Monday, December 14, 2009

I just can't help it.

You wouldn’t believe it…but things have been calm here on the western front. All my diabetics are pretty dialed in, and I’m in my snug/happy/comfortable place…the place I stay before the next storm comes in.

I think this all lends to my writers block. I’ve been seriously stuck.

Regardless of my stuckedness…I have been in my own little world lately, reflecting on diabetes and how it has taken over our lives. I’ve been so preoccupied with it, I even found it hard to listen to the dear man speaking at the pulpit yesterday at church. It’s just; I couldn’t take my eyes off J’s fingers. I would trace each fingertip, feeling the roughness of his calluses. Remembering back to the years of checks we had to do…sometimes many in a one hour period when he was very little. I could see which fingers he favored…his thumbs untouched by the lancet. I thought of him growing up and married. I thought of the things they will have to face as a couple with a Type 1 Diabetic as patriarch. The insurance problems…the worry his wife will endure during the lows…

And even with all of this, I couldn’t help but smile. It goes against my dreary diabetic outlook, but somewhere deep down, I feel like there will be a breakthrough in the future that will make his, and my other diabetics, lives easier. Maybe it’s the time of year…maybe I’m in denial…but I have hope.


No, not necessarily for a cure…but hope for help. Hope for a better way to handle their diabetes. A miracle of sorts. I mean just 8 years ago, insulin pumps were new to young children. Now it is the go to treatment at UCSF no matter what the age. Things change. And with diabetes…things will change for the better. Maybe it will be a Continuous Glucose Monitor that is accurate, and fingers will be able to heal. Maybe it will be a new magic insulin that knows how much to release, and we won’t need to count carbs. Maybe it will be an islet breakthrough. I don’t know. But something is coming… something wonderful.

At least that is what I keep telling myself.

I think that someday we will look back and wonder how we did it with such crude and barbaric tools. The genius of today will give out to the genius of tomorrow.

And when this happens…I won’t be bitter. I won’t be upset that I didn’t have these magic tools when they were young. I will be grateful, and I will see them as answers to our prayers. All our prayers have to be making a difference…right?

The wheels are turning. Progress is being made. Not as fast as we would like, but time isn’t standing still…and everyday something new is discovered.

Until then, I want to offer this…

Ladies, we are being watched over. When we feel alone, we are not. We have angels to help us…I really believe that. I also believe that our prayers are heard, and the good Lord is smiling at our impatience. He knows we will be ok. He knows our children will thrive no matter what the circumstances.

Help will come.

I just can’t help but hope.


  1. Dear Meri,
    You have been an Angel by my side for many months, although you don't know it. I found your blog sometime ago and read it everyday. My six year old son was diagnosed one year ago this coming Saturday. This has been such a heartbreaking road and your words have helped me more than you can ever know. You inspire me and make this world a better place! Thank you for sharing your journey and helping me along the way with mine. Your family is always in our prayers. When we gather this weekend to celebrate how far we have come, I will be cheering all the diabetes moms, their courage and strength.
    With heartfelt thanks, Michelle, Alberta, Canada

  2. Shhhh ~ (in my wisper voice)don't talk about the calm outloud... you don't want the storm to hear ya :) J/K (hehe)

    I LOVE your last paragraph... I am a little choked up!

  3. Oh Meri you always bring tears to my eyes . Maybe one day it will be a pill we take one time and the big d will be gone . Oh Holy , glorious day maybe in our kids lifetime . that would be great .

  4. I completely agree! Something will be coming to help our kids manage this disease. I have HOPE too!

    Thanks for a great post! :)

  5. What a lovely post... thanks for the reminder to those of us currently in the storm.

    P.S. I'm sorry I hurt your ears! ;^)

  6. Michelle, I am so happy to hear from you! Congratulations on surviving the first year with the big D! It IS the have something to be proud of. Hug your little boy for me...tell him there are mothers and fathers out there, all over the world, praying for him and other people with diabetes everyday. Tell him we know how amazing he is...and he should walk tall!

  7. Welcome to the D-Mom world Michelle!

    So Meri, you have me crying before I even have had breakfast. Thank you though. That was a beautiful post. I tell Brooklyn all the time that Heavenly Father and Angels are there to help her when things are hard. To rely on them for strength. I loved it....and your last paragraph!!!! WOW!!!!!!!

  8. From your lips/keyboard to God's ear/computer screen.

  9. I love your family so much and wish I could see you more! I think it is so awesome that you have those moments when you feel like everything is right and okay--because you deserve them.

  10. I'm crying. And I can't even type.

    Just know that your inspiration means so much after a hard night.

    HOPE. Where would we be without it?

  11. Love this post.
    Except you made me cry. This part did it to me: "And when this happens…I won’t be bitter. I won’t be upset that I didn’t have these magic tools when they were young. I will be grateful, and I will see them as answers to our prayers."


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