Thursday, February 11, 2010

ComprENDO que estoy loco

Translation: I understand I am crazy.

Yesterday, after my shower and the mandatory make-up regimen…I gave myself the final look in the mirror. You know, the one we do to size up the situation. The final check before we run out the door. Usually, I am satisfied with the final check. (I have really low standards,) and I start my day.

But yesterday, as I peered in for a looksie, all I could think was, “Dang woman, you look like hell.”

Even after my regimen, I looked tired and gaunt. I chalked it up to maybe starting to catch the cold the boys have…but as I ran out the door, and did another check in the entryway mirror (hoping the results would look better with more natural light,) I was startled that I was in such bad shape.

I added a little more makeup…trust me when I tell ya, it didn’t change things.

The bags under my eyes were there. The paleness was still there.

I thought about the last few months as I ran out the door. I was on my way to take the boys out of school to go to our tri-yearly endo appointment. I brain scanned over the past few months and knew that their A1C’s would be the best they had ever been. I had put in more effort than ever before. Inspired by my blogging community, I made changes and had a goal to keep the boys in the 100’s as much as possible. (which is stupid, because diabetes does what it wants,) But I was as vigilant as diabetes would allow me to be.

Hence the dark circles under my eyes.

It is exhausting just thinking about the last few months. I told my SIL as we drove up…I’m expecting amazing A1C’s, and at the same time, I fully expect to be disappointed.

Here was my theory:
No matter how hard you work, diabetes is going to do what it is going to do, so you need to find the place where diabetes is important…but not the only all encompassing thing in your life. I always felt, once you find a comfortable place, stay there. I don’t like obsessing about numbers. I don’t think it is healthy.

But the last couple months, I’ve been a bit obsessive. And I’m mentally, and it seems physically exhausted because of it.

Secretly I hoped that their A1C’s would be the same as last time, and I would prove my theory that I didn’t need to obsess. That I should go back to being super laid back about it all.


Their A1C’s were freakin’ amazing.

Which in an absolutely loony bin kind of way, depresses me to no end.

How will I be able to keep the momentum going?

Keeping them in that range meant fighting many more lows. Which I don’t like. Which I think is somewhat responsible for the life that was sucked out of me this last month. You can’t have a 6.5 A1C without fighting lows.

And we all know how low’s suck.

I need to find my balance.

I need to control without obsessing. (Is that even possible?)

I guess I’m just overwhelmed about the upcoming next few months. My boys had wonderful A1C’s this month, but it came at a cost. And I’m feeling guilty that I am even thinking about the toll it took on me. Because I’m just in charge of all of this for a short while…they are the ones that literally have to live as diabetics forever, (or until there is a cure, but good hell, who knows when that will happen.)

Anyway, I made some goals, and they are to:

* Not obsess.

* Adjust basals and ratios so they don’t have too many lows.

* Have J carb count himself…to give him freedom, and me a little more room in my brain.

* Make things like blousing before they eat routine.

* Take care of myself. (An example of this might be not eating to help myself get through emotionally.)

* Make sure the boys are happy and as self sufficient as they can be.

I know!! It’s like I’m asking for the moon!

I’m sure I’ll be more optimistic after I recover from the 4 hours at the endo yesterday. It's just, Fan-Freakin-Tastic A1C's should feel better than this, right?

Man, I got problems.


  1. Ok, so you know you are amazing. And, you know we love you. Oh yea and we all know the toll. I feel for you -- I know that look that you are talking about so well.

    I have seriously seen myself age 10 years in the last 5 months. I have more gray hair than I care to tell you about and when I look in the mirror I see an aging woman instead of the youthful, hip mom that I used to be. Ok, so the youthful and hip part was all in my head but you know what I mean.
    D is hard on everyone in the family.

    For the record - I think you are an amazing, beautiful woman and I don't see what you see but I do understand how you feel.

    I think those A1cs ROCK! You should be very proud of your hard work.


