Still a little broken.

In a few weeks it will be 12 years we have been “working” with diabetes. When J was diagnosed I broke into a hundred pieces.

You would think that after so many years I would be healed by now.

You would think that after so many tears I would be dry by now.

But I still cry at too many songs on the radio. I still get shook up when one of the boys expresses ANY sadness about this disease. I still feel guilt when blood sugars don’t do what they should, even though I know it isn’t as much my fault as it is the diabetes itself.

I’m still a little broken.

Maybe it’s because our last diagnosis was only 3 years ago. Maybe when there is a new diagnosis it’s a do over…you start from the beginning. You need to go through all the stages of grief. But if that is true, does that mean that in time I won’t be broken anymore? That one day I’ll be ok with all of this?

Probably not.

I can’t imagine any of this ever being ok. I do imagine happiness with maybe a little peace sprinkled on top. But it will never be ok that my son puked because his tubing broke off his pump. I will never be ok with cleaning up bloody tests strips off the dresser after a long night. I will never be ok with sticking needle after needle into my boys. Finding my son limp on the couch as he declares his legs don’t work because he is low…that kind of stuff just won’t ever be ok.

It’s like I’m watching the movie of my life. It’s a happy movie…a fun comedy with the most endearing characters ever. There is action, suspense and most importantly…love. It is a fulfilling and blessed storyline. But as I watch the plot of this awesome movie unfold…it’s the background music that changes everything. The music is dramatic, with a sad undertone. All the scenes of my life take on a completely different context with diabetes in charge of the playlist.

It affects me.

It changes who I am.

I have awesome days. Days where diabetes has nothing on our family. We don’t let it win…we live! We live happily. And as time passes these days become more of our norm. Diabetes goes onto the back burner…we have control. We win the battles.

Until someone gets sick.

Or someone has a growth spirt.

Or until we eat pizza.

Or until a million different things.

Then we have to stop and remember the brokenness. We are stopped in our tracks to be reminded that diabetes is always there. It doesn’t let you live on autopilot for long…

I broke three times…and I am still standing today. That has to say something. Name anything you have broken three times…I bet it is in the trash.

I wonder if people can tell. Can they see the cracks that love has sealed back together? Is it obvious? I’m a literal patchwork quilt of cracks. I’m sure it is a little noticeable.

But I hope they don’t feel sorry for me. We are going to be ok. We ARE ok.

Not ok with how diabetes affects the boys. But ok despite how diabetes affects the boys.

Despite it all…we are still standing. Despite it all…we are still a family. Despite it all…we still love one another. Despite it all...we celebrate our blessings.

And diabetes can’t take those things away. It can take away my sense of humor sometimes, it can take away my patience sometimes, and it can certainly make me more serious about certain things…but it can’t take away the love.

And best of all…it can’t take away the hope.