Sunday, May 27, 2012

Being molded hurts

I cried at J's 8th grade graduation.

It wasn't the ceremony.  It was the tangible feeling that despite our crazy life...time stands still for nothing.

My boys are growing up right before my eyes, at what seems like lightening speed.

It was a surreal feeling sitting in that I was experiencing a moment on a time line.  I could feel the rush of life swirling around my head.

Childhood is fleeting.

Life on earth is fleeting.

I understand that life is hard.  By why must this fleeting life be so hard for my boys?

They are still so young.   

What is the value of their sorrow?  What is the value of the pain they endure?

I can only lean on my faith and hope that these things are molding them into something more incredible than they already are.

Imagine clay in the molders hand.  It is squished, pulled, scrunched, and twisted.  Imagine being that clay.  It just isn't easy.

It's difficult to watch the hard things shape them.  It isn't a beautiful thing.  Hard things are never comfortable or easy.

I want so badly to make it all smooth for them.

I want so badly to make it all no big deal.

I want so badly to give them a break from needles.

I want so badly for their daddy to go into remission.

Kids have it so hard these days.  Somehow, it has became cool to be mean.  My kids don't fit into that mold.  They are already having a hard time just being kids...but add a 24/7 disease and a father who they worship...who is looks different, and acts a little different, and can't do what he used to do.

Things have been a bit less predictable around here lately diabetes wise, and cancer wise.

It is killing me.

My heart aches for my family.

Their plates are full.

How can I lift them up and empower them when I am feeling so down and powerless myself?

All I can say is, bring on Summer.  Bring on fun.

We are soooo ready.  In fact Ryan is taking next week off to focus solely on fun.

(And a few doctors appointments that will hopefully bring us some good news.)

I have a feeling that a smidgen of good news is all this family will need to normal forward.

Deep down, I can't shake the feeling that this is the way it was always going to be.  Somewhere deep inside my swelly brain there is the feeling that we are on a road that is...maybe...for lack of a better word, our destiny?

Is it that we are on a timeline...and the future, although unknown to us, is not unknown to God?

Something I need to pray about...but in the meantime, although feeling us being molded into different people hurts, I just can't help but feel that someday...we will be something better...something brighter, than we are today.

That thought helps get me through.  Heaven knows we are full of imperfections.

I can only lean on the hope that this molding process won't leave us broken...

But instead...renewed.


  1. I pray that God comforts you and encourages you. Thank you for so gracefully accepting your path. Our Lord was a man acquainted with sorrows; and you are too. You also carry your family and each member who is acquainted with sorrows. I sure you could write each day of your sorrows and each trial would bring tears as we read. Instead, you share your sorrows and ALWAYS point us to the Savior Who walks with you. God is truly Glorified. Thank you so very much for accepting His plan for your life. It never sounds easy or comfortable, but it is inspiring; because if you can bring so much faith to your words, so can I who struggles are real but no where as consuming as yours. You have my heart and prayers, always.

  2. I wish I was there to wrap my arms around you, lift you up and pass along every bit of power I have left in me to you. You deserve a break, Meri, a release for that swelly brain. You all do. Since I can not be there... please know that I think and pray for you guys everyday. I know, no matter what shape your mold re-makes, you can only grow into a better you. You are already good, kind,full of heart and more inner power than you could possibly know. Hang in there, my friend.

  3. Lifting you and your precious family up with every thought of you.

    Know that with the uncomfortable-ness of the molding comes peace and comfort.

  4. *sigh*

    I love you and your family. Nothing in this life is guaranteed. For you that is magnified inmeasurably between diabetes and cancer... and yet you inspire with your grace, your courage, and your faith.

  5. Beautiful post, Meri. I admire your strength and your ability to express what you're feeling with so much clarity. Praying for your husband, and as always, for a diabetes cure.

  6. Praying for the clay that is stretched and shaped and spun around, around, around.

    Praying for the fresh air, the moments that make you catch your breath, the life that keeps moving.

    Praying for your strength, your peace, your hope, your comfort, your resilience.


  7. Beautiful. While being molded into new and different versions of ourselves, there is always that core part of you still there...still exuding that beauty and that light and that strength. Prayers and strength sent always

  8. Praying for you and your boys.

  9. Your journey and your strength never ceases to amaze me. Your value of life and your ability to face each day with such hope is a lesson for all of us. We continue to pray for all of you. It sounds like your children are being moulded in the best possible way. Congratulations and hoping for a lot of sunny days to come for all of you.

  10. You're amazing. Your family is amazing. I'm praying for you all.

  11. ((HUGS)) Praying for you guys, hope the week off goes amazingly well and you guys all get to spend some restful renewing time together. And, I would cry at the 8th grade graduation - lord knows I cried the other night just talking with the hubster about Ethan "graduating" from Kindergarten. I am just amazed, time flies way too fast. Enjoy today Meri. :)

  12. once again a beautiful post about painful feelings. i am sending you and your family love and light.

  13. Meri, Lora said it best. Mothers are the nucleus of every family. You are already such an amazing core strength for everyone. I wish we lived close so you could come to my house, have coffee and I could be your dumping ground and then send you back to your families just like nothing ever happened! Until then I will read each list as if you came over. Lol!

  14. We have been praying for you and your kids. You are touching lives with your blog. You are so inspiring and what great love you have for each other and the kids. I love how you wrote about Ryan. His smiling eyes. I am imagine he is touched by your and kids great love. We will pray for God to hold hands with you and right by you closer during this time. He is very near with broken hearts (forgot verse?) I remember my sister sent me the verse when my heart was broken. You will be in prayers May you find comfort that we all care and praying during this time.


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