We've got to let it go.

The kids had Monday off.

NICE!

We had a wonderful lazy morning together at home and planned to go to my Sister In Law’s for lunch. Before leaving, I checked the boy’s sugar, two hours after they had eaten. J was 149, B was 128, L was 559…what the….!!!!

A million scenarios went through my head. Did I bolus him for breakfast? (Yes, yes I did.) Is his pump tubing broken? (No, no it wasn’t.) Is his pump out of insulin? (Nope, plenty on board.) So I did what any mom would do, I corrected him and checked again in a ½ hour. 402. Nice! Insulin is working, pump is working, all is well.

Except…where in the world did that number come from? As I thought about it for a couple minutes, it dawned on me that it was a lost cause. There was no figuring it out. It would remain one of those diabetes enigmas, and it was clear to me that I would have to move on. Sure I filed it away in my brain, and knew that if it happened again the next day I would have a pattern, and then that would be worth worrying about. But one stupid number randomly popping up…I had to let it go. GONE.

Guilt? Nope.

Wonder? Nope.

Worry? Nope.

I. LET. IT. GO.

Because tomorrow another child may have a random number pop up that I don’t understand. And if I let that one get to me, then I need to let them ALL get to me…and that just leads to depression and self loathing.

There is very little we can control with this disease. We can only do the best we can. Many families are dealing with a pattern of lows or highs right now. That deserves attention and the famous Diabetic Family Detective Work. But for those random numbers…those are par for the course.

Let it go.

Correct, recheck, move on.

I know we often feel guilty…it’s a syndrome that comes with our children’s diagnosis. I was weighed down with guilt about numbers for years. (I’m talking hundreds of pounds of weights on my shoulders.) I made mistakes and I would beat myself up so badly there was barely a life left to take care of my family. They had a shell of a parent, a shell of a wife for so many years…it was harder than it needed to be.

I still struggle with guilt. I have a long way to go to be the person I want to be. I mess up all the time and I let the guilt linger for sure…but when it comes to things I have no control over…ala a random 559…then I have learned to let it go. It hasn’t been easy, and sure I question myself, wondering if I should care more…but I see the picture clearer now and I understand there is only so much I can do.

So the moral of the story today is…choose your guilt wisely. If you forget to bolus your kid for dinner…correct and move on. There is nothing you can do to go back and fix it. It is over! Guilt will not help you; it will only drag you down. Sure, if you forget every night for a week, then one needs to take stock in their routine, but otherwise-

Forget about it!

I think all of us need to see this therapist when it comes to our guilt. I have my excuses, I try to validate my depression…but in the end, it’s MY choice how I handle things.