A post title without a swear word.

(I couldn't think of a title for this post that did not contain a swear word. So I am generically entering the above title to protect the meek and mild.)

If it were physically possible for a brain to explode from sheer anguish…

OR, if it wasn’t just a saying, but true to life that a heart could explode from worry…

Last night…

I would have been found on my living room floor in pieces.

Literally.

We haven’t had a night like that…I don’t know…ever.

We were on in a 400 story building going up on the diabetes elevator, and someone thought it would be funny to press EVERY button for EVERY floor. Blood sugars had to go up all night long. No matter what we did, we could not come down. We were stuck…and we didn’t even have any crappy elevator music to calm us down.

Let me just tell you…all three were out of whack. ALL. THREE. Even B. B is never out of whack! He is my predictable one. He is my safe diabetes place. And to throw it in my face more, he was the one in the worst shape last night too.

We did all the trouble shooting. We changed sets…we changed more sets. We did system checks…We tried everything except a new bottle of insulin.

WAIT! I’m sure you are all like, “Meri! Why on God’s green earth did you not open a new bottle of insulin???”

Because…we didn’t have any more. We were out. (See how easily I typed that...like OH, Silly! We just didn't HAVE anymore insulin! It is so absurd I can't even wrap my head around it.) We filled all the reservoirs the night before. That was the end of it. We had full reservoirs of insulin…insulin that apparently had lost its potency.

Does Kaiser have a 24 hour pharmacy open within a 100 mile radius of my home? No.

Is there ANY 24 hour pharmacy within 60 miles of my home? No.

Was I willing to pay full sticker price for a brand spankin new bottle of insulin? Yes.

Can you just buy insulin off the shelf? I don’t know. I never found a pharmacy that I could ask.

All I know is we rode the highway to hell last night, and it was every bit as wonderful as the Highways name implies.

After blousing EVERY KID at 10, 12, 1:30, 2, 2:45, 4:00 and 5:00…we finally got them all down to wake up at 79, 95, and 150. And when they woke up it was like nothing happened. They were honestly smiley, happy, energetic kids bouncing off the walls, ready for their day. I was going to keep them home, but they wanted to go. “Why?” They said, “We feel fine!” So they get to go, and if they call me with high numbers at snack recess…it is straight home. By then I will have brand new insulin in my fridge and all will be right with the world again.

Just to put a cherry on top of all of this…last night my husband was supposed to wake up and go to work at 3:00am. I had fallen into bed at 2:45. His alarm went off for almost an hour and neither of us heard it. He woke up an hour late and in his haste, got a speeding ticket on the freeway.

Gee, could this day get any freakin better??? Best day ever for sure! :P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It has been years since I cried about diabetes. I really don’t let it get to me. It is self protection. Don’t let diabetes win. If there is a problem, fix it.

But last night…in its entirety, was cry-worthy. And I cried. Long and hard. Last night we had a storm come in…as I laid there in bed listening to the rain drops, clutching my Kleenex and hiccuping through my tears, for a moment, it felt like the earth was crying with me. Like all of the D mothers and fathers in the world were there with me…crying too.

Hating what this does to our children.

So I’m picking up the pieces of my exploded self and moving on. I will go to the pharmacy and get insulin. I will call my doctor and tell her I need a bigger prescription than what we are getting. We are down to the wire every month, and it isn’t ok. I will hug my husband even though I am furious we have a $400 ticket to pay. I will take Advil for my cry headache. And I will say my prayers, thanking the Lord that even after the worst of nights, my boys could run out the door this morning…vibrant and happy.

(Please excuse all the grammer and punctuation mistakes, I am writing this post on empty, it's a miracle I got down what I did.)