Thursday, September 6, 2012

Aching


I wasn't expecting it. 

Looking back it should have been more clear to me what was happening, but in the moment...I was just coping with him.  Loving him.

How everything happened last Sunday is so personal I can't write it down here, but I can tell you that without a doubt...we received our miracle.

I sit here completely humbled, and shocked.  How God got away with this without me cursing him is the monumental miracle itself.  Each detail of the last week was carefully seeded so that on the other side I could not deny this timeline was always set.  It just wasn't for me to foresee.

My body is barely hanging on.  I am so weak, and tired, and aching.  I ache everywhere.  But my brain is working overtime...leaning on the muscle mass it has gained the last few months.

I wish I could turn it off.  I wish I could flip a switch and give my body a break from feeling it all.

I wish I could know exactly what to do for the boys, and what to say.  I hate guessing my way through something so important.  They are my number one priority right now. 

He fought the fight so valiantly.  Last night as I was staring at the wall trying to convince my brain to sleep, I realized that not once did Ryan ever complain.  He never questioned why this was happening to him.  He was only always positive.  Hope was the only option in this house...it was how he lived.  Finding the joy in the little things was his legacy, and looking back I do not regret one minute of our journey.

I hope one day to be able to follow his lead and live with the assurance that all will be well.  Today that seems impossible.  Nothing is well.  Saying I miss him is not even close to the pain that I feel.  He was my everything.  My favorite.  The love of my life.  My best friend.  He got my sense of humor.  He never judged me.  For the past 20 years we did everything together...our hobby was each other.

Writing things out is my best therapy.  Letting it out and knowing my feelings are there to look back on help me get through.  I don't know how long it will take me to navigate this road I'm on...maybe forever...but I will continue to come here and lay it all out.

It is my way.

I hope that it will help me get through this day.  And then tomorrow I'll figure out a way to get through that one too.

Thank you for raining down love and support to me and my beautiful boys.  Thank you for your tears, and for being my friend.

I don't know that I can do this.  I'm completely scared out of my mind.  But I know that Ryan knows I can do this, and that gives me the hopeful inkling that maybe, just maybe...I will. 


86 comments:

  1. You. Are. Amazing. Here is to Ryan continuing his excellence, using you as his vessel.

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  2. Love and hugs and prayers for strength for the coming days. It is an honor to read your writings and hold you and your family in my thoughts. You CAN do it -- you WILL do it, with a special guardian angel watching over you.

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  3. You can do this. If anyone can do this, You my friend, can. We are all here to help you and hold you up. Sending so much love to you Meri.....

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  4. You CAN and WILL do this because you are one of the strongest women I know. Never loose faith in yourself.

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  5. Dear Meri,
    May God help you and your family. You are a great example of strengh, courage and dignity. I can not imagine what you are going through but I know through God's loving grace you and your family will be okay.
    God Bless you,
    Mari
    (Santa Ana, CA.)

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  6. There can be no courage if your not scared... And I KNOW you have courage. YOU CAN DO THIS, MERI!! You WILL do this. I love you more than words... SCL.

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  7. We are all behind you meri, we love you!

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  8. Meri,
    As I read through the many comments and messages that have been posted over the past week, one thing stands out- actually two things, but they are really the same thing. 1- everyone has (like Ryan) an unswerving confidence in your ability to get through this and 2- your strength inspires others. PLEASE do not hear these messages as anything other than a promise to HELP YOU in every way possible, to keep walking through each day as it comes. No one expects you to do this on your own because it would be utterly impossible. Keep writing, one of the redeeming aspects to this whole mess is that your therapy becomes our therapy. Thank you for the privilege of going through this, in some small way, with you step by step. Day by day.

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  9. You can and your boys have their fahter's strength, love and hope so deeply in their being that they can too. I am here to help in any way I can, at anytime. You are an amazing wife, mother and friend. I love you.

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  10. I am so glad you're continuing to write! I feel so, so certain you are doing the right thing for your guys right now--I don't think anything's better than love and sincerity. And you have those out the wazoo. Sending lots of love.

