Well in my life I often feel like…”Most of the time, my best isn’t good enough.”
I fail a lot.
In my eyes anyway.
It’s hard to fail ALL the time. It wears on me. It is overwhelming. Every time the boy’s blood sugars are not in range, I feel like I fail. It’s a ding to my armor…and my armor is seriously unrecognizable these days friends…it’s hanging on by a thread so to speak.
But, I walk around like my armor is all shiny and dent free…I can pretend anything away these days. A number will pop up…and I say, “It is what it is…let’s fix it and move on!” But on the inside I’m bracing for the new armor ding. Sometimes it comes as soon as I see the number…sometimes it comes in the shower when I am alone and can cry it out.
But here is the thing. Even though I feel like I fail all the live-long day…I look at my boys and I wonder, “How are they not a big affirmation of my failure?" Because they don’t look like a failure raised them.
They are beautiful. And smart. They are healthy. And happy.
Practically perfect in every way.
How can I fail so often and have such happy, well adjusted boys?
Maybe because my failures aren’t really failures? (Stay with me here…I’m trying to work this all out in my ridiculously swelly achy brain.)
Maybe, maybe…my failures are really small victories. AHA! A high blood sugar! I stab it in the gut with insulin and bring it down as quickly as possible. That is a win, right? The high isn’t staying there for days or even hours on end, is it? I karate chop it in the neck…and move onto my next victim. AHA! A low blood sugar! I nurse it back to health with quick acting sugar and a pep talk that would rival any NBA coach. I fix it. Is that not a win?
Every time we fix a blood sugar, it is a victory.
I think we’ve been looking at this all wrong. Well at least I have. I think all those blood sugars that are just not right…and let’s face it there are a lot…may be our chance to kick diabetes arse.
Maybe I’m not a failure.
Maybe I’m a warrior.
A kick butt one…one that has a rockin bod and long flowy hair…like She-RA or something.
Maybe I start off losing these battles…but I always end up winning in the end. I win every dang one of them. EVERY TIME. Sure, sometimes the battle goes on for hours…but it is won eventually. And in the grand scheme of things…isn’t that a victory?
Persevering…not giving up?
I will NEVER give up!
I will fight to the end!
After all…only failures give up.
And for this warrior and all her warrior friends out there…giving up will never be an option.
It is time for the boys snack, and that means another sugar check....CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gotta start with the little victorys right ? Love ya meri .
ReplyDeleteOh without doubt you are the farthest thing from a failure!
ReplyDeleteIt is diabetes that fails us.
You however succeed every single day. You have it right. Every time we check a blood sugar it is success. Every time we react to a blood sugar it is success.
Scott Johnson just posted about how D gives little to no positive reinforcement. So it's easy for us to feel like failures.
But you are a hero. Every day times three (okay 4 - can't forget that other guy). :)
I was feeling really badly about a 500 to 34 swing in one of the boys in a 6 hour period and this made me feel ever so much better. Thank you She-Ra, I agree so ferociously that I am reposting you- again.
ReplyDeletegreat thought, and great attitude! Good job, She-Ra!
ReplyDeleteOh you are like the anti-failure Miss Meri! Honest to goodness, 3 guys to track the D with and you fight each and every high and low. There is no one who has SUCCESS like you do. You may take it personally, but you are raising wonderful, healthy and aware boys. I cheer you on warrior-friend!
ReplyDeleteAnd that warrior attitude is what they will pick up as well. Keep rockin Mary..Keep Rockin.
ReplyDeleteThe DiabeticDuo
Love She-Ra LOL I used that reference all the time and my kids have no idea who he man or she ra is...
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog about a week ago and have really enjoyed all your posts....this one especially as I have been fighting high bgs all week...heck, all month! I decided yesterday I was going to kick these highs butts and really cranked up my son's basal rate and increased his insulin to carb ratio....numbers were better today, woohoo! I love the image of SheRa winning little bg battles! Thanks for picking me up and making ready to keep on fighting! We truly are warriors!
