Even though my muscles seem stronger, and this year's hike will seem easier than last years, it still is laborious...and not even a little bit fun to think about.
To start off...I miss my boys. I know that is lame. But they are the reason I smile.
Secondly, when you've taken the same hike over and over and over again...the beauty is lost on you.
The same scenery is lackluster at best.
Oh lookie there...it is the "beginning of the school year lows"...yay.
And over that hill is the classic "forgot to call you with my blood sugar."
Three miles up is where they are "too excited to eat their lunch, so they just eat the cookie Tommy gave them."
"TOMMY!!" (Said in the same voice Seinfeld said 'NEWMAN!!')
Scurrying over there is the elusive "forgetting to bolus for breakfast."
Been there. Done that.
And then the worst part of the hike..."the lake of low self esteem, and worry of what others think of my pancreating."
I've been pushed into that water more times than I want to count.
Boring.
I feel like it is groundhog day and I will live the same scenarios over and over and over again.
Man, just call me Debbie Downer. :(
The back to school blues get to me every year. The start of the hike is always the worst. I know the mistakes that lay in the horizon. I know the guilt that is to come.
I am a seasoned hiker now...but no matter how great I navigate the course...no matter how nimble I am in scaling the obstacles...I just wish the course was flat.
I wish the terrain wasn't as rocky.
I wish it was easy.
But somewhere deep down in the recesses of my soul...somewhere I can't place...somewhere...I know that this course makes me a better person. I know that this course is going to mold my boys into the park rangers of their diabetes landscapes. This course will teach me patience. It will teach me to be humble and compassionate.
As much as I don't want to hike up the mountain of back to school...I will. Because as much as I hate to admit it...it will make me and my sons stronger.
The fiber of my boys character will be strengthened by these trials, I honestly believe this to be true.
My backpack is heavy with survival skills. My soul is heavy with determination.
So here I go.
And as I set off, I leave you all with this Irish Blessing...a blessing I hope you keep in your hearts as you begin your own trek up the mountain...
“May your joys be as bright as the morning, and your sorrows merely be shadows that fade in the sunlight of love. May you have enough happiness to keep you sweet, enough trials to keep you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to keep you happy."
It's so much better when you have a friend beside you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your heart.
Love you.
Good luck, Meri. Hope your trip to those special Alps goes well this time.
ReplyDeleteWe are always all better for scaling the mountains in our lives. This is hard stuff, but you will look back on it and say to yourself ' I did it!' with such pride. I am proud of you, eve day, Meri.
ReplyDeleteAnd am I the only one, who after reading the title, said 'apples' to myself and not Alps? :0)
Penny, that would be because I spelled Alps, Apls in the title. One of the side effects of the change of altitude is swelly-brain-blog-title-dyslexia. I'm sorry you had to witness that!
ReplyDeleteStop worrying even thinking about "of what others think of my pancreating."
ReplyDeleteWe - ummm, your friends - continue to be awed by your pancreating and parenting and writing and joy in life.
So there!
Thank you for your wonderful blogs that leave my head bobbing up and down in agreement, as I read the same things I feel. Although, along with those emotions I feel insanely jealous of other parents as they coast along their flat and easy path!
ReplyDeleteMeri I so needed to read this tonight. I've been so depressed about Ethan going to school in mere weeks, I honestly don't know what it'll be like with him gone for so many hours. And soccer camp was so difficult for me with everybody asking a million questions about Isaac's d, I wanted to scream, but held it together. I think it's hitting me now though.
ReplyDeleteSo...thank you for this post, I really truly needed it!
Ah...Meri...Thank You. I needed this. Joe's "cRaZiNeSs" starts in a week and I will feel less alone. I always slip into a bit of a funk around the beginning of school...sending "D" to school is a BIG DEAL.
ReplyDeleteAw Meri, no need...I was struck by the back to 'school apls' - it reminded me of apples. And sorry for your swelly brain. Just know that you gave me a good laugh and I scored one for you, cause you are tricky with your words like that Miss Meri. You rock, any way it goes.
ReplyDeleteMy word identification is 'huckbra' - are you kidding me???
You inspire me. You teach me. My heart aches at your heaviness. I have thought of you several times in the last week with getting my boys ready. Your strength. Your resolve. But you are human. I'm so thankful for you. Thankful that you are strong enough to share. Thankful that it helps me not feel alone. Thankful that it reminds me not to put unrealistic expectations on myself. But I am most thankful for the reminder of how it all, IT ALL, has purpose and somehow makes us stronger, who we are. Hang in there, Meri, you will "bounce." Don't be hard on yourself. And know, as green as I may be, I am always here and so is an army of others who so love, appreciate and want to be there for you as you have been so many times for us.
ReplyDeleteYou hang in there Mom!!!!
ReplyDeleteour trek begins in a couple weeks now and I'm not looking forward to it. Thank you for posting this Meri...:o)
ReplyDeleteMeri, knowing how much of a rockstar you are!! and that you too get the back to school blues, makes me feel so much less alone! Love you!
ReplyDelete