I keep saying that over and over in my head and I have to wonder if it is really true, or if it is my self-deprecating "I'll-Never-Be-Good-Enough" inner judger doing all the talking.
You know?
It's like I have the devil on both shoulders.
"Meri, just give up...you are going to make a mess of it."
"Meri, you are a joke, stop before you make it worse."
"Meri, why even try? You don't have time to do it right!"
"Meri, you could do SO much better...you are letting people down!"
"BTW Meri, you are fat."
Yeah...devils are no fun at all.
So what does one do when the Devils spend the entire day picking on...one? Well, me.
What do I do?
What to do...what to do...
I don't have an answer for that one.
I always say, "You can't do better than your best."
I believe that. But what if you have no energy for your best? What if...all your get up and go, got up and left?
I need to refuel! I need a vacation! Hey, that Hawaii comment in my last post wasn't just me blowing hot air...my brain needs a serious break.
Lately, I forget everything. I remember half of what needs to be done, and forget the rest. I'm having to do double the duty because half of me forgets what the other half expects of it. Not okay when you are the mother to three boys who have Type 1. Not. Okay.
Am I losing you?
Am I losing my mind?
Is the blog-post-emotional-roller-coaster I've been taking you on the past few months making you rethink your trip to Disney?
Just a couple questions I am going to leave you with as I end this completely random, and completely unhelpful-to-anyone-in-the-world-post.
I'll be back soon, hopefully with a better outlook on things. I've put out a classified ad for an angel to sit on my shoulder full time. I need one of these little devils edged out asap.
Speaking of help wanted...I still haven't filled THIS position yet. Please let me know if you have any leads!
This post is NOT "unhelpful-to-anyone-in-the-world-post." Nope, not gonna buy it.
ReplyDeleteIt is helpful to know we are not alone. It is helpful to know our D-hero (that's you!) has rough days and doesn't feel like the superhero pancreas she really is. It is helpful to hear you feel inadequate and squichy-brained . . . because you speak for us all.
The blessing today is wrapped up in dark clothes, but we all know what is underneath . . . a sparkly rainbow unicorn who works magic with her pancreatic skilz!
Seriously, though. We love you Meri. Don't be gone too long. Tomorrow will bring another challenge and I bet you will beat that one into submission. I just know it!!!!
Yep, what Amy said.
ReplyDeleteWe look up to you and when you have a rough day, we feel "same"...thank you for that!!
So let's set up that trip to Hawaii and get all the Dmoms to come along!! I need a vaca too!!!
What do you say we go get some really big soaker water guns, fill them with holy water, and shoot the sh$& out of those devils? Then we can go get dessert and stick our tongues our at those little devils while we are sunning ourselves on a tropical island?!?
ReplyDeletePs- my devil tells me I'm fat too. He sucks.
I'll bring the duct tape to tape that devil's mouth closed. You are an amazing woman and inspire me every day to keep on keeping on. You my friend are who I think of when I am ready to throw in the towel becuase you do what I do Xs 3 and have been at this for many years. You are beautiful beyond words both inside and out. I hope you heard those words loud and clear and that devil has been shut up for a while. Love you girl!!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear that you're going through this roller-coaster of emotions :( Hopefully that angel position fills quickly :) And if you find someone for the nighttime check position see if they have a friend looking for a job too...I think there are many willing to hire and will pay BIG bucks ;)
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness though, I hope this downward slump passes quickly for you! Hope you get that well-deserved break soon!
Do they give those devils a script in devil school?? Mine are just as mean as yours!!!
ReplyDeleteI had the origional devil on my shoulder tattooed with flowers, but I can still hear him talking.
I agree... you need a full time shoulder sitting angel... and one that will kick some major devil bootie!
ReplyDeleteYOU are AMAZING, my friend. And until you get your full time angel, I will just keep reminding you of that! :o)
Love you!
Not helpful? BS!! Totally helpful to know we are all on that roller coaster from time to time and that we have devils that won't shut up!
ReplyDeleteI think we should turn the night check position into a co-op...there are enough of us in enough time zones that it could easily be a full time position!! Oh, that would be just fabulous!
