My armor is dented.
My weapons dull from constant wear.
My will is nothing to be depended on.
One minute I'm running into the fray, our battle cry screaming from my tonsils.
The next minute I'm curled up in a ball hoping no one notices me.
I'm going through the motions...dripping with emotional defeat, but not giving up to the numbers.
I beat every one of them. One number at a time. But I can't help but wish that the numbers would be whisked away...flushed...cured.
For now and for always they continue to swirl around my brain. The parade of numbers marching ever forward.
They are constant. No break. Ever.
Emotional roller coaster much?
But as I do the night check and see those sleeping faces...consumed in peace. It is fuel for my soul.
Those faces keep me sane. They make the battlefield seem like only a bad dream.
It is their laughter that frees my guilt.
I will keep moving forward. I will keep blogging my way through the emotions of it all.
I'll zig and zag my way through the number minefield and I'll find safety in our ratios.
I can do this. With my boys by my side...I CAN and will do this.
Self affirming pep talks help. Writing it out makes sense of it all.
This my friends is what you get after the 10:00pm check with three boys who are low.
Sometimes I just need to talk my way out of the tears.
This will wrap up day 4658 or our diabetic life...and day 26 of National Health Blog Posting Month.
awww man Meri, I hope they all came up and stay even for the next check :) Take care!
ReplyDeleteYou can do thIs Meri. It is not forever. You are bearing three times the load in order to teach those magical boys how to do it. Once they grow a bit more they will take on just their fair share of it.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine all that you do. But I can't imagine if you didn't, right? You parents are total rockstars in many of our books, and you've earned every little bit of it.
You can do this.
Sending you love dear Meri, to get through it. Day by day hon. You are amazing and this care will not be forever, you a teaching your boys to be independent and doing such a fabulous job. Love to you.
ReplyDeleteI miss being able to blog my way through things. If I could talk a blog post while I drive to and from work... I would be golden. I have so much in me to blog about that I dont even know where I would start. Its bottled up and thats not a good thing.
ReplyDeleteGreat post Meri! I hope you got some sleep last night.
So thankful that there is someone else out there who feels exactly like me. My heart breaks with yours. When fingers pull back instinctively during a 3am check. When you think you can't put another hole in their already unrecognizable fingertips. When you're weary from fighting this horrendous battle.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you and your family today, Meri. May you feel encouragement and strength from our faithful and capable heavenly Father.
oh, to live a life without those numbers...
ReplyDeleteyet we will trudge on, some days the load is light and some days it threatens to flatten us
but we tackle each and every number, knowing there are others fighting this fight, too.
Thanks for sharing.You always inspire. keeping you and your family in my prayers...
ReplyDeleteHang in there! The artificial pancreas is right around the corner (fingers crossed).
ReplyDelete