Tuesday, September 11, 2012

He promised


He promised that everything would be ok.


People make promises every day, and often they do so without taking any stock in what the word really means.    Ryan on the other hand, when he  promised something...it was set in stone.

Early in our relationship I remember driving to his parents house one evening.  He was telling me some fantastic story about work that morning and I was in a fit of giggles saying, "You did not!"  "That did NOT happen!"  At a stop light he looked me squarely in the eye and said, "I promise.  When I promise you something it is very sacred to me.  I only say those words when I am 100% telling the truth."  And looking into his soft eyes, I believed him 100%.  I took his lead and promised him back the same thing.

Soon after, we would try to trick each other by using a "B" instead of a "P."  "Bromise" was our inside joke when we couldn't promise but we really wanted to. 

Last week, the day before Ryan passed he looked me in the eye again and said, "I promise, no matter what, everything will be OK."

And that is why I had no idea he would pass on Sunday.  His promises meant something.  I wasn't worrying about the worst.  But even after death his words ring in my ears, "I promise, no matter what, everything will be OK."

He hasn't lied to me yet.

His service was overwhelming to say the least.  Mostly because of the love that people had for him.  My right shoulder is in serious pain, all the way down to my elbow from being hugged more sincerely by more people than ever in my entire life.  Ryan was a big believer in bear hugs.  Every hug I felt was given from him.

If I told you how many people mobilized to make his funeral happen, you wouldn't believe it.  Our church community, the diabetes community, our school community, Ryan's bakery customers...everyone had a hand in making the day absolutely beautiful.  The church has never been that full.  I'm humbled by everyone's willingness to serve our family.  I'll never be able to repay the debt, although I hope one day to pay it forward in meaningful ways.

It was a perfect tribute to a man who was practically perfect in every way.  And best of all, I knew Ryan was there with me...with all of us.

He hated funerals, but without a doubt, Ryan approved of this one. 

As hard as Saturday was, as it has always been in my life...love prevailed.  I am encircled by love from my church friends.  I am enveloped in love from the people who loved Ryan most.  And I am embraced with an overwhelming love from the DOC.  My facebook page has lit up like a Christmas tree with letters, songs and words of hope.  Each message has pierced my heart.  I can physically FEEL the love jumping off the page for our family.  I'll never be able to thank you enough for softening my heart, and especially for making me feel like I'm not alone in all of this.  The donations our family has received is humbling to say the least.  I know many families sacrificed to donate that money.  Your kindnesses are not unnoticed.  In fact, they help me breathe. 

I have faith that everything will be ok.  Doesn't mean I'm not scared.  Doesn't mean I don't throw up every morning taking in the enormity of it all...it just means that I'll continue to walk in faith, knowing that my Heavenly Father, and my angel Ryan will pave the path ahead for our family.

Somehow we'll get through this. 

He promised.  And as always, I believe him.


44 comments:

  1. <3

    Meri, sometimes...I don't know what to say. So I leave a <3 so that you know I was here.

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  2. ((HUGS)) ...Love and con't prayers Meri! xo

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  3. You, my dear, are beyond remarkable. I know your children will always benefit from you and your husband -- just as I know he is at peace knowing you feel his Promise. I am humbled to read your words.

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  4. No words - just more love and hugs...

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  5. Meri, you amaze me. I don't know what else to say, except you've been in my thoughts so much lately. So many people love and are inspired by you.

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  6. Love to you, Meri. Lots and lots of love.

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  7. God bless you Meri. I've been thinking about you and praying for you and your boys. It's going to be OK. May the Lord be ever close to you now, and with Ryan standing beside Him. May the joy of the Lord and our eternal promise fill your heart in moments of lonliness. Love, Holly

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  8. I have a big lump in my throat after reading this. With love and prayers from the Park family.

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  9. Yes...God bless you Meri...and your boys!
    I know He will.
    <3

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  10. <3 - I wish I could have been there to give you a hug. I too believe in big genuine bear hugs. They really do help.

    Praise God for comforting love.

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  11. You are one hell of a woman and your faith is beyond anything I can imagine. I love you, Meri.

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  12. Families are Forever....Eternity, this brings me peace and hope, I sincerely hope it brings the same for you. You and your boys are in my thoughts often and my prayers too.

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  13. Yes, yes it will. with continued prayers, love, and hugs!! :)

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  14. Love to you and your beautiful boys, Meri! Lots and lots of love.

