Today is the last day of Diabetes Awareness Month. I have blogged for 30 days straight and everyone must wonder, “What could Meri possibly have left to say?”
I wonder the same thing. But deep down I feel a small nudge. Something inside of me says there is something important left to say…and right now I am struggling to find the words.
I think it is so hard, because it is so personal.
The thing is…I don’t think about diabetes much.
Say huh? I know you are staring laser eye darts at the screen right now wondering what the hell I am talking about, but let me tell you…
I don’t think about DIABETES much.
I think about blood sugars. I think about carb counts and food. I think about trends and the safety of my boys. Yes, I think about those things all day long.
But what I don’t think about is what the word Diabetes really does mean to our life.
* How Diabetes affects my boys.
* How it will affect their futures.
* What it means to have this disease branded on to everything they do.
I just think about the day to day. The big picture, well…that is WAY too much for my psyche to handle.
I used to think about Diabetes as a whole. I used to think about it all the time, and that got me into a mess of a depression that took many many months to shake. But I know better now. Obsessing about diabetes and how unfair it is was only toxic to my well being. Thinking about how the highs are messing with my sons’ insides in ways I don’t want to even comprehend…well that is stuff I can’t think about anymore. ‘Cause if I did…I would really be mad. Not angry mad…more like psycho mad.
That is why I’m all cheery and sappy and counting blessings all the time and stuff.
The dark side of diabetes is no good to dwell on.
I have to FORCE myself to look at the bright side of it all. And you know what…there truly is a bright side. I have found that it is SO bright…you can snuff out the darkness if you stay positive and know you are doing your best.
I have always said: You can’t do better than your best.
Period.
So as I end this month, I want my readers to know that just because I dwell on the positive, doesn’t mean I am not 100% aware of all the negatives this disease has to throw at me and my sweet boys. Woe is me has gotten me nowhere…it dug me deeper into the abyss of misery and despair, and despite what anyone else says, negativity does not motivate a parent who has a child with Type 1 Diabetes. Sure, sometimes you need to tell people about the negatives to educate properly. That is part of why the “walk to cure” season is so hard for many of us. We are forced to write a letter that makes us look smack into the face of the reality of this disease. The sucky reality, I might add.
It isn’t easy to look diabetes in the face and say, “I know you. I know what you can do, and you scare me.” It isn’t easy, and it isn’t necessary to do every day of the year. Sure, we need to face reality once in awhile to keep us on our toes, but other than that…I choose to stay in my happy place. The place where I love my very best. Do my very best. And hope my very best.
That is where I need to be.
That is where my blog is right now.
So if it seems I’m too blasé about diabetes and how it affects our family…know that deep in the recesses of my swelly brain, I DO know the realities of all of this. But I choose to stuff it, and will continue to…until one day it all comes to the surface and I have to cleanse it off with my tears.
On my bad days, I’ll be here counting my blessings.
On my good days, I’ll be here dripping in happy thoughts.
Because that is truly what “Our Diabetic Life” is all about.
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Beautiful post, Meri. And now I don't feel so bad about not being able to participate in walks and stuff yet. I'm just not ready to go there. I'm trying to stay in my happy place on a day to day basis while ignoring the realities of D.
ReplyDeletewonderful post, it make me cry!!! Love ya :) and I'm so happy to know you!!
ReplyDeletep.s. I still want to hook M up with Kailny...I love that kid!!
That is in essence what we owe our kids... For me, I occasionally need to go into that dark space every once in a while. Somehow it helps me heal.
ReplyDeleteYes Meri!!!! I believe this with my very soul - that we do our best each day, we carry on, we live in the light and not the darkness, cause that's how we teach our kids that this D will not break us, will not let us stop living the life we were meant to live - whether it be for 1 day, 100 days or 100 years. Thank you for summing it up in a great post!
ReplyDeleteYou made it through 30 days - Congrats!!
I try to stay in my happy place too and not get too caught up in D. Does seem silly to say when we read and write blogs about D. I want the best for my son but know that stressing about the long term effects does no one any good...gotta do our best for NOW (which will help the long term). And our best is all we can do. Thank you always for your wise words and encouragement on this journey.
ReplyDeleteSo wise, this D-Momma from the west coast is! Apparently I'm channeling Yoda tonight. Anyway, thank you for all the wonderful wisdom you share with us Meri... you are like the Confucius of Diabetes.
