Monday, October 24, 2011

Remembering when my middle name was Ann.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't remember. If only the days when my biggest worry was if a snotty nose was going to turn into an ear infection didn't burn in my swelly brain...maybe I would be having a better day than I am today.

Because today it feels like all the walls that I have built to protect me from my simpler past, are crumbling.

Three weeks ago every one of my boys had basals dialed in as succinct as a fine quartz watch...and now I don't know what I will find when the countdown flashes on the monitor. Any predictability I had before is gone.

When my boys call me with their numbers at snack I hold my breath...praying it begins with a one. "ONE ONE ONE," I scream in my brain as I'm waiting for the number, "PLEASE, START WITH A ONE."

It has all fallen apart that quickly.

And I wish this was all I knew. Because the echoes of yesterdays are screaming in my ear.

I remember.

I remember feeding my child and not doing algebra theorems in my head.

I remember leaving the house with only a wallet.

I remember going to sleep before my head hit the pillow...without setting an alarm.

I remember when my middle name was Ann...not Worry...

I remember.

And the worst part of it all is I wonder if my boys remember too.

These wonky numbers are ripping my soul out. If our children were in danger, we would protect them. But what do we do when the invader is their own immune system? How can we protect them from themselves?

I can't check their sugars more. I swear L's fingers are going to disappear from all the chiseling that lancet is doing. And he doesn't blink an eye. In fact he'll check his sugar every hour if he is feeling off. On his own. He is 7, and obviously going through a mammoth growth spurt at this very moment.

I feel so vulnerable. The numbness is wearing off. I was able to keep myself numb to all the numbers for so long...and now it is like the doctor has turned off the anesthesia and I can FEEL. Every number burns. Every carb count FEELS like the most important decision of my life. The weight has returned and my back aches from the guilt.

Guilt that I can't protect my children as well as I'd like to.

I wish I was smarter.

I wish I could fix it all.

I wish...

My mind knows that sooner or later we'll figure it all out and I will feel better as quickly as all of the recent occurrences have brought me down...

But my heart can't ignore the sight of my children in front of me...

Eating as fast as they can to satiate a low.

Gulping down water to quench the thirst of a high.

Washing blood droplets off their fingertips from constant checking.

Enduring extra set changes in hopes of fixing sustained highs.

Watching it hurts my heart.

I want to turn away, but we all know that will never be an option. They are counting on me.

So I will be there every minute, every step, trying to bring us back to the tick tick tick of predictability. And when we get there, I will rebuild those walls, and I will forget those simpler days again. I will look forward to the bright future that waits for my brave, selfless boys...and I will find ways to mask the daily grind of this disease.

Because all this focusing on the daily grind is grinding my spirit down to top soil. The boys don't need fertilizer for a mother. They need a rock.

May the good Lord help me to be that rock. From this blog, to His ears...


  1. Oh Meri! You will get through it! And when you do, then something else will change. Because D likes to keep us on our toes. But the fact is, you are catching the lows and treating the highs and your boys will be no worse for wear in the end. They are growing, which is literal catastrophe with Diabetes. But one of these days, they'll stop. And while it still doesn't become easy, it will get EASIER. i won't pretend to know how it is, because I have D, and I have to take care of myself, which is vastly different from taking care of someone you love with D. And you are like Super Duper D Mom! 4 boys! That's hard enough by itself, but throw 3 D boys in the mix and I don't know how you do it. But you do. And you're awesome!

  2. This was me last week. I was broken, I honestly felt like a horrible pancreas and was crying behind closed doors.

    Penny called me at like 8am. "He is growing. We can only do what we can do." She was so right. Deep breathe sweet friend, this too shall "pass", and some kind of normality will return.

    Until then ((((hugs)))) because I know nothing I say will take that ache away. Love you xo

  3. As a parent I think my biggest heart skips come when my son hurts even something minor sends me in a tail spin for a moment so I can Imagine how these few days have been for you Meri but do not dispair, the D has a way of throwing a wrench in our management when we least expect it. Be strong this will pass too. I would like to say that I hope it is the last time but we know better don't we.
    Best of luck and strong vibes coming your way.

  4. Meri, you have such an incredible way of putting feelings into always say what I am feeling.

    I am new to the DOC, but not new to diabetes. I have three boys: twins who are 6 and one who is 4. My husband is a type 1 diabetic, my six year old has been a type 1 diabetic for a year and a half, my four year old was diagnosed this past July, and I was in the hospital with my other six year old last night as the process of pancreatic failure is starting with him. So very few people can understand--TRULY understand--living with multiple diabetic children. I have felt so alone living with four diabetic men my in household... I don't know how I'm going to hold it all together. I don't know how to be that rock. I get lost in the remembering of what once was...what should have been...

