"I'm all in."
He looked at me for a moment, brows furrowed, trying to figure out what I said. I returned the look, pausing to figure it all out myself...
"With my faith that is. I'm all in. I've laid it all down at His feet...I trust that He'll take care of us."
And I do.
And I'm functioning.
How am I not certifiably insane?
My head is immersed in the fog of uncertainty. Sometimes, at the end of the day I look back and wonder how I got through it.
And now I think I know...
It is because I am all in.
Going all in has allowed me to cope with all of this in a way that I never thought I could.
Ryan was in the emergency room this morning. I won't go into the details, but needless to say it was a setback. Once I let the tears out there was no stopping them.
All. Day. Long.
But deep down...seriously...deep down at the bottom of this lake of tears I've cried...there is a peace.
Cancer fog can be so maddening. Diabetes fog can be so maddening. Hormone imbalance fog can be so maddening. The world’s fog can be so maddening.
Maybe in a weird way I am certifiably mad, as in Mad Hatter mad…
But more important than that…right now…I am certifiably coping.
And that is a miracle I cannot deny.
It's all or nothing. I'm pushing in my chips. I'm getting up from the table.
As much as it terrifies me to think we might lose...I feel confident that our needs are known.
No good questioning things now. I have faith or I don't.
Am I scared? You bet your sweet bahookie I am.
But I'm banking on my faith. Banking that my faith will always exceed my fear.
I'm all in.
Meri, you never cease to amaze me. love you! <3
ReplyDeleteLove this. Love you. Praying. Always.
ReplyDeleteIn situations no where near as serious as yours (but seemed like such a big deal to me at the time) I have made that same statement - Either "I have faith or I don't." It's easy to believe during the easy times. It is really stinking hard to believe during the awful times. I have faith.
ReplyDeleteMeri... I am praying for your faith to carry you through this all the time... it is the faith that will help you on the other side of what ever happens... While this is not the same as what you are dealing with at all... When Brian and I lost our little boy Matthew, (I was 24 weeks) people would ask how are you making it through.. how did you do it.. We would simply say with faith family and friends... we actaully found a wall hanging a few years ago that said the same thing. It is truly how you can do it. No matter how everything turns out it will be your faith that will get you through it, your family who will be there to help and your friends you can turn to. The Good, the Bad and the ugly those three things will remain, faith family and friends. WE love you in VA and are praying all the time for you!!
ReplyDeleteIn every prayer, we remember Ryan and your beautiful family...All in. All the way.
ReplyDeleteYou are such an inspiration, Meri. I've found myself in that spot, too (not nearly as serious or life-impacting health situations, though). The biggest challenge for me has been maintaining my "all in" faith and prayer in the good times, when I haven't really "needed" anything. Trying not to be the kind of person who only prays in bad times, but to have a continuous relationship.
ReplyDeleteMy hero. No lie my friend. Constant prayers and love!
ReplyDelete'No good questioning things now. I have faith or I don't.'
ReplyDeleteThese few words ring so true.
Love Amanda
All in, Meri. What a wonderful thought and theme to your life. We love you dearly.
ReplyDeleteLove from me too. Thinking of you every day. Hugs and foggy love sent every day too. xxx
ReplyDeletePrayers and hugs...
ReplyDeleteLove what you wrote. Having type 1 diabetes for 26 yrs ..trying to keep up with my kids without having problems myself has been the biggest problem I face praying for a cure!
ReplyDeleteMeri, this is one of the most powerful things I have ever read. My heart hurts so much but then I am overcome with emotions because I know God is with you.
ReplyDeleteEvery Sunday during prayers when we are asked to pray for those we name silently in our hearts, I close my eyes and I see Ryan. God puts him first on my heart every time.
I will continue to pray but I want to also say thank you for sharing this post. It has really struck a chord with me.
Big {{HUGS}} to you all Meri!
ReplyDeletePraying for you all Meri! Sending HUGS!
ReplyDeleteIsaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Praying and thinking for all of you!
ReplyDeleteThe Mad Hatter will prevail in the end.
ReplyDeleteAs always... your words are amazing and I am always amazed at your strength and, obviously faith. Praying for you and your family. May God bless you and yours everyday. Ryan and kids are so lucky to have you!!
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration to all of us. Hang on to your faith and hope. Praying for Ryan and hope he is doing a little better now. I am sure the drug treatment he is on is very hard on his system.... and see that as evidence that the drugs are being equally hard on the cancerous cells. God bless and keep you, Ryan, boys and dog. If anyone can beat this, I think your family can.
ReplyDeleteall in.
ReplyDeletenow.
yes.
love.
Meri, we are "all in" too! Standing in a big line right behind Ryan, you and the boys. Every one of us! Love.
ReplyDeleteFaith is a beautiful and sometimes maddening thing. You have strength beyond my ability to even comprehend, Meri. Prayers and hugs!
ReplyDelete