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  11. Much love to you and your boys. <3

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  12. I don't know what to say except we will be with you the whole way.
    Love Amanda

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  13. the beauty that lies beneath the words you write is astounding, Meri. I pray for the ache to subside in the days, weeks, months that lie ahead. When one day at a time does not seem to work.....make it one moment at a time. Love to you and your sweet boys!

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  14. At risk of redundancy, you CAN do this. Day to day. Moment by moment when you have to. But what I know is that God will give you the daily grace and strength you need exactly when you need it. I won't even pretend to understand the level of grief and I am sure the days ahead ... but you can do this. We are all embracing you. Praying for you. Weeping with you. Loving you. And Ryan, it's amazing how much I respect and am amazed by a man that I have never had any personal connection to. But I do not doubt his greatness. And I know that a man of such strength and love and perseverance would only fall in love and share his incredible life with someone equally amazing -- YOU. Believe in you, Meri. He did. I love you.

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  15. You can do this and your boys can too. Praying.

    And I can't see the word verification very well with tears in my eyes.

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  16. I wish I could take any portion of your pain Meri so you could feel just a little less. You and your boys are constantly in my prayers.

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  17. Meri -- my heart aches for you and your boys. Anyone who ever came in to contact with you and Ryan knew without a doubt that the two of you had found your home in each other. You truly were each other's everything. It reminded me a lot of my parent's relationship, something rare and beautiful. Please know that I am with you in thought and prayer. I know that I sent you this prayer once before, and I'm sending it again because it is something that gives me hope.

    Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
    The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you today and every day.
    He with either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
    Beat at peace and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings. -- St. Francis de Sales

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  18. Thank you for sharing and please continue to do so as it will help us know how to pray for you.
    Today I am praying that you will begin to feel rested.
    Elizabeth in Missouri

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  19. A thousand hugs and a million strong thoughts to you, Meri. You can do this. You are loved.

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  20. You can. You will. You are amazing.
    Love you, dear friend.

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  21. Let the inner strength and hope that carried you thus far continue. You will do this. Blog it out, as you always say, and lean on us for support. We will be there for you and your boys. My heart aches too...more than I can adequately express here. I love you more than words, too. SCL

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  22. Absolutely speechless - this post was beautiful. You and your family are truly amazing . You are in this because you CAN do this. :::Hugs:::

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  23. I am humbled by your strength. You are ever so strong it truly does amaze me. I am thinking of you during these times and you are truly a strong individual, but it is OK to let it go. You are there for the boys now and that's all they'll need. You have and will continue to shower them with love and that's what's needed. But you also MUST take the time for yourself, it's ok to let go at times, any time, doesn't matter. Hugs and prayers for the entire family...

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  24. I have always respected you, Meri. From the moment I "met" you, I liked you. You are a birthday buddy, so I've felt that connection to you. I am in awe of you and how you see things, how you express them and mostly how you handle them. Valiant doesn't seem strong enough an adjective. You are my hero, Meri.

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  25. I pray you will have grace sufficient for each moment you face in the days ahead.

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  26. Meri, ALL of us feel your pain. Most of us have never met you, your amazing Ryan or your four terrific boys but on Sunday we all felt your loss. You are AMAZING and while you may not feel that way or want to hear it, you are! You and the boys have a wonderful group of people in the DOC who pray and embrace you all each and everyday, not to mention the best angel looking over all four of you!! Hang in there my friend. Write it out and know that we are right there along with you! <3

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  27. Having been through the death of a spouse just last year, I understand some of what you are going through. Your marriage was what I had hoped mine would be, but I still loved him, inspite of all the problems he, and we, had. One thing I would offer to help you through the next few weeks is to be as easy on yourself as you can: do only what absolutely needs to be done, let family & close friends take care of you as they want to do, and just concentrate on getting yourself & the boys through each day, one at a time. You can & will get though this, with all the support you have here & from above. And when things start to slow down & you have time to breathe again, remember to believe in yourself and your amazing abilities to juggle everything you do while raising such wonderful young men! Keeping your family in our thoughts & prayers,
    Diane, Samantha, & Danny

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  28. There's nothing I can say that you haven't already heard accept that it's coming from me. You are an amazing woman and Ryan is with every step of this new journey to help guide you with his love. All of my thoughts are with you and your boys at this time.

