Thursday, November 5, 2009

My Mini Breakdown

Today I woke up hating diabetes.

I was up all night with the boys, all were super high. All went to bed with perfect numbers and then JUMPED up to completely random highness. (Steak and noodles for dinner…it made no sense.) Generally, lately, I can go back to sleep after testing, but not last night. Last night I was up for hours…thinking…stewing…

L’s teacher has been “concerned” about his blood sugar numbers lately. For the past 5 school days, for some reason, he is jumping to the high 300’s or 400’s at snack time. Problem is, he dives after snack so it’s a delicate situation to try to get him to a decent number at 10:30 without him going low before I pick him up. And since a different parent brings in snacks every day, I never know how to bolus his breakfast. (Uh uh,I can't bring him his own special snack, because to L that is just a cruel punishment.) So I’m figuring it out. And I’m inching closer to where I want him to be. But now L’s teacher wants to know what his BG number is at snack. Because she is “concerned.” Concerned about what? That he is neglected…that he is getting poor care? He hasn’t been acting out, he is (surprisingly) a wonderful student. Yesterday, when I came in after school, I spoke to her about trying to balance his boluses and the fact that I’m trying different things. “Good,” she says, “It’s really been on my mind lately.” (Great, I’m sorry to take up a small part of your brain to worry about my son. My ENTIRE brain worries 24/7 about him.) I told her I’ve tried one more thing to help him at snack, but he has an Endo appt in the city next week and hopefully they will be able to give me more insight. “Oh GOOD!!!” She exclaims.

Yup, I let her get to me. This woman is a sweet woman. I really like her. She is my friend. But I let her comments get to me. Do I know she is judging me? No. But when you are up all night with high sugars, and you are feeling like a loser…you feel like she is judging me.

So then L wakes up to a wet bed, and says, “don’t worry mom, I put a blanket under me and then I didn’t have to wake you up!” Sweet, sweet little boy, who wet his bed because of me, (well really because he was high..but that’s not my state of mind this morning.) By this time I’m oozing guilt out of my pores. I’m late making breakfast because I have to bathe L, and I have 15 minutes less to get ready because I am picking up M’s friends for school. I’m volunteering today in J’s and B’s classes and just before I head out the door, I check my blog dashboard to see if there are posts. And there are…and I started reading one…and then I had to stop.

My happy place suddenly became my hell. Tears come. I HATE diabetes! I am a failure! My kids, they don’t deserve this. They need a nurse 24/7, not stupid me! The boy’s endo appointments are next week and ALL their settings are TOTALLY out of control! Every one of them is having issues. I’m a failure. And again, I HATE DIABETES! If I have to look at the word diabetes one more time…I’ll scream!
So I stop reading…and I cry…and I bring my mascara to put on in the car before I get into school, because now it’s hopeless to even try.

And then I refill strips in each boy’s supply boxes at school. And I turn in doctors papers to the office to give to our school nurse. (Who’s only there Tuesday mornings.) And then I realize I forgot to take my TMJ pain meds. And then I help in classes. And then I get a call that L looks low. And I run…I run! Because I changed his settings yesterday and who knows what I will find. And he is 70. And J is 96 and B is 62. And I over did it because I let L’s teacher get to me. And I’m having a pity party…and I want to run away…

And then, as it always does, something happens to put my stupid life into perspective.

I find out that my friend at school is in the hospital. She was diagnosed with MS last year, and now last week was diagnosed with Leukemia. She is the hospital indefinitely…she is having chemo. Her husband was laid off last year. She is the bread winner. She probably needs a bone marrow transplant.

And the good Lord slaps me in the face again. Meri, your boys are at school. Playing…laughing. They have two healthy parents who love them. You are doing your best. You can’t do better than your best. Meri, you are an idiot. Slow down, you have a great life.

And then I come home and find the strength to read my blogs. And Wendy’s dear friend has passed away. She has left her family and her friends too early.

And I am here.

And I will be ok.

And my boys will be ok.

This craziness will pass, and we will be able to find the bolus and basal sweet spots for the boys.

So my pity party is over. I think I can go back to being positive again. I am recovering from my mini breakdown, and my husband got home early and gave me one of his famous bear hugs.

The peace is returning.


  1. Meri,I want you not to let that teacher bother you anymore . the one teacher my son had once she would not even care for my son and she said she did not get paid to be personal teacher . so my ex and I had to put my son in private school . You are a fine mother and that teacher needs to keep her concern to herself and her mouth shut . LOL !! I hate well meaning ppl unless you live it , you dont know it . I forgot to eat yesterday and starting shaking and after that I could feel was going to be a seizure well I got something quickly enough . You see it can happen life is not perfect and neither are we . Hugs to you .

  2. I am thinking about you today and think you are doing great!

    We all do!!

    Someone sent this quote to me when Nate was diagnosed -

    "If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back"

    I know that we are all praying for Holli's family. So sad!