ReplyDeleteMeri-I LOVE this post! LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT!
ReplyDeleteYou are so right! Every time we fix a blood sugar, it is a victory.
That is where our focus needs to be We are warriors.
Thank you for inspiring me today!
And remember....you are not failing at all. You're taking great care of your boys.
Keep up those karate chops! : )
LOVED this....my dear She-Ra!! :)
ReplyDeleteI just loved this!!! It is a great reminder of how I need to try to approach life with D x's two, I am sometimes very hard on myself when it comes to how the numbers read when I check my girls blood sugars.
ReplyDeleteIt can be easy to beat ourselves up over the highs and lows of T1, but you are right...we are warriors and we are winning the battle everytime we catch them and treat them with insulin and a lot of love :)
You always inspire me and I just love reading your posts, thanks for another great one!
You, my sweet Meri, are NOT a failure! You ARE She-Ra! I agree - it's all about perspective. Instead of beating ourselves up about things that we can not control - even when we try super duper hard - we should look at is as the opportunity to give D a good swift kick in the groin! And I know I'd never pass that up! Love it and Love you! I'm feeling pretty She-Ra right now, myself! But you can bet it won't last. And when I see a crappy number - I'll remember this! THanks!
ReplyDeleteYou are hardly a failure. I am a teacher and I often see kids who need more from their parents. They are starved for attention and will do anything to get it. All of us D moms are in tune and paying attention to their needs all the time. Even though we may hate checking blood sugars, counting carbs, and so on, we are present for them all the time and that is part of why they are such awesome kids! Yvette
ReplyDeleteMeri I have to say you are one of my heroes! You inspire me every day with your roll as a pancreas X3 and a mom of 4. Thanks for your encouraging words. Great blog! =)
ReplyDeletethis is soo true.
ReplyDeleteWe were at a diabetes camp last week and our local hero, an endo MNP who gives out her cell number, said "there is no data for what complications your children will face. My opinion, not fact, is that they will not face one diabetes related complication - not one." I choose to believe her. Look at all we do, we check, we treat, we educate and above all love our children so much. I believe that we're blessed to have the medical technology available to us and the ability to do those things (check, treat, and educate).
So we are all heros and together we get to learn so much and lean on eachother.
Thanks for another great post.
I LOVE this post, Meri! =)
ReplyDeleteI feel like giving a big "HOOORAH!" shout. lol. Great pep talk! You rock! You are wonderful!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the attitude adjustment. Success is not measured by the BG meter reading, but how we respond to it. Ain't NO WAY we can predict and prevent highs and lows, but we can fix 'em and move on. "I am NOT your pancreas, I only play one one TV". - Mo
ReplyDeleteFARTHEST thing from a failure! This was an awesome post. The picture is great and you AND the boys are so strong and are great examples to so many of us. Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE AN AMAZING SHE-RA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I LOVE YOU!!!!!
CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great post, Meri. Your boys are clearly doing so well in the hands of their Super Hero Mum. Sometimes I think it is all the small details that are exhausting. And you have them times three.
ReplyDeleteI was telling someone the other day about you and your boys and when I got to saying you had a diabetes dog she said, "What?! Even her dog got diabetes?!!". I put her straight but it did make me laugh.
Dear Meri-
ReplyDeleteI think you kick d butt and I think you make She-rah look kinda wimpy. I think we shall rename She-rah, Me-rah after you. I like that Me-rah queen of all us d-rahs! OK I am going to stop before I
embarrass myself any more. My sleep deprivation is showing. Love you.
April
As always, you amaze me. I am just going to refer to you as She-ra from here on out...
ReplyDeleteI love this! I can so relate to everything you said in the beginning. Every number I see out of range is like a punch in the stomach. I really like how you put a positive spin on it! I will always think of this when I see those ugly numbers!
ReplyDelete