Swimming in happy. :)

I was really close to taking “happy mommy pills” once.

So. Close.

I was at the ob/gyn and I was sitting on the table in my gown, tears puddling in the corner of my eyes. I told her everything. I told her that I never felt normal, (whatever that is.) I told her that I cried at everything. That my life was uber-diabetic and that I wasn’t suicidal or anything, but my kids deserved more than they were getting. I didn’t want to be a robot mom. I didn’t want to have “bad days” anymore. I was in such a sorry state. She, in her own sweet way, told me I SO needed happy pills… but I fought it. “Maybe,” I pleaded, “maybe my hormones are off and some birth control pills would even things out.” She agreed it could be a possibility, but contended, no one would fault me if I needed a little “help.” We ultimately decided on the birth control pills and I promised I would call her if they didn’t help. I remember our conversation like it was yesterday. She so understood. She hugged me in the end and gave me a measure of empathy that just made me feel really validated.

A little catch up… I don’t NEED birth control pills for actual birth control. My husband took one for the team on that one. Another thing is we were losing our Kaiser insurance the next month and I knew I wouldn’t be able to return to this sweet doctor even if I wanted to. Also, anti-depressants scare me. I know they can help me; I absolutely, positively know it! But, I also know that SOMETIMES they make you feel worse before they make you feel better. And I am too much of a wimp to even fathom that.

So, I started the birth control pills…and vomited for a month. They made me so sick, which is so weird, because I had taken them many times before. But, by the forth week, I had to stop. And I had no doctor. So I just endured the sadness.

And it’s been a long two years since then. And I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I DID have a “little help.”

Why the TMI? A lot of information you don’t need to hear me say? Because today…for the first time in a VERY, VERY, VERY long time…

I FEEL GOOD!

REALLY, REALLY GOOD!

Not like I haven’t felt good or happy EVER, but it’s just really hard to explain.

I’m singing today. I’m so full of happiness and gratitude, and the weights that sit stubbornly on my shoulder have lightened. I FEEL different. I can’t stop talking. I am sincerely, positively, super Okay today. If I had to pick one word it would be, “light.”

I wanted to over share with you all because I think part of this happiness has to do with my connections with all of you. Yes, YOU! You, who read this. And you, who’s blogs I read. Like the sweet ob/gyn, your comments and your blogs make me feel validated. They make me understand that my feelings, my fears, and my confusion are not unfounded. Writing this blog has also helped me tremendously. It feels good to get it all down, and it forces me to look on the bright side of things.

Tomorrow? We will have to see. But I wanted to acknowledge to the world, to the heavens, that I feel amazing, and I appreciate it…even if it is for a little while.

I don’t want you to think I don’t have a good life. Au contraire mon frere, I have a GREAT life! And I have happy all around me. It’s just nice, for once, to be immersed in the happy.

Literally…swimming in happy!
:)