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  29. We are all here for you Meri, pouring energy, and strength, and love, and understanding, and any small bit of comfort we can your way. Please know how much you mean to all of us and how we all wish we could flip a switch and make it all right again. You have helped so many of us. Time to take care of yourself now. Just know we are all here sending love your way.

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  30. You can do this, amiga... it may not seem so, but you will. And we will do everything we can to help you out.

    You are in our thoughts and prayers. I will see you very soon.

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  31. Meri, You have been an inspiration and support to me since I found your blog last November when my 7 year old was diagnosed with T1. You have lifted me up, encouraged me, made me laugh and cry just through your heartfelt posts. I felt an instant connection with you not only because we have T1 in common but my husband has battled melanoma as well. I cannot imagine your pain as you put one foot in front of the other each day for your boys. May God give you the strength, peace and determination to keep going, one step at a time. Sending prayers and hugs to you and your family. Shelley Hause, Round Rock, TX

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  32. You CAN do this with the help of all your friends and family. It will be a difficult journey but like others have said focus on you and your boys in the short term. Get help with anything and everything that is to much. Writing is great therapy and many of us in the DOC would love to hear how you are and hope that our support and love will make the journey a little bit easier.

    LYMI

    Kimball

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  33. So many tears spilling for you. Love love and more love. Aching with you. Wishing you comfort. Relief. Rest.

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  34. And yet you still took the time to reach out to me and offer encouragement to me in the middle of it all. Thank you so much. You and your family are constantly in my prayers.

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  35. Meri,
    My 16 year old son was diagnosed with T1 11 years ago. He was diagnosed with epilepsy 8 years ago. I lost my father last year to lung cancer after a 2.5 year brutal fight. He was one of my biggest supporters through my son's daily battles. Still, I truly cannot imagine your pain. I know you can do this. One day at a time, one breath at a time. I am praying for you and your family. Rest if you can, it is clear Ryan would want you to.
    Jan

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  36. You are one amazing women! I haven't been following your blog to long but long enough to know your strength, unconditional love, and amazing spirit. My son was diagnosed 3 1/2 years go with T1D at age 3. I branched out looking for support in all areas. I came across your blog from Facebook and was amazed at how you deal with not only 1 diabetic but 3. Then to find out your husbands condition broke my heart for you. I hope you find peace and solitude as days and months go on. You are strong women, my parents always said that god always knows who the strong are. You are strong and although I don't know you at all other than then thru your blog please know that my shoulder is here for you to cry on!!! Lots of prayers and blessings to you and your family!!! Liz Greenwood

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  37. Meri,
    Keep writing. Keep doing whatever gets you through the day. I don't know what it's like to go through what you have, but I know grief & I'm learning to know diabetes, so we have something in common. Hurting & aching is fine. That's better than numb. The way I look at it, you wouldn't have pain if you didn't have such a great love. So pain is ok. Rest when you can. I tell people all the time that they may think they didn't get the miracle they prayed for, but they need to look back & realize the miracle they got was the time they had together. You already figured that out! Keep all those important things in perspective. Hug those boys. I'm out here in the DOC if you need to talk.

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  38. Meri, You are not alone. You and your boys are so loved. I can't think of the words to say that would ease your pain but I will continue to pray that your pain will eventually lessen and you will find comfort in the memories you shared with your "everything". He is always going to be with you, you carry him in your heart.

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  39. We'll be here to read your thoughts and to send love and support your way. I know we can't fathom your pain so just know that we are here for what you need. When you have trouble catching your breathe...breath in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, then breath out for 4 seconds, and hold again for 4 seconds. Do this only 4 times in a row and because you'll have purged a lot of Co2, you'll find it easier to take a deep long breathe to help your body handle the massive amount of aching. Much love to you and your family.

