Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Teenager Black Magic

My children, who were once made of perfect innocence, have turned into wizards.

With a roll of their eyes I am banished into no man’s land.

My words are gobbled up by their minds and spit out into indiscernible sentences.  They can make anything I say mean whatever they want by taking poetic license with all that enters their ears.

The dark magic is carelessly used without regard for consequence.  Consequence that are convoluted, and not even a little bit obvious to them.

My self-esteem being one of those consequences. And what teen cares of their parent’s merits?

My trips around the sun are not their trips around the sun; therefore, I am clueless to their suffering. Anything they endure I will not understand without pretending to understand.  My wrinkles put me outside the realm of empathy. My quest to find peace in life bristles their wings.

Teenagers minds are the opposite of peace. They are chaos.

Though not by choice.

One cannot always see at first glance, but the chaos lives behind their eyes, where they try to make sense of a world that is teaching them one thing and showing them another.

Do the right thing…. but, right is wrong.
Be kind…. but, kindness is self-serving.
Find your happy place…. but, happiness is fake.
Trust in God…. but, God is for the befuddled.
You are loved…. but, love must be earned.

The last is most troubling. My children don't always see themselves worthy of love.

But my love for them exists beyond worthy measurements.

Love is not conditional when one is a parent. Love is there hell or high water. Love is brighter during the hard times. Love swirls within us no matter what the circumstance.

If only they could know.

Or maybe they already know but apathy and despair each have a hand over their eyes.

It’s hard to see all the good when one exists in darkness. Light doesn’t stand a chance when walls are in the way.

Wall after wall is erected. I stand on the other side…sometimes knocking, sometimes chipping away the drywall with my fists, sometimes using the wall to slide down to the ground…to pray. Or to wallow in my self pity.

And when they feel alone I call to them:

“Take down the wall! I’m right here! You are never alone!”

They are disappointed in themselves and assume I must be too.

Yet, I am opposite of disappointed. I am proud when I see them peek above the walls…even for a second. My heart bursts with excitement and love…

And then…

They disappear as fast as they appear.

Children that were once full of light and laughter are now looking for meaning, yet they don’t have the wherewithal to actually look.

I have found that meaning. I would serve it to them on a golden platter if I could.

I would pour it down their throats if it would help.

But meaning isn’t something that can be given.

It is something that must be found.

Love and meaning can heal. But only if one wants healing.

Sometimes my teenagers suffer and my love doesn't seem to fix it.

But maybe, it’s helping. Deep down, somewhere, somehow, maybe my love is helping. And for as long as there is a maybe chance…I will actively love. And do what I can to encourage them to continue putting one foot in front of the other.

One step.

Another step.

And another.

Until one day…maybe they will look up from their feet, and see the unconditional love and blessings that surround them and they'll become the light they didn't know they needed.

Until one day…the dark days, the teenager days, are gone.


  1. I never comprehended the love my parents had for me until I became a father myself....your time will come! Love ya!

  2. A beautiful and true sentiment Meri! Many of us are right there with you. My oldest struggles. And that is a nice way of putting it. He struggles with self esteem, depression, anxiety, ADHA, drug use, etc. He is so loving and kind. He is so very funny. He has so many amazing qualities but manages to somehow miss what I see. When we dropped him off at college this Fall I left him with a poem I wrote:

    If you only knew.....

    If you had my memories.
    The ones when you were new.
    If you only knew.

    If you could see my baby,
    With the big brown eyes and curly hair.
    If you only knew.

    If you could see my little boy,
    who danced and had such imagination.
    If you only knew.

    If you could see the young man he would become,
    full of spirit, love and laughter.
    If you only knew.

    If you could see my tall, handsome teenager, so loved, encouraged and supported. You would see he was struggling. You would see him falter. You would see the shine in his eyes diminish.

    If you only knew the opportunities before you. If you only knew how capable and smart you are. If you only knew how much you have to offer this world.....and the happiness that awaits you with better choices.....

    If you only knew the pain in my heart. I want to help you. I want you to know the baby, little boy and young man I once knew. He is still there, somewhere. I still see him in a facial expression. A laugh.

    If you only knew. I sometimes watch you sleep. When I do, I still see my boy. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it alright again. But I can't. Only you can my love. Dig deep. You are still in there.

    You will always be my sun, moon and stars......if you only knew.

  3. I love reading your blog - I look for a post nearly every day!!!! Your writing is so heartfelt and amazing. I have been reading your blog now for years and know your past struggles and my heart goes out to you. I know what you mean about the dark teenage years...I have been through it with 2 boys and am getting ready for my 12 year old to enter into it ��. But, there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks again for sharing your heartfelt thoughts with all of us. Sending you love ❤️

  4. I wish I could say that at 40 they are better. Well I am only up 38 and so maybe.


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