 stuart smiley and i <3 you. i recently filled out an application and went on my first interview since 1997, so i know that feeling of lacking confidence. well I GOT THE JOB and even if you don't get this one, you'll get the one that is right for you.


  17. We all will be mini cheerleaders living in your head if you'll let us, to kill those other ugly voices of doom who tell you that you don't measure up. I can relate to that very much, and so I know that it doesn't matter how many of us tell you as many sunny and warm things about you. You know it has to come from inside you, and your own voice has to be the one to say it. How about if you look at it this way: Ryan, being the awesome, amazing man that he was and now is in angel form up in Heaven, chose you. So what's that say about you, hmmmm???? Maybe you can channel his energy right into you on those gloomy days of doubt, and remember the way he would lift you up. Cause he's still doing it, sweet Meri, and we all will try, too.

  18. With your energy and focus, you'll find a job that fits - no doubt about it!
    Fingers crossed, thumbs pressed, and best wishes for the search. You're incredible.

  19. You are more than enough. Show those employers the woman you are, the woman you are on this blog... just be yourself. They'd have to be a fool not to hire you. Have you considered working for one of the pump companies, like Minimed? Three boys with D..... just sayin...... I know you will find the right job for you. Don't know how many cheerleaders you have in your private life (probably more than you know). You have a lot of cyber cheerleaders.

  20. Oh yeah BABY!!! You are good enough. You are smart enough. AND ... People DON'T LIKE YOU....They LOVE YOU Meri Shuhmacher!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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