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  40. Meri, perhaps today or tomorrow you just dont feel you can do this...and maybe you just cant right now....

    Just BE.

    Stay in hiding. Climb in bed and surround yourself with your boys. Surround yourself with family or friends, go for a drive, scream out your anger and fear......do whatever you need to get through each and every second of each and every day....

    The pain, numbness and despair you are going through is unfathomable, but day by day you will grow in strength. Ryan will continue to lift you up, having your boys will lift you up, the DOC will lift you up....I know it will. I know you will get through this and some day, find peace in your heart once again. Im praying endlessly for comfort, guidance and peace for you all. Love you Meri, always!!

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  41. Meri,

    I'm so sorry for the loss your family is feeling. If writing helps, then do that.

    I know you can do this. You said that writing was "your way".

    I believe that you will make it through this, because that is also "your way".

    Much love and prayers,
    Scott

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  42. praying, sending love and hugs. hurting with you, but know that it's nothing compared to what you are feeling.

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  43. Feel my love for you and the boys. MTW. xo

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  44. Just know that you and the boys are loved and cherished.
    Hugs...

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  45. Though I have never met you, Ryan or your four boys, I have followed your blog for quite a while. Your way with words has always resonated with me and I feel like someone else out there "gets it" as I mother my two boys, one with T1D. When I heard the news on Sunday, my heart ached. Sending hugs and prayers for you all.

    Kathy

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  46. I know he will continue to be your constant companion in this life, only separated by a thin veil, until one day once again you will be reunited to live out eternity together. I know it! You are a beacon of strength to the world. Keep writing. You touch lives through your words. May God's peace continue to rain upon you and your boys now and in the coming days, months and years. In Him is the only place I find strength at times and I pray you will too. My family has been praying for you and will continue to pray for you.

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  47. Holding your family in prayer. . . You were added to my mom's group's prayer intentions this morning. . .
    In hope. . . In Faith. . .

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  48. Whenever I try to reply with anything I just start crying. I keep praying and will continue to do so.

    You brother in Him,
    George

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  49. Meri, thanks for sharing this insight into Ryan, He sounds like a great friend and father.

    I'll continue to pray for you and your boys. If I can help in terms of supplies, I've got some spare Cleo insertion sets. If there's anything we can help with, just let us know.

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  50. Meri, So very, very sorry. I'm praying daily for you and the boys. xoxo

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  51. Meri, Words fail me. We are thinking of your family.

    Scott

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  52. No words Meri...we are hurting and crying with you. Continuing to pray and think of you and the boys, and Ryan's family.
    With love in Christ,
    Ivy

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  53. You are an amazing woman, Meri. Ryan is still with you and he's still holding you up, even if you can't see him doing it now. God's plan isn't always what we wish it to be, but He gives us the strength to deal with anything that comes our way. With God and your friends in the DOC, we will find a way to hold you up and help you through this journey in whatever way we can. Sending you all my love and prayers.
    Cindy

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  54. oh, Meri, I have struggled with what to say to you for days...I have cried for you all, yet know you will be okay all at the same time. You are in my prayers and thoughts, there is a large group here in the PNW praying and thinking of you guys endlessly. ((HUGS)) and thank you for sharing these intimate moments with us. You are incredible.

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  55. “There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.” -Deitrich Bonhoeffer

    I read that quote today and thought of you. You and the boys are in my prayers. I truly wish I could hold some of your pain, some of the boys' pain. I can't do that but I can and am praying that God will wrap you in His loving arms, hold you tight and ease your pain. Thanks for writing so I know how you are doing, it helps me know how to keep praying. ((hugs))

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  56. I love you sweet Meri. I believe in you.

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  57. Merri, I know we've never met but I cried on Sunday when I read about you losing Ryan. I'm so sorry. You've been such a inspiration to me. Two of my children have type 1, and YOU have been my greatest support in getting through some difficult days.