ReplyDeleteYou just answered a question I didn't even know I had!
ReplyDeleteLet me explain . . . . I am weepy and 'down' tonight and was just starting to wonder why when I pulled up your post.
Then it hit me. We just got home from a 3 hour Endo appointment and while all went well, all the information and attention on diabetes just piled up and spilled over my brain. Made the big picture too 'in your face.'
So, now I know I can just make a decision to file it away and deal with it bit by bit, cause Ellie's carbs need to be counted and her insulin dosed and alarms set for tonight.
Ahhhhhhh. Much better.
How much $$$ do I owe ya?! ;)
LOVE IT!!!
ReplyDeleteI am actually looking into...falling into the "big picture" right now Meri...hence the silence from Beta Buddies. I need to work through it and drag my ass out of the hole.
Love you and your wisdom sweet girl!!!
Ahhh, Meri! I love you! We're thinking alike... in a way... my friend! Check me out tomorrow... :)
ReplyDeletePS - my word verification is "toxins". Weird?
Meri...OH MY...how you say it just right! That's IT!!! Read my blog when you have a minute (actually like 20 min. it's a bit over long! HA). As I begin my new journey of finding a way to reduce my anxiety and fear problem I will be remembering your very fine words...You are soooo right, I am dwelling on the disease...Totally dwelling on the big picture!!! Now that I say it out loud (or type it out loud) I see! Step by step, one day at a time...duh!? I can feel the air already. You are a gift Meri, Thank you! Loves and hugs.
ReplyDeleteI SO get what you're saying here. I just can't allow myself to focus on the big picture too often. It's too depressing!
ReplyDeleteThe glass is half full!
Great job with NaBloPoMo!
GREAT JOB, MERI!!!!
ReplyDeleteLove you.
Love your blog.
You have blessed me time and time again.
Keep up the good work...and let's just live for today :)
i so needed this right now. I cant such more cause i may cry. Thank u!
ReplyDeleteMeri you are a gift to your boys, a gift to us- the DOC. This really helped me understand where you come from and how to put it in perspective. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard sometimes to just focus on the now and not the big picture. I needed to be reminded of that. Thanks, Meri. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteWhat a profound post Meri!
ReplyDeleteAnother great post from the super, awesome Meri!
ReplyDeleteI too try not to go to that dark place. I hate thinking about it all on a day to day basis. November was rough for me since I was posting those darn facts every day. I wanted people to be aware of the severity of the disease. Made it hard for me to not think about it all!
Now back to my happy place. :-)
I have a lot to catch up on! Sorry I have been remiss in reading and commenting. Making up for it now ;)
ReplyDeleteI like you Meri....you and I think so much alike. I too know the crappy end of this disease and maybe people would think I was oblivious to it, when in fact I am not. We just CHOOSE to live our life to the very fullest day after day after day and we just ALLOW diabetes to tag along. You are right that sometimes we do have to have a reality check and maybe even a good cry here and there, but otherwise I agree we just have to put on our happy face and find "joy in the journey!"
ReplyDeleteNegativity can be really dangerous in our situation. In our beginning, I couldn't stand to be around a lot of the JDRF people because they were so awful! Bitterness and despair are toxic.
ReplyDeleteBut yes, we all go there from time to time. It's just more fun being in the positive playground! (if you can call it fun) :)
Nice post!
You don't seem blase at all. I try too to be responsible in my day to day. There's not much more I have control over. Just take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteGreatly awesomely wonderfully sweet post, Meri. You are a credit to the D-Blogging world, and to your boys' universe that makes us all even better. It's all about balance, and you nail it. Thank you. (BTW: I've tried flushing that creepy guy in the attic out by using the allure of Skittles, yet it hasn't yet seeemed to work...) :))
ReplyDeleteMeri, I appreciate you and all your post...uber sweet, gut wrenching honest and definitely swelly brain ones, too.
ReplyDeleteThank you a million times over.
This is a GREAT post! I love your attitude! It is so important in general to take life one step at a day and it couldn't be more true for life with a broken pancreas...It's good to have the future somewhere in the back of one's min but it just can't consume your brain like that because if it does you're most definitely gonna miss what's in the NOW and ...with life in general that might just be free tickets to a football game or...or a possible date...or your favorite show's new episode...but with diabetes, it might be a crazy low or an exhausting high.
ReplyDeleteOne step at a time. One foot in front of the other...