Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Meri and Bright: A Christmas Journal

Dec. 24,2012 11:00pm

I've gotten through Christmas Eve, and I've only cried 4 times.

Of course...the day isn't over yet.  Another hour waits patiently in front of me.

Ryan is in the front of my mind today.  I miss him.

Ok, cried 5 times now.

"Ryan would think that's hysterical." 

"Ryan would love that."

"Ryan knew how."

"Ryan would understand." 
All things that echoed through my mind today.
Ryan always insisted on wrapping the presents from Santa.  Last year I remember us laughing so hard our stomachs ached and tears streamed down our faces because we were miserable failures at wrapping.  We were sure the children were going to comment how Santa's "special elves" wrapped their presents. 

This year I didn't wrap the gifts Santa dropped off.  I didn't have it in me.  I contemplated hanging curtains and saying, "Your presents are behind curtain #2!"  But I let them sit under the tree, in all their naked glory.  It is what had to be.

We visited Ryan's gravesite as a family today.  It was a solemn occasion, but one assaulted with bravery and love.  We said a prayer together, asking that Ryan would know how much we love him, and know how proud we are of him.

I ate too much today.

Dec. 25, 2012  11:50pm

Today was surprisingly successful.  The boys didn't wake me up this morning.  Instead they all huddled around their new computer and made an agreement to let me sleep.  I woke at 8:00 wondering if they all lay in comas.  This is the first Christmas I wasn't up in the 6:00 hour. 

We showered and headed to my parents for breakfast.  The entire day consisted of food, a trip to the theater, more food, more food, a nap, desserts, eggnog, food, and A Christmas Carol. 

And fudge.  How could I forget the fudge?

One pump battery died.

One pump ran out of insulin.

Lawton alerted once.

A million and one boluses were administered.

Otherwise though, it was really a lovely day, and I'm thankful for my family and friends for providing much needed distractions.

It's midnight now and I'm about to call it a day.  But first...blood sugars. 

Wait for it...I'll be right back.

105, 223, 236.  Not a home run, but I'll take it.

I ate too much again.  Dear Treadmill, please be kind tomorrow. Sincerely, the girl full of fudge.

Favorite Christmas song this year:  O Little town of Bethlehem.  "Yet in thy dark streets shineth the everlasting Light;  The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight."

Favorite gifts:  The quilts my sister made for the boys out of Ryan's favorite shirts.  I did wrap those.  I'm not a complete failure.  And for myself, a book of coupons made by L...including "Good for one walk, Good for cleaning the bathroom, good for vacuuming," and my favorite, "Good for 10 pictures to put on Facebook."  (Hilarious!  He doesn't like when I put pics up of him for the world to I always have to get permission.)

Favorite Christmas movie this year:  It's a Wonderful Life.  "No man is a failure who has friends."

Favorite movie quotes:  From LOTR the return of the king, "There's some good in this world Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

and this exchange too:

Pippin: I didn't think it would end this way.
Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it.
Pippin: What? Gandalf?... See what?
Gandalf: White shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
Pippin: Well, that isn't so bad.
Gandalf: No... No it isn't.

Favorite phrase taken from church:  "Christmas isn't about opening presents, it's about opening your heart."

Favorite scripture quote:  John 16:33 "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." 

And also, simply the phrase, "Fear not."

In fact I believe that will be my motto for the new year. 
Christmas accomplished. 

Meri Christmas, friends!


  1. Merry belated Christmas... and here's to a Super 2013.

  2. Peace, love and joy to you and your precious boys in 2013!

  3. You did it, Meri. You are amazing in a million ways and a blessing to the word in a million more. Your beautiful family has been on my mind and in my heart all season. I'm happy to hear your day was special, despite the aching hole that exists in your soul.

    Love you, friend.

    Praying for all good things in 2013. "Fear not."

  4. <3 to you and your family, Meri.

  5. What a beautiful post...written just as it was for you and your experience. Thank you for sharing this, Meri. What a gift you are to us. Love you.

  6. Fear Not. Love you, my friend!
    I am so proud of you! And I know I'm not the only one... Sending you big ol hugs!

  7. You are an amazing woman!! lots of love and hugs headed your way.


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