    A year ago last August, my little sister Holly also lost her husband in a tragic car accident. She was left to raise her 3 small boys and newborn baby girl. Watching her lose her husband was the hardest trial of my life. A year has passed and she's doing great. She is strengthened by everyone's prayers and by her friends and family. It's a amazing thing to see how strong of a woman she is. I have no doubt you'll do the same thing. You inspire so many, and I pray that you and your sweet kids will have the comfort you need during this difficult time. Lots of love - Teri Stowe

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  58. I guess that you know that you are not alone. Wow! People continue to write you every few minutes. While we have never met, you have inspired me. Through God you can do anything. Just remember that God will not give you more than you can handle in your life. If you are like me, you must keep reminding yourself of that, but just be still and know that God is with you and he will not leave your side.

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  59. Your faith through this incredibly trying time is a strong testament to your trust in God, and an incredible inspiration to your many brothers and sisters in Christ. With all of the love I have to send, Scott.

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  60. I love you Meri and I'm aching with you.

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  61. Beautifully written! Just recently, I verbalized to Ryan that I wished it was someone else who had his cancer, and he replied that he never had that thought...Love you! Lisa

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  62. Love you Meri. You are so strong and so amazing. Ryan believes in you and so do we.

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  63. You ABSOLUTELY will do it Meri! God will carry you through when you're unable to carry yourself.


    Jeremiah 29:11
    For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

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  64. I wish I knew just the right thing to say,


    I love you and your boys. Never had a family I never met impacted me the way you have, here for you in anyway you need me

    Praying for your comfort and strength, my friend.

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  65. Meri- You are strong enough to know you dont ALWAYS have to be THE strongest in the room. You will get to the other side of this too one day. Lean on those who love you and they will be your strength when you have none left. We all love you so very much!

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  66. Meri, nothing that I could say would take away your pain and I am so so sorry that I can't. Do whatever you need to do to get through today. We are here to support you, and will be here again tomorrow, and the next tomorrow, and the next. Love you more than words! SCL!

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  67. What an inspiration reading all of these posts . . .there is nothing more I can say but please know you are in my constant thoughts and prayers and will remain there . . .My heart is sad for you and your precious boys . . .just wanted you to know you are so loved and thoughts are with you . . .

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  68. There are truly no words, at this time, to really convey to you how much I empathize with your pain. Life is often a bittersweet thing. It gives us many seasons during which we weave many relationships. We learn, and embark on new journeys... and sometimes, those journeys end. The end always seems taboo... No one ever wants to speak of the end. It is never an easy thing. But alas, we MUST work slowly at finding, still, the very lessons and joys of this very last of seasons.

    As one who has lost, and missed immensely (and still do), I will only say this: please take your time. Be gentle with yourself, and your loved ones.

    While time will slowly give you your strength back, I want to, as loving as I can, say... that it is NOT your job, right now, to be invincible. It is not your job to be strong, or overcome, or to focus on coming out the other side. It is your job to heal, and process, and grieve. It is your job to simply let yourself exhale... To let yourself be a human who is hurting, and who is at loss. It is OKAY to grieve, and it is okay to hurt. These are not weaknesses, though they feel like enormous boulders we're carrying around, and asphyxiate us... they are life lessons we must not rush through.

    Ryan has, in many ways, not left you... He is forever in your memories, and he will live on eternally in your loving children, and the lessons and stories you both imparted them. Speak often of Ryan... focus on the good things, the happy things, the funny things he said, and did. Do not avoid speaking of him to your children, or friends and family. His legacy will forever live on because he has ETCHED himself permanently in your very souls. Speak of him often, for he would have like that. He would want his family to know... that he was HAPPY to have given you such wonderful, amazing memories... and to have helped you experience such wonderful love, and family bonding.

    If we see a marvelous shooting star, though for a brief moment, do we not speak of it? We'd be foolish to keep mum. So, then... do not stop speaking of Ryan.

