Thursday, September 20, 2012

Diabetes: Our Security Blanket?

Plunging toilets, killing spiders and changing sets.  Ryan's jobs.

Thankfully when a killer giant spider jumped out at me while making lunches this morning my sister in law jumped in front of me to save the day.  Sets?  J has taken to filling reservoirs for me, and thankfully the toilet hasn't been an issue for me yet.

Ryan was brilliant at changing sets.  We use quick sets, and for the life of me I have no idea where the good "rocket" is.  (We call the R2D2 like serter, the "rocket.")  We have one that fits the set perfectly.  It is a cloudy white on the inside...we've never inserted a wonky set with it yet.  But like I said, it is in a place that probably only Ryan knows so we are left with the bright white insided rocket that is pretty sucky.  Maybe I'm making excuses, but I've inserted THREE bad/kinked sets this week.  One was discovered during the first few minutes of church with the lovely, "No Delivery" alarm.  The other buggers never alarmed and left me to discover them after "HI" came waving back at me from the meter.

Also, blood sugars are all over the map.  Before Ryan passed the boys needed half corrections at night.  The night Ryan passed they immediately started needing twice the insulin at night for corrections.  Then...last week they went back to being sensitive to the insulin...only to now find B the last four nights needs twice the insulin to come down, again.  (Me thinks another growth spurt cometh.  Nighttime basal changes?  Blarg.) 

It's a good indicator how the boys emotions are ebbing and flowing.  B won't leave my side when he comes home from school.  L has often been calling with headaches wanting to be with me after lunch.  The older boys are normaling the best they can, but every once in awhile I see the melancholy on their faces.  They all hug me a lot more.  Intuitively they know that's what their mother needs right now.

Grief is a surreal place to be.  It feels like we are in a foreign country right in our home.  Heightened senses make everything look new and out of place.  We walk in the front door knowing that this is home, yet we cautiously  are waiting for it to feel like home again.

Although fickle and frustrating, diabetes has been a comfortable companion as of late.

The familiar routine that we have, changing sets and checking sugars, brings normalcy to us.   It's one of the only things that doesn't seem foreign these days. 

I can't say I am thankful for diabetes, but diabetes is part of the home that we've left behind.  Don't get me wrong...the nights are killing me.  I need to get those figured out, but something tells me the boys bodies aren't even close to being predictable.   And that's ok, 'cause neither is mine.

I wore eye makeup yesterday to run some errands.   My tear ducts indicated that was a stupid idea right off the bat.

But wearing that make-up, or trying to, was a step forward.  

Changing sets, killing spiders, wearing make-up...putting one foot in front of the other...

That's all we can do.

We are doing our best.  And who can do better than that?


  1. You are doing great. You're can't do better than that! And you silly, when I asked other things you need, why didn't you say you need a better quik set inserter! :)

  2. The "home" part killed me. I am crying Meri. Thankfully... Waterproof eye makeup for me today. I get it... How weird... But I get diabetes making home feel a little more comfortable. Proud of the eye makeup step. Xo

  3. that's an awesome description of grief - foreign country in your own home. Thanks for sharing Meri,you have an amazing ability to describe feelings.

  4. You rock. And I love that you say blarg since Liz Lemon rocks too. when you are ready ---- I need to introduce you to my agent. and my publisher. For now, just keep stepping.. sometimes forward and its okay if you go back here and there -- we are all here to step right with you as best we can.

  5. Praying for you and your family, Meri.

  6. I love your family and I love your writing. I think I remember seeing a video of Ryan loading up a cartridge in a very speedy manner when I first started looking for insulin pump people online. Was that him? I should try to find that video again.

    In honor of you and Ryan today, I did a thing I've been waiting for my husband to do. And that was moving a dehumidifier. A man's job if ever there was one. I did not like it one bit. It is not easy to be fabulous and Schuhmacher-y

  7. Love you Meri. Think about you and the boys all the time. I am so proud of you all for the attitude you have taken in all this, and I KNOW you can do it.

  8. Katy, I so remember that video too and what a huge help it was as we made the transition to the pump. Meri also played a big part in that transition and I an so grateful to them both.
    We had a wonky 'rocket' too - hated it! Switched to Mios now.
    Hugs to you and the boys Meri.

  9. You are a brave,brave, brave woman! Your words are helping so many people. I am praying for you and your boys daily.

  10. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and the boys and wonder how you are doing. I pray that the boys blood sugars stay good so you have one less thing to worry about. I pray that you can feel the love hugs that are coming from all over the world to comfort you. I pray that I can have part of the strength and grace you have when I enconter that kind of pain in my life. Over the years your blog has brought tears and laughter to my heart and I hope you know how much I am greatful for that.

  11. Meri, I love you guys. There is a big part of me that is glad you are using writing about this stuff as a coping tool. I know it sounds a bit trivial, but I use that tool to help me deal with my diabetes quite often. There's something about it that brings a peace. Big hugs to you guys.

  12. Wearing make up, wow that's a big step - I still feel proud when I get the chapstick on and a regular shower :)
    I know all of this is tough. Even though my husband was grown (30 yrs old) when his father passed it was hard. He had a difficult time talking about it, but I knew, he lingered in hugs longer, he needed reassurance, he desired his elder male family members company far more than he ever had before - things changed quickly. He and his father were really close. Still 3 years later he will re-read sections of the book Fatherloss, he texts his uncle weekly and has grown even closer to his sibling and mother in the most quiet of ways. Your boys will grieve, but they are so blessed to have one another, to have you and a wonderful extended family. I can't even fathom your depth of sadness, I just have endless hope and knowledge that you are not alone in any of this and are so incredibly loved. I appreciate you sharing with us. ((HUGS)) and a multitude of prayers, too :)

  13. Meri, You and the boys are daily in my prayers.

    Waterproof mascara. I think they should really just market it as tear proof. But it does make me feel better to cry and know that only the puffy red eyes betray me versus puffy red eyes with huge black smudges under them.


  14. Your "best" is incredible and inspiring. Your family has rarely left my thoughts in the past few weeks, and my prayers continue to be with you.

  15. I would totally take care of your spiders, but if there's a frog... I'm outie! I have to say that you have some of the best boys in the world. I can imagine them taking care of their mama. Guess that's what happens when you have an awesome roll model.

  16. Meri, i'm thinking of you and the boys, and saying prayers. You are doing a fabulous job, and your boys will love you all the more for it. Stick together and know that the whole wide DOC is out here, praying for you and sending hugs and love your way. You are the strongest woman I know. Remember to be kind to yourself, and take it one second at a time if you need to.

  17. Wearing make up is HUGE! What a big step...and diabetes is probably out of control to keep you on your toes right now and keep you somewhat distracted. You can do this. There is no other choice. And I agree with Scott, there is really no better therapy than writing. It's a purge, albeit a little one but all of the little purges add up in the end. xxoo sending more love from Texas.

  18. Im so sorry for tour loss. Although reading through your blog is so helpful to me right now. I am currently laying with my13 yro merideth who was just dx. I also have a 6 and 16 yro that is type1. I have been losing my mind for the last two days looking for statistics and data on having 3 and i have found nothing. Hoapital and endo do not know. Saying all that reading some of your blog has allowed me ti exhaled just a bit. We have two more girls and our family is devastated.

  19. I know I already told you this but wanted to remind you here too. The wonky Quick-set rocket is why I switched sets. The redesigned "for the wonky people" serter just doesn't work!

  20. i totally posted about the video ryan made about site changes on my blog as a tribute to him.

    thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. we are all here for you.


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