Tuesday, February 5, 2013

That hope thing again...

I was talking to my friend today and I asked, "Why am I always so damn hopeful?"  (I apologize for the swearing...it's a phase I'm going through so please bear with me.)

Every time something crappy happens, (which this week, the crap overfloweth,) I inevitably think..."It will be ok, Meri!  Everything will turn out as it should."

And the devil sitting on my shoulder, who looks unabashedly like Robert Dinero, says, "That hope thing is going to bite you in the butt, Meri.  It might not be ok."

Am I setting myself up for disappointment? 


Am I setting myself up to win?

There is something to be said for putting your intentions out to the universe.  The glass half full people are happier people, right?  Also, if the saying "you get what you give" has any merit, than my answer is right there.

I think my optimism also lies in trusting my path.  Trusting in a loving Heavenly Father who has already testified that all will be well. 

Ryan said it would be okay too, so that's something...

But that Mr. Dinero...with that tiny little nay saying son of a cockroach voice, loves to pop my hope bubble every chance he can get.  He makes me feel like hope is a ball and chain that I drag around every day.  "You're still holding onto that thing?  Geez, let it go gurl!"  He seems to think that my hope holds me back from seeing the world as it really is.  He seems to think my rose colored glasses make me look like a child.  He seems to think I'm setting myself up to fail.

My hope filter is taking a lot more faith to keep up these days.  I'm aware that things often DON'T work out.  I'm aware that bad news comes whether we are ready for it or not.  When people tell me, "Meri, I'm sure everything will be ok," I'm aware that they really don't know that.

Because when it comes to my life?  No.  Not everything turns out ok.

But here's the thing...

Haters gonna hate.

Hopers gonna hope.

I am a hoper.


My problem really lies in the first step. Which way to go with my life?  (I am painfully aware you're probably sick of me talking about this, but it is something I NEED to write out because it is a HUGE obstical I'm grappling with right now.  Trust me, I'm seriously tired of hearing about it too.) I think any way I choose will be ok...but which way is the bestest way?

Which way will lead me to that future Ryan was so sure was going to be ok?  I don't want to mess up.  I don't want to take the wrong path.

I liken it to being in the middle of the desert, a compass surrounds me.  North?  South?  East?  West?  NorthEast?  SouthWest?

Crap.  There are so many paths I can take to get to water.  Every path WILL get me to water...but which one will get me there in tact?  Which is the safest bet for my sanity and livelihood?

Maybe there is no "safer" path. 

Maybe because every path has its perils is the reason I stand here "still" in my life.

My gut says stay where I'm at.  But is my gut really speaking out of fear?  I know I'll eventually need more than what these four walls have to offer, and really, my future isn't going to just fall onto my lap.  Or could it?  I can't totally rule that out, right?  Ha.  I think that is more wishful thinking than hopeful thinking...

Hopefulness requires some action, I am sure.

I can't just sit here waiting for my future to happen.  I need to MAKE a future.

Soul searching sounds so serene. 

I'm not feelin' the serene part.

But no matter how loud that little devil yells in my ear, I can't shake the feeling that it will all work out.  Even if crappy gets crappier, it will all work out.

Hopers gonna hope.  <<<<  That's going on a tshirt.

Meri's gonna hope.  Deal with it, Dinero.


  1. Meri, any path you pick will be the right one because you've got a lot of friends working the water/snack stations and waving "you can do this" signs along the way ;-)

  2. Any path you choose will be the right path! You've got this.

  3. From your cheerleader in Oklahoma: You got this and I thank you for your example,for sharing your life,knowing so many can't come close to relating, and doing it anyway. You are a shining example of love, faith and perseverance. Love you!

  4. Maybe you can look at it another way.... thinking that "this is the path you are on and it is leading you to where you need to go" sounds like you are already doing what you need to do...so you will get "there". It will work out. It will work out the way it was supposed to work out. As long as you keep hoping, you will keep going. It's what you do.You're already on the right path!

  5. I will buy that T-shirt for realz.

  6. i'm a hoper too. and i don't have words for how much i love this post. so beautiful, poignant, and perfect. love you!

    "Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul, And sings the tune--without the words, And never stops at all." - Emily Dickinson

  7. I'm totally in on that t-shirt, too!

    This post makes me think of the labyrinth, which looks like a maze, but is really just one path, and while the path twists and turns in all different directions, it is impossible to be anywhere but where God intends for us to be. You cannot be lost. Confused? Sure. But lost, no way.

    The Lord's plan for us is so much better than we can ever imagine, and while the next few steps are often scary, it's our job to hold Jesus' hand and trust. I personally find a lot of peace in that. :-)

  8. Oh yeah, and my dad says you should write a book. :-)

  9. I also agree with some of the comments above. You are already on your right path. And any fork in the road continues to be your path regardless of which way you go. Look at your choices and take the time needed to measure, as best you can, how each could work out for you and your family. Go with your gut and never look back. Make the choice be the best it can be, no regrets. It's a scary step to take but a necessary one to continue on your journey.
    Much love and peace to you and your boys.

  10. Meri - I was introduced to your blog by my friend Kim, who I believe you know through the diabetes community as her daughter Maddie has T1. My husband, Elias, died from brain cancer 'almost' four years ago. A lifetime, and an instant ago.

    I thought I'd write, as, I'm not sure if you are aware, but there is an amazing community of supportive widows on-line too - and they also 'prescribe' to the message of hope. In fact, the SSLF's motto if you will is 'Hope Matters' (SSLF is Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation). They have a few great programs, a few I've found incredibly helpful, and even a conference for widowed people (called Camp Widow), with workshops and seminars - and a banquet too. Us widows can still wear a party dress =).

    Perhaps you already know, perhaps it's not for you, but I just thought I'd share, as I know how helpful it's been for me.

    Take care, and know that, even on the worst of days and in the thickest grief, every breath you take is moving you towards that new path you need to take. Even if you feel like you don't know the way. And, Ryan is there cheering you on, along with the rest of us. (I'm at a bit of a crossroads at the moment too, and Elias came to me in a dream just the other night - on my birthday no less - in a way that helped me to feel as though one path I was questioning, he would be behind me on)
    Cheers, and keep on hoping.


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