    And may you find much comfort in the deepness, and purity of his memory, and in the love you shared. Now, and forevermore.

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  69. Meri -

    Just like at FFL, I have no words. I don't understand and I'm not going to pretend that I do. I heard about some of the specific circumstances of Sunday and I have no doubt that God made specific plans to grant you the comfort and peace you (and the boys) would need that day.

    "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” ~Washington Irving

    You are continually in my thoughts and prayers.

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  70. Meri, We are here for You and your fabulous Boys. One of your Boys has moved to another place, but he'll be around. You and Ryan had something that was written in heaven...and these stories do not end suddenly. There are new chapters that you all will read with joy when the time has done its healing. Tears are flooding now...beautiful roses will drink it and flourish afterwards. We love You.
    Mika, Raisa, Pyry and Fanni

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  71. thinking about you and your boys tons.

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  72. sometimes one day at a time is too much..so one moment or even one breath at a time..you will go on..for Ryan
    Love and prayers from Maine

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  73. Meri -
    I love you so much and I'm crying as I read your words, over and over again.
    This year of firsts will be a challenge and there will be moments when you think that you'll be unable to stand one more hit because the waves of grief are hitting so hard and so fast that your you're afraid that the next wave will be "the one.
    But you will be able to stand the storm because you have so many anchors of support.
    Anchors of support from above, anchors of support all around you (and both on-line and off,)
    and your own anchor of strength from within.
    XOXO
    Kelly K

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  74. Meri even though we have never met... like so many I feel like I know you.... You are an amazing woman and I have no doubt you will find the strength and courage to make it through this like everything else you manage in your life. May God bless you and the boys....I hope you can get some much needed rest.

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  75. I've never met you, but I read your amazing blog. You all are so strong. Like I said, I haven't met you... But I really wish I could give all of you hugs right now. God bless you and all the boys.

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  76. God bless you and your boys. I am so very sorry. You have to hope that a miracle will occur; you can't give up; and you will never give up. You can do this and your guardian angel will always be looking over your shoulder. Ryan will be watching over you and he is with you. Try to rest. You need your strength. Words fail, because life is just so unfair sometimes. Keep writing. Maybe you will write a book about Ryan and his courage someday.

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  77. Meri, I don't have any words for you but just want to let you know that you have been in my thoughts and in my heart constantly. Annemarie xxxxx

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  78. Meri, I just can't seem to stop crying for you and the boys. The only good thing about diabetes is it makes you keep going because you can't ignore it. After my Dad died ( small comparison) I wanted to crawl in a hole. But I had two guys who were staring me in the face and one blood sugar also staring me in the face. I just kept moving. Only until I was alone was I able to let it out. I will pray for your healing as I know it is a long road... Love to you all. And I am sorry. Love, Shari

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  79. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
    Jeremiah 29:11 MSG

    Praying for you all.
    And that you see hope and a future.

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  80. Meri,
    Have cried and prayed for you much. Love to you all.

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  81. Hello Meri. My name is Kylee. I have never posted on your blog before but today I feel that I must.
    Although I have never personally met Ryan I feel as though I know him through the wonderful and loving words you post here. I get the absolute sense that he, without a doubt, truly loved you. And I bet he still does.
    I just wanted to tell you that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your beautiful boys at this time of mourning. You have lots of people that love you that you have never even met all around the world praying for you and the boys.
    I'm very sorry to hear this news. Please accept my most sencerest condolences.

    ~Kylee~

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  82. As a fellow diabetic mom, I've read your blog for the past year or so. I am so sorry about your loss- such puny words, I know... I'm sitting here crying for you and your boys. They are so fortunate to have you and to have memories of a wonderful father and the relationship the two of you had. Prayers going up for your strength and comfort!

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  83. I am so sorry. From reading your blogs you seem as if you will find a way to live a truly happy life once more. In my 37 years I am not sure that I ever even knew of a love like you have with your husband, you and your family are in my thoughts.

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