    Thank you for sharing that I am not alone in my feelings--whether they be good or bad...high or low. You honestly pulled me up today, and that's a hard thing to do for others when you have so much on your own plate already. Thank you!

  5. I recently found your blog a few months ago and every post you make is like seeing a reflection of my heart on the computer screen. Thank you for sharing yourself and allowing others like myself to feel a sense of sameness. D is a fickle beast, it lulls you in with a sense of "normalcy" and when your routine is suddenly compromised by unexplainable highs/lows it's like the wind gets knocked out of you.

    I hope things settle down and that you will soon be able to catch your breath.


  6. Thank you. Thank you for being open and honest, and sharing your life with us. Somedays you make me laugh- some days you make me cry. You get it x 3! Please keep doing what you do. You are a wonderful mom and substitute pancreas. You inspire me to do better at both.

  7. Oh Meri - I feel your pain...deep within me.
    Our boy was dx'd when he was 18 months and he is a twin so the early years are a blur....
    Now he is 13 and doing everything that everyone told me he would, and I prayed to my very core that he wouldn't. Lying about numbers, still sneaking food - wanting the diabetes to go away so desperately that if he ignores it, it will indeed go away. I want his good health more then he does and it breaks me. I have a husband who lives with type 1 who isn't stellar but does a good job. He was diagnosed at 11 and never went through this 'phase'.
    I have a mom who was diagnosed at 42 who is now 67 and found herself living on her own last year when my dad died. I don't know who I worry about more my mom or my son but the bottom line is we all get through - i will, they will and please remember, without even knowing you, you provide the best D support that I've got because you 'get it'. Not like my husband because he wears two hats in this, and not like my friends who support me to the core but don't 'get it'. Hang in there 'my friend'. The sunshine is still looking for you!

  8. Exactly where we have been the last week too....

    ((HUGS)) I hear ya. Same same. Just keep swimming.

  9. My mind knows that sooner or later we'll figure it all out and I will feel better as quickly as all of the recent occurrences have brought me down...

    this. i know when things get so heavy it's even harder to see or believe it, but you'll get through this bit and will live to fight another day. you've done it before and you will do it again. all of the people you've touched, many of them commenting here, we all believe in you, even in those moments when you don't.


  10. Amen, sister!
    Bean's basals were finally working nicely and all of a sudden she's crashing when she shouldn't be and can sky rocket with no good reason.
    Hoping to find the rock within as well!

  11. Girl, I feel your pain. And I'm praying for some anesthesia for you. ; ) It almost sucks having that amazing time where everything goes well..because we get used to it, and it rocks us to our core when we go back to the roller coaster. : /
    I hope you get the boys figured out..seasonal change? Temp basals? I don't know..I suck, so don't ask me!
    Just praying for God to give you exactly what you need. Sending hugs!

  12. I really could relate to L's current state. Joe is checking like a ridiculous amount...and his fingertips are so,so,so incredibly calloused. Having a hard time here. Our numbers are suckage. I am tweaking...and trying to live as normal of a life as possible. Love you and I hope that "Ann" replaces "Worry" soon. xo

  13. Loving you through this. Wrapping my arms around you and telling you --Same Same. We will get through this --- we will all get through this together. I am here --- loving you through this.

  14. A friend of mine just recommended your blog a month or so ago, I have two daughters 11 and 14 that got diagnosed at 6 and 11, a year apart. The first blog of yours I read felt like you had opened up my brain and heart and wrote everything I was feeling and thinking! You have such a wonderful way to put into words the daily struggles and successes we deal with as parents of diabetics. Thank you

    Wendy Weston

  15. You have a beautiful name...Meri Ann, also known as mother, teacher, helper, writer, love, kindness, hope...and so much more. I understand where you are at, as we're right there, I try very hard to make all the effort possible to "fix" things without feeling too overwhelmed, too. Take care.

  16. Incredible post. Wow.

    I really think that sharing all of ourselves (the good, the bad, the ugly) on blogs, youtube and other social media sites brings us together.

    I'm not a parent of child with diabetes, but I'm an adult type 1...and this post hit home. "Leaving the house with just my wallet." Dang, when was the last time?? I almost don't feel comfortable walking to the MAILBOX without my diabetes paraphernalia!!

    Thanks for sharing and opening yourself up.


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