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  15. wow, you are truly amazing and may not konw this but you ARE paying it forward in every word you write. I read with a lump in my throat, your words are truly special and in that way you are helping others. Your boys are surrounded by love, prayers are with you all from the Grubbs family

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  16. I'm glad you referred to him, at the end of the post, as "my angel Ryan". That means he's still looking over you and the boys, and can now influence things that he could not control while here on earth. The only thing he can't do is stop you from missing him.

    He's keeping his promise. I'm sure of that.

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  17. May God continue to bless you and your family Meri. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Romans 8:28
    New King James Version (NKJV)
    28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

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  18. <3 I second Reyna's heart. Just want you to know I'm here.

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  19. Beautiful and inspiring... Just like you. Hugs to you and the boys. Love you Meri!

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  20. I have never met Ryan, but I know from everything that you have written about him, he is up in heaven making sure that you and the boys are OK.

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  21. Beautiful, inspiring & I <3 you so much!

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  22. Thank you for continuing to inspire us with sharing yourself so expressively, Meri, and with such extraordinary strength. Saturday's service was moving and beautiful.

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  23. I love hearing you say that you feel enveloped in LOVE! I know that your special angel has a hand in orchestrating that. Love you MTW!

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  24. Meri, you write so beautifully that when you put words on a page, I feel like I am there with you. You have SUCH a gift and have chosen to use it so well, giving hope to so many. So many people will read this and know that they too, will be OK. We love you (even those who have only met you through the wonders of the internet) and WILL be with you each step.

    With you in spirit and heart, Anna P

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  25. Thank you for reminding me today and yesterday and tomorrow what this life is all about. Your struggles expressed through your words are humbling and inspiring all in one! You must need a big home on the other side and that is why Ryan went on ahead to prepare for your beautiful family. He will be in the air that you breath, the sunsets, the rain storms, the smiles, the hardships. Look for him, he is there. Afterall that is what eternity is all about. We aren't left alone, sometimes we just need to look harder to find them!!! Thank you for grounding me today and reminding me of the covenants I made with my family. It is incredible what we know, what Ryan knows. Heavenly Father sure is a wonderful loving Father. Don't throw up too much or too long either. This new journey in your life, there is a reason, He will let you know when the time is right. :) Smiles and hugs!

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  26. You don't know me. I know very few people in the DOC, but I read your blog. I just wanted to say that I am very sorry for all that your family has been through, but I agree that everything will be alright. You have love and strength that you are just beginning to discover the depths of. Your boys have the same. You will all do things that you never knew you had the strength for, but do not be afraid. You can do, and you can do it well. Everything will be ok. :)

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  27. Meri, he wouln't have promised if he didn't know, deep down inside, that everything will be ok. He's watching over you and the boys...keeping his promise. Love and (((hugs))) (the big bear kind).

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  28. Just wanted to say I love you and I so glad you are seeing the good in his promise... we love you

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  29. I believe his promise is one that will happen, if for no other reason, because you are strong and you have the support of many who love you and the kids. While Ryan can't deliver on it personally, I think his promise was made with knowledge that everything, would in fact, be OK.

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  30. I'm with Reyna... sometimes, I don't know what to say, but want to leave a mark that I was here, and I'm thinking of you and the indisputable grace you show at a time like this.

    You are wonderful.

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  31. You and your precious boys will be ok. What a gift he gave you and the boys before he continued on to his next journey. I have tears reading this and to hear the great love that all of you have for each other is just amazing. Remember "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it". Love to you and your family Meri, you have been in my thoughts.

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  32. I do not know you personally, but read your blog because I have a son with T1. What a story you are living out...My heart absolutely breaks for you and your family and I am amazed and inspired by your faith, strength and heartfelt words. I always remind myself that God doesn't give us anything that we cannot handle... which doesn't mean that we have to welcome all that comes our way, but that we can go through it trusting in Him. I pray that you continue to trust God and find strength and comfort in those that love you. With your faith, everything WILL be okay! My prayers continue for you and your family.

    KC in KS

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  33. I love you Meri. You and the boys. What a tribute. While reading I couldn't help but be reminded of a truth that Ryan understood...sometimes our needs are met through others. Ryan knew this. He knew the many communities that you are part of and how much you are loved. He KNOWS it will be ok because he knows your needs will be met through the many people and communities that surround you. Lots of love and prayers from my home to yours. xxxooo

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  34. I heart you Meri. You married a great, great man. He and HE keeps his promises, I just know it. Sending you love from PA.

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  35. I read this to my mom today (as I have read to her many of your posts). We both cried so much through it (as we have through some of your other posts). We are praying, Meri. Such ABSOLUTELY beautiful LOVE