Certifiably Something...

Yesterday, a fellow soccer mom asked me, “So, how are you doing these days?”
And I paused for a second, because even though I was going to say the obligatory “good,” I was a little overcome with the fact that yes, at this point in time, I AM good.

Because usually…I lie.

I always say, “Good.”

But what I REALLY want to say is, “Overwhelmed, tired, confused, angry, sad…you know general mom feelings.” Because lately, well the past few years or so, September and October have been “bad months” for me. I know it has a lot to do with the new school year and introducing diabetes to three new classrooms, as well as the worry, anxiety and guilt over blood sugar numbers at school and at home. It’s a funk that I thought I would never shake…but yet here I am…being good.

And that, dear blogger peeps, freaks me out!

All I can think about is, “What’s coming? Why aren’t I on the verge of tears? Whose basals are going to go all catty wonkus this week? What horrible thing is on the horizon?” And after a whole day of analyzing things I have finally come to some kind of answer.

Somehow, in some amazing supernatural way…I am COPING better than I used to. I’m not sure that means I have grown so much as person or anything…I think it has a lot to do with the boys being older and handling their diabetes like champs. I also think it is because I have a great support group now, and maybe also a teensy bit because I just had a swa-eet vacation...

But, I think the most important change of all is that I have come to realize that my nighttime worrying ritual… is a waste of time.

(I KNOW!!!! It totally goes against the grain of who I am as a person!)

But lately, when the worry comes, and the pictures flash in my head, and the guilt storms into my bed after dark…I am able to say, “Meri, when you wake up, all of this won’t seem so bad. When you wake up, you will see all of this differently and your life WILL go on. Just because M missed marching practice it does NOT mean he will fail band…he just has to deal with the consequences! And just because you messed up copying the material for L’s teacher doesn’t mean she thinks you are a complete idiot! And just because you forgot to bring snack to B’s soccer game doesn’t mean people are talking behind your back! And just because J’s blood sugars mysteriously rise between 2 and 4am DOES NOT mean this will last forever…we’ll figure it out! And just because you have 2 children in speech, (with each requiring IEP meetings,) doesn’t mean anything more than they need help saying certain letters! It will be better tomorrow. For goodness sake…GO TO SLEEP!”

And I do.

Lately.

Nope, I don’t have it all together…I can fall apart at the drop of a hat, and I do…but lately I have been recovering faster. All these blogs I have been writing lately, of happiness and feeling goodness seem so selfish. Like I’m bragging…LOOK who is happy! But the reason I need to write it down is for SO LONG I was a wet mess! So overwhelmed. And it BOGGLES my mind that I am here, in this place…where I am beginning to look at life in regards to the grand scheme of things and not by each minute, superficial detail.

Diabetes fog can be so maddening. Cancer fog can be so maddening. 4 boy responsibility fog can be so maddening. Hormone imbalance fog can be so maddening. The world’s fog can be so maddening.

And maybe I am certifiably MAD, as in Mad Hatter mad…

But more than that…right now…I am certifiably coping.

And that, my friends, is progress.