I am holding two ropes. One in either hand. Each rope being pulled so my arms are taut.
On one side I have the pull of an army of friends and family. I have my faith and my hope.
On the other side I have despair. Fear. Pulled by a couple tiny thoughts. They are embarrassingly strong.
And as such. I stand here still.
Looking side to side it is a no brainer. Hope will win. I see the good on the hope side. The smiling faces full of love and prayer. Thousands of faces.
And on the other are pathetic thoughts that I let seep into my unconscious. Why do I allow it? Hope cannot win if I let the fear contend. I'm angry at myself for letting the fear become so strong.
It all seems so hopeless, being stuck in the middle.
One has to win.
And as I sit here now pondering the opposite forces that have taken over my life, it has occurred to me in this moment that I have all the power.
I can let go of either rope.
I can choose hope, or I can choose fear.
I choose hope.
I've chosen hope before, but it is amazingly clear to me now that I need to wake up every morning and make a NEW conscious decision to hope. Or to not.
THIS morning I choose to keep the faith that everything will be ok.
THIS morning I will choose to believe that there are bigger forces at work. Forces bigger than cancer.
THIS morning I choose to let go of the rope of fear and let the forces of hope propel me into their arms.
Hope is a choice. Faith is active. I can't sit here in limbo waiting time to pass. Waiting for answers.
I need get up and actively hope. Actively let go of fear.
TODAY I will. For me. For Ryan. For the boys. I am opening up my hand and letting go of that rope.
And tomorrow I will wake up and make that decision again. And the next day again.
And again and again and again. Until hope is all that is left...and there will no longer be need for the choice.
I can do it. I will do it.
It seems, there is no other choice.
Ultimately you are choosing to accept His will for you and your family. A leap of faith that not everyone makes and keeps. When you do, however, His promises are kept.
ReplyDeleteYou are an example of walking in faith . . . even though that road right now is bumpy, full of sharp turns, gritty and abrasive on your soles (& souls, and dark as the night. He is with you . . .as are thousands of prayers and supporting thoughts.
Love you, Mmmmmeeeerrrriiii.
I love this and I love you! Hold strong. I know you can.
ReplyDeleteGosh, I love you.
ReplyDeleteIt takes an unbelievable and admirable amount of strength to choose hope every single day, Meri....and I know that you are strong enough...you are amazing and I know we've never spoken, but I want you to know that I think of your family every day and pray for you.
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful and so incredibly true, Meri. We all make the decision to hope when we get out of bed each morning, but sometimes that rope of fear is harder to let go of. You are an amazing woman and I have no doubt that the love and faith that you and your husband share will pull all of you through and bring about some incredible miracles. Love you and keeping you all in our thoughts and prayers!
ReplyDeleteHope is . . . praying for a family I've only met online and knowing that my prayers are heard. You are such an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteHi Meri... I found your blog last summer and have really enjoyed reading it and getting to know your family a little bit. We too have 4 boys, about the same age as yours actually. Our oldest was diagnosed with T1 in 2008 at age 11. It has been encouraging to read your blogs, it gives me a boost on days that I wonder if anyone else gets it!?! I've been out of town and not getting to my usual things as much so I'm just now reading about your husband's diagnosis. I'm so sorry that your family is going through this trial, I will definitely be praying. Choosing hope, having faith and knowing that there is a purpose in all things is a gift that I pray you can hold close to your heart. God is Good, even when we can't understand or make sense of things.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping to read positive news... Prayer, ON!!!
Hi Meri, There is HOPE! Hope lies in the hands of the Lord. Give everything to him.....unload all of your worries and fears unto Him. He WILL see you through this. Every empty spot within us is open for His mercy and grace. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteyou inspire me daily Meri, thank you for sharing this post today. I am so glad you choose hope daily, I am so glad you know you aren't alone and that you have the ability to make some choices about things despite all that is occurring. ((HUGS)) lots of prayers sent your way.
ReplyDeleteRemember you have a community of people behind you propelling you towards the hope side too. We'll give you all the pushes you need!
ReplyDeleteYou are such an inspiration. I know you will choose hope every day. You will fight cancer, with those new drugs, holistically, in every way.... And I strongly believe you and Ryan will win.
ReplyDeleteI think that knowing that you have a choice, and consciously choosing Hope is half of the battle. Praying every day that the amazing God above will take care of the other half of the battle. Also praying that all of you will continue to have the strength to choose hope. Love you!!
ReplyDeleteI think we can all forget that we have that choice...whether we are in the midst of a big battle or just the regular, small daily battles.
ReplyDeleteAs always, you have a wonderful way with words and bringing things to our attention that need to be paid attention to!
You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Love you!!
absolutely beautiful. <3
ReplyDeletemay this song of good hope
walk with you
through everything
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DarK4nUf2i0
Beautiful post!
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Meri. Thank you for choosing hope and radiating it to everyone. You and your family are always in our thoughts and prayers, my friend.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a good example. Keep choosing Faith. Hard as it must be-it's the right rope. : ) We are all still praying! Love you!
ReplyDelete