People are posting some pretty nasty things about the big D out there...and I have to say, I don't blame them one single bit.
It's not like I have anything NICE to say about it or anything. It's just right now, I have no feelings about it at all.
I'm numb.
Even 90's haven't brought up the joy they used to. 400's? Whatever. I've seen them before. Let's get busy and fix it.
Right now there is no victory and no defeat. It is all just there...threaded through everything we do. Embedded in every memory.
I'm struggling to know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Will my lack of emotion in it all affect their A1C's? They boys have appointments in a couple weeks...you would think that would put the fear of god into my heart. But nope. I've got no feeling on the subject right now.
Does this mean that life has stepped ahead of diabetes and I'm finding my joy and grief in regular life stuff? Or does this mean Diabetes is bugging me so much I have built an unhealthy wall to mask the real feelings I have about all of this.
I fear that I will find out within the next week or two. With New Years coming I'll be forced to evaluate my pancreatic duties. I'll set myself subject to irrational goals and deep internal appraisal.
Whatever comes, right now I'm going to enjoy the nothingness that I feel and go find my joy in the eyes of my happy and content boys who are right this minute all huddled together playing a new video game.
It isn't always about diabetes, right? I guess I'm just questioning how I got it into the back seat...and the repercussions of it all. Maybe, just maybe...it is back there for the right reasons, and I have nothing to fear.
Because when it comes to the big D, I'd rather not know the REAL feelings I have lingering deep down in the recesses of my soul. They wouldn't be pretty. I know that for sure. In fact just thinking about it stirs up something, so I'll end now hoping to stuff it all back down.
I'm in the driver's seat now. Diabetes is stuck in the back. I just wish it would stop kicking the back of my seat. I really want to concentrate on the road ahead of me. The world is a beautiful landscape...if I keep diabetes behind me, it can't muck up the scenery.
The sunsets have never been so beautiful as they have the past couple weeks. Is that a coincidence? I just don't know.
I'm right there with you, Meri. I have wondered the same things. Had the same questions. Part of it I think is that I have a new focus with our gluten free journey - new things to learn... But I also think that I just NEED diabetes to be less obtrusive right now. Maybe it will stay that way? Who knows.
ReplyDeleteI seem to somewhat be in the same boat these last few days Meri. Maybe it's acceptance? In a way I like it and in another way, I don't. And honestly, like you, I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. The numbers, the highs, the lows will always be there. They won't change, so maybe it's good thing that we change...
ReplyDeleteI wonder if my 'not feeling' is really 'pushing the reality as far down as I can.'
ReplyDeleteThank you for making me think...haven't been for a while.
I wonder that too... I definitely tend more toward the Pollyanna/optimist never look at the ugly reality. Thats what I love about your blog and the others that I read. You help me get focused, you help me take the reins back a little, and try. It is good for me to see you guys put the big D in the back seat too... that I'm not completely negligent by doing so! :)
ReplyDeleteHmm. When they start kicking me, I scoot their seat WAY back, and I go as far forward as I can. ; ) Ha-take that little feet!
ReplyDeleteJust kidding. I don't know-I think I try to keep it in the back seat all the time. I just can't let it rule my life, we have more fun things to do. I do the best I can, when I can.
No stress, Meri. You do an amazing job, and we all need a mental vacation now and then. : ) Thinking of you!!
I never thought I would get to this "nothingness" stage you speak of....but ive been stuck here for several months now....it's a great thing, yet it did bring about our highest A1c's ever. (high 7's, not too bad!)
ReplyDeleteFrom an emotional and stress perspective though, we have never been so "free" of the constant need to be always poking and chasing numbers. It just is what it is lately, so the sun surely seems brighter and more beautiful just because I've been able to let go........
Great post Meri, as always! I hope 2012 blesses you and yours with health, happiness and the warmth of the brighter, warmer sun! (hugs)
Great post Meri. Isn't it something how this thing we deal with on such an intense level can make us numb? I think you described it perfectly. Numb.
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