Letting it in.

I wonder sometimes if you see me.  When I talk to you I always feel like you are there.  I wonder, every time, if you are.

I wonder what your world is like?  Here I’m stuck alone with years, months, minutes, seconds…does time tick for you?  Or is it all irrelevant for you now?

Now that you see the bigger picture, are my tears silly to you?  Is this ache so temporary you aren’t sure what the fuss is about?

Or do you remember what it was like here, not knowing?  Do you remember the veil upon our eyes shielding us from the truth so we can exercise faith?  Do you remember how hard that was?

Do you miss me like I miss you?  Or are you here with me all the time watching me miss you?

I hear you, you know.  I hear the thoughts that bounce into my head.  I hear your words clear and precise, “I’m proud of you.”  “I love you.”  “I’m always here.”

How can I have experiences that burst my heart, telling me with all surety that you are near…that you are protecting…watching…and then just days later question myself, and then wish, and pray that I will know again?

Sometimes my faith seems as though it’s a giant, and other days my faith seems like an insignificant part of me.

I realize that’s on me.

Does it all seem as pathetic to you as it does to me?

Every dream I have of you comforts me.  Do you make that happen?  Can you manipulate my dreams in a small way?

I hope you can.  I can’t bear to think that all those dreams were of my own fanciful longing rather than your reaching out.

I miss you.

Today I let it all in.  Today I let the sadness and the happy memories wash over me like hot sunlight.

Today on our anniversary I’ll allow all the worry, the love, the happiness, the anger, the confusion, the questioning, the wallowing, the celebrating, the everything…all of it…to take over.

Tomorrow I’ll do my best to build the wall back up.  I’ll protect my fragile emotions and focus solely on the boys and building a happy life for all of us.

Until we are reunited.

Until it all becomes worth it again.

Until we are side by side as we are intended to be.

Until then, I’ll keep trying.

And I promise, I won’t give up trying.

Because I know you wouldn’t want me to. 

I will keep trying to move forward.

I will.

I love you.