  2. Wonderful Job Meri, you are amazing!!

    WOOO HOOO for the A1C #'s


    WOOO HOOO for your goals. I especially like the one to start taking care of yourself. We all forget that we need to love ourselves too and care for ourselves. If mama's not healthy no one is healthy, if mama's not happy no one is happy.

    and I really need to be filled in on the good hell because good hell I just want to be able to use it too!! :)

    great job

  3. I guess we are all asking for the moon then and you look great to me dont change anything .

  4. It's all such a mixed bag of everything, all the time, isn't it? If we want great A1Cs we gotta work our tail off. Worth it, but at what expense to our self? That seems like an awful question to ask of us moms, cause we would do anything, anything, to have great A1Cs for our kiddos. It just comes at great mental expense, emotional expense and family expense. It's so hard to find a balance between it all.

    Congrats on the great AiCs Meri. I can understand how hard you worked at it. A great big pat on the back from PA to you! I'm also glad you realized it's toll and are assessing how to do it with much less stress :0)

  5. Our turn tomorrow! I too am learning not to obsess, easier said than done! We live with this every day but I will not let it take over our lives.And yes the Moon would be nice , perhaps Mars too!!

  6. Good job!

    You are such an amazing mom.

    I love reading your blog. You always have such a wonderful way of expressing yourself. You are so wise!

    I know you can meet each of those goals.

  7. There is no doubt I have aged 10 years in the last three. I see the same thing as you when I look in the mirror and I know the reason why. I always hope Caleb's endo will want his A1C to be higher - to give me a reason to ease up a bit. No such luck. So I am left to choose - my sleep (and sanity) or his long term health. How is that a choice?

    I applaud you for setting these goals. I am in awe that you can accomplish this with three T1Ds. I will follow to see how you make it happen, and hopefully follow suit!

    Yet another post of yours, Meri, that I feel like I could have almost written myself. Thanks again!

  8. You are amazing! I love you! I heart you!! Congrats on the good numbers but don't let them define you...of you will drive yourself crazy! Hugs to you!!

  9. Those really are great numbers but I could imagine the toll it is taking on you. It is so much to remember and do and moms always put themselves last. Add to your list of goals to not ALWAYS put yourself last. :)

    I think you are amazing!! I love reading your blog, and I feel inspired by you and your boys! Great work!

  10. You are an incredible woman... period. I don't know how you do what you do, but I've seen you in action and you do it with more beauty and grace than I ever could.

    P.S. You are good enough, you are smart enough, you are totally beautiful and DOGGONE IT... people LOVE you!

    Man, I am such a dork.

  11. P.P.S. Congrats on the A1Cs too!

  12. Oh funny I was just thinking of posting something..on my haggard appearance as of late. One mom gave me the once over after school the other day and asked if I was sick...ARGHH. I have aged countless years in the last 3 years.

    I LOVE your following it faithfully. is so nice to know I have you and all you other moms (and dads) out there living parallel lives.

  13. From one pale, dark circled mom to another: you are amazing for accomplishing this with 3 children. I've only got one to wory about, and I already am looking like the crypt keeper.

  14. Good hell woman those A1Cs are great! ;) Keep up the good work but dont run yourself into the ground doing it. Follow your words.. find a balance. I think you are amazing! Your boys are incredibly lucky to have you as a mom! Thank you for the pose, I loved it! I hate this disease but i love the fact that i have met so many wonderful women. Big fat hugs to you and your boys!

  15. Isn't that the truth! Mental/physical exhaustion equal a better a1c...but what does that make of the Mom?

    Man, what can I have some SERIOUS D Moms that admire you and think you are awesome!

    I'm SO glad your hard work paid I hope you chill a bit and find BALANCE :)

  16. GOOD HELL I love you, WOMAN!

    I'm so proud of you...I will pray for your balance.

    You, my dear, totally make me smile :)

  17. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  18. Good to know that I'm not the only zombie dark circle haggard mom!

    What a weight on your shoulders The Lord has placed! He knows you can handle it.....I'll pray along with Wendy for balance.

    Great job taking care of that family!

  19. I think you are incredible. For real.

    I want to be you when I grow up.


Moderation now enabled, so comments will not immediately be seen.