I'm totally for a D-mom vaca...now to find someone with money to throw at us to go!!
I'm not an angel but I will come and sit on your shoulder! My crutches with extra sharp pointy bits (for snow and ice hopping) will come in really handy for devil bashing too!
ReplyDeleteWhat to do? What to do?
ReplyDeletePray sweetie, PRAY!
Keep asking God to take those devils away! They have no power over HIM! I will be praying that they leave NOW.
And as for who this blog post helps - I hope it helped you! And even if that was the only one, that would be enough.
Until you fill the angel spot, put on your shoulder a devil trap ...like a mouse trap...to get rid of those nasty-mouthed creatures!!!
ReplyDeleteYou're WRONG about the post being a "completely unhelpful-to-anyone-in-the-world-post." Just knowing you go through this too helps many of us!
I'm right there with you needing a break. This D business is draining!!!
I think you should talk out loud to your devils. Tell them off in public and maybe other will chime in. In all seriousness, I hope you are able to get over the voice in your head right now. Every morning before you get out of bed, say three positive things about yourself. Then do the same before you go to bed. Just do it.
ReplyDeleteTell the devils to go home.
ReplyDeleteThen get back to enjoying your life with your wonderful family.
It can never be perfect. What would be the fun of that? But, it's always an adventure. Especially with FOUR *5?* boys!
Get behind Meri, Satan! You are a stumbling block to her; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns. Matthew 16:23
ReplyDeleteFather, I come before you in Jesus' name, and I thank you for giving me all power and authority over all demons. I cover Meri and all her family members in the blood of Jesus. I thank you for your giant warring angels that are surrounding them, protecting them from all harm of the enemy. I command any evil to leave their area now in JESUS' name. I bind up every demon that was sent, transferred, or followed her, and I command the evil to come out of her conscious and subconscious mind, and all parts of her body in JESUS' name. Amen.
Praying you don't hear those awful voices any more. You are an amazing person doing the best you can to minister to other's needs, all while putting yours on hold. You aren't letting anyone down! Get yourself a little notebook and write every day what you want to get done, and then star the top three. You would do yourself a great kindness to only expect what's possible. : ) Treat yourself with love like you would treat everyone else. You deserve it! Hugs to you!! Holly
Meri, I am so right there with you right now. It's beyond words.....
ReplyDeleteYou stop listening to those nasty devils right now!!!! They don't know what they are talking about and they are spreading lies about you. You are beautiful and brilliant and funny and a wonderful friend - I know that even more now that I've got to spend time with you in person. Hey Devils, scram and let two angels sit on Meri's shoulder and remind her how much we love her!!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate! Sometimes we are our own worst critics and judges, that devil can sneak up on us quick and wreak havoc like no other. I feel your pain and frustration...I've been there lately myself.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs and prayers your way, dear Meri.
I so get this , at the moment our patch is a little rocky and I am so tired that not only do I forget what I'm doing I forget my sentances in the middle of speaking them , so yes vacation needed, and go tell the little devil to take a nap, your to tired to be bothered listening.
ReplyDeleteBB
Rhee
Yo...one of your devils stopped by last night. He told me that he thinks you're awesome, but doesn't want his boys to know he said so.
ReplyDeleteI'm calling him out.
You're rock -- even during the most evil moments...YOU FREAKING ROCK WOMAN!
♥ U!
I hate the FAT liar devil! Ugh!
ReplyDeleteI however love you, Sweet Meri and I think you are amazing! So, listen to me not the stupid devils and let's find our happy place together!
Tell that evil devil who called you fat to go to "hell"...oh wait...he is fine with "hell". Nevermind...kill him with kindness and maybe he'll freeze.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the Angel-Sitter. You should have no problems finding one...you my dear, are an angel to so many of us.
Love to you and yours.
Take some time. Get some fresh air. Look in the mirror and hey, there you are! Meri! And human!
ReplyDeleteTake Amanda up on her offer of pointy crutches to poke that devil off your shoulder.
You are loved. Very much.