Sometimes our meter says HI and there is nothing we could have done to prevent it.
Because, as I tell my boys multiple times a week, "we don't have a crystal ball."
Circumstances are what they are.
Tirade: Do your kids come to you on the couch after eating a snack and ask, "How many carbs?" When you weren't even involved with making said plate full of carbs? Mine do. All the time. Hence the "I don't have a crystal ball" comment. "You have to actually TELL me what you ate."
(Would be nice, wouldn't it?)Tirade two: Yes, sometimes my boys bolus after they eat. Don't have a heart attack. It is ok.
OK...back to the post!
As I was saying...sometimes numbers all hit the fan and we have to put on our big girl panties and just get the job done.
Sure...we go back in your heads and wonder what we could have done to prevent said poop. But here is the epiphany that I had yesterday...we can't go back in time.
We CAN'T.
Why do we try time travel in our brain? They are brains, not Deloreans.
Ok...If it is something that was within our control, I agree that thinking it over and planning a change in attack next time is a good thing. But sometimes...even A LOT of times...there is nothing we could have done. We can only go on our experience. So if doing that combo bolus worked for pizza last time, and then doesn't work this time...IT ISN'T "YOUR FAULT."
What is it about us that we want to blame ourselves for everything?
Seriously, it was overcast yesterday and I looked at my summer shirt and thought if I had worn a sweater, maybe it would have been sunny...I. HAVE. A. PROBLEM.
Basals run amuck? MY fault. Even though they aren't.
Child forgot to check his sugar before he ate? My fault. Even though my brain can only think for so many people at one time...
Are you following me?
I'm not sure I'm following me.
Where is this all coming from? Yesterday L was HI. (Why my meter says HI and not HIGH is beyond me.)
Was his set bad? Yesseree! We changed it out, and he went down.
Well, he DOVE down.
Stunk for him. Stunk for me. Stunk all around.
And today I felt an overwhelming sense of urgency to just, get it right. A NEED to keep his numbers in perfect range. See: Guilt. See: Not as easy as it seems.
And then I stopped and epiphanied my epiphany that I can't go back and change what happened. I can only look forward. I can only work forward.
So poop happens. And so does the circumstance. But we need to remember...we are human. We are not magic. We cannot control our kids sugars with our minds. We cannot WILL a set not to fail.
We need to learn from our mistakes, and forget the things that we had no control over. Deciding which is which can be tricky. But...I think if we search our hearts...we know.
We always know.
It IS our fault.
LOL! Just kidding. SOMETIMES it is our fault. But SOMETIMES it is not our fault.
It can all be just poop and circumstance for sure.
We all learn from our mistakes. But, gee, it's hard to figure it out when it makes absolutely no sense.
ReplyDeleteAnd most of the time, it's easier to shrug and just keep trying as we keep living.
Poop and circumstance. Ending this epiphianic (not a word, I know) post with that phrase was excellent. I just about spit out my coffee, laughing. Shall be my new mantra - if I can't figure out the circumstance of this BG situation - it must just be D being its poopy self. And move on.
ReplyDeleteWait, so wiggling my nose like the chick from Bewitched doesn't actually work?!?! Damn, and I thought I was getting the hang of it.
ReplyDeleteI have been good pretty good and the shoulder shrug and move forward stuff lately. Not that I don't have that minute of defeat when I first see it at times, but over all... it is what it is and we fix it.
Until next week when I'm back to being nuts ;)
What kind of English was THAT??
ReplyDelete**"I have been getting pretty good at the shoulder shrug and move forward stuff"... yikes!
I freaking love this post, and how much it made me chuckle. That fortune teller picture is EPIC.
ReplyDeleteWell said, Meri. So glad you had this epiphany. You D parents Amaze me, every day. Don't be so hard on yourself... you are doing Everything you can, especially when you think you are not.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
You are awesome, Meri! Brains are not Deloreans...LOVE IT! And lots of love to you and your boys too. Poop does happen. But your boys know they're loved beyond words and that makes everything okay!
ReplyDeleteI love the crystal ball....I use forensic skills to administer insulin too...the crime scene....granola bar wrappers and a juice box.....the clues say "did he have a low" or "was he just starving when he got in and gobbled and forgot to dose".... all those CSI skills comeinto play with motherhood and diabetes.
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right, Meri. All we can do is move forward with the experiences that lie behind us. When it's "our fault", it's also not because we're just doing the best we can and that's as noble as it gets, even though it's complicated in the field of human emotions. "poop and circumstance for sure" right on, lady!
ReplyDeleteWhat a perfect post after our conversation about basals.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder. Maybe I should print this and post it on my fridge!
Meri,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know how much it means to me to be able to come and read your posts and know that truly, someone else really does understand. And on the crappiest of crappy diabetes days I can come here when no one else gets it, and there you are, waiting with an incredible blog post! Your gift of putting into words all the BS and heartache this disease presents is truly magical. You are my hero but I wish you were my neighbor too! : ) Kim, mom to 2 T1's 13 & 7 yrs old
Hilarious! I think since we desire to be in control of everything in our lives, it's so much easier to therefore blame ourselves for the things that don't go quite right. But I agree 100% with everything you said!
ReplyDeleteYou epiphanied your epiphany? This is why I call you the queen of the DOC ;). That is talent!
ReplyDeleteI also love how you bring every thought back around to a positive reality. A great message and challenge for us all.
<3 you Mmmmmmeeeeeerrrrriiiii
I just love reading your posts!
ReplyDeleteHere's to moving forward and not looking back!
You make me laugh!
ReplyDeleteI seriously laughed at the crystal ball bolusing for something you've never seen. That happens to me. But it's my MOM who calls me and asks me how many carbs are in something. At work. I tend to answer that I don't know, look it up. Then she will say "well, the book says it's XX carbs but I think it looks bigger/smaller than that." And I want to scream how am I supposed to answer when I can't see it?!? Oh yes, I know! :)
HAHA too funny!! I also sometimes bolus after I eat and I still can get good numbers as well :)
ReplyDeleteIf you only knew WHAT WAS MY FAULT (and Joes) on Monday (Hockey Camp Day 1). We treated the low and moved on without looking back. You woulda been proud. I didn't even beat myself up too bad. xo
ReplyDeleteLOVE this!! I was right there with ya today on feeling the overwhelming NEED to get it RIGHT! Numbers have been driving me bonkers lately and I put on my boxing gloves today and kicked some diabetes booty...lol. Awesome post!
ReplyDeleteoh meri, i totes LOL'ed at "it IS our fault." :)
ReplyDeletepoop and circumstance...ahhh you crack me up. This focusing on the positive of a solution rather than dwelling on the past is key for me.
ReplyDeleteHope today was fabulous and you guys are enjoying your summer break to the fullest!
You are amazing! And you crack me up. You are an inspiration to me. I seem to have this its "my fault' attitude all of the time where Colton is concerned.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder that poop does happen and we can't go back in time! :)
Poop happens!
ReplyDeleteMeasures and more care all the time makes life constricted...but to be healthy there is no much option.Thanks for sharing it helps you as much it helps us.
ReplyDelete