    I'm thinking of you - hugs!!

  3. Thank you for your thoughtful's a hard day over here.

    I will pray for your friend...these things just don't make sense to our human brains. God's plan is much bigger and we must rely on faith. Especially during the most difficult trials.

    Oh, Meri. I can't imagine taking a difficult night with numbers and muliplying it X 3. You are a valiant mother. At the end of the day, they're just numbers. We catch the lows and treat the highs...but they're still just numbers.

    But your boys are YOUR BOYS. And they are so blessed to have you for their mother.

    Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your prayers.

  4. Oh Meri....I felt the same way for weeks. HELL. I hear you loud and clear and can only imagine x's 3.

    I felt the same way today when I saw Wendys post and have been seeing so many others being sticken with illness. Although I was grief stricken for Holli and her family, I felt incredibly thankful once more for all that we do have, Diabetes or not. I reminded myself also that Maddison is playing, jumping, laughing and ALIVE. Highs or lows. ALIVE and healthy. Just like you I was blessed with peace after chaos today! Thats all that really matters. :)

    ((BIG HUGS)) and lots of prayers for your dear friend.

    I suddenly feel as though I can handle THIS and anything that comes my way. The support of everyone in D land is amazing. LIFE is amazing. Mini meltdowns are surprisingly needed--to move on. We do and we will!!

  5. It's ok to feel bad and frustrated and sad and whatever. Just know that you are doing a great job - and Qwndy's right. They ate just numbers. Numbers that have no bearing on how good a parent you are! God knows, I don't want to be judged for our 569 today!!!
    Thanks for the link-- lots of great info!!

  6. You are awesome... your smile is contagious... your boys look healthy and you are an amazing mom. Never let anyone make you feel otherwise. L's numbers at snack are none of her concern if he is not having trouble in school. Sometimes the people that THINK they know are worse than the ones who are clueless.
    Take care...

  7. (((HUGS))) to you sweet friend! Dang has it's way with us every once in a while. Sometimes those meltdowns are just sooooo good for to let go of that tension somehow! Hang in there...just keep swimming....YOU are amazing!

  8. It's good to have a 'I hate Diabetes' rant sometimes - I had mine a couple of weeks ago! Where do those sneaky high numbers come from, and always at night too? Big hug from us here in a wet slushy Finland!

  9. Perspective is a funny thing. It's something everyone has and always changes.

    The Lord sure has it right. Though we may not see it through His eyes, we sure get it when He touches our lives. It's a little frustrating when it comes in the form of sorrow, but when it changes to blessings it's amazing!

    I know for me, hearing about Holli and reading your post and comparing my "pile" to everyone else's, perspective has changed around here. I'm a little more aware of my own blessings today.

  10. Glad that the peace is returning... it's good to come out the other side, isn't it?

    Sometimes I have a hard time wrapping my tiny brain around this sad old world of ours. I see and hear things that make me what to lock myself in a closet and never come out.

    But just like you said, I am here, Elise is here, my husband is with us and we'll all be okay... even though it doesn't always feel like it.

    Thinking of you and hoping one day we'll get to meet face to face. We're working on it. November 20 is the very tentative date.

    Hoping you and the boys are doing better today.

  11. ::hug:: I have tears in my eyes just reading this post. I only have one diabetic child and I have had similar feelings, so I can only try to imagine how overwhelming it must be for you sometimes. You are taking good care of your children... you are active and involved. That teacher might mean well, but she needs to think before she speaks.

  12. I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better and now you have put me in a better place too. I have been going throw kinda the same thing with Cara but not x's 3 (I really don't know how you do it) Cara's nurse called me twice because she was "concerned" that Cara is too high. She just does not like that fact that Cara is in the 20's before she gets on the bus. However I have to do that to Cara because no one at the school cares enough to check Cara before snack and if she does not have a carb snack during the day she is too low when she gets off the bus. So no matter what her BG is at snack time she is getting a carb snack causing her to be high on the bus.

    I'm so happy to have you here to make me feel normal and that I'm not going crazy!! THANK YOU

    Realizing that there is many many other illnesses that Cara can have that are so much worse than Type 1 is the way I deal with Cara's dx every day. She is healthy, happy and doing great :)BTW we all need pity parties it is what helps us realize how wonderful our life truly is.

  13. HUGS!!! I second what the others said! YOU ARE GREAT!!! I luv ya!

  14. When it rains it pours!! I am sorry to hear about his teacher, that does make it so much harder.

    Mattie's teacher told her she "didn't have time to deal with her low sugars, and to call mom"
    Yeah, my hair went up in flames...

    There are days when we throw our own temper tantrums and then we move on, but, its our to throw and I am glad you threw your's!!

    Good job, mom... :)

  15. I sooo feel your pain. I really can't fathom how you do it with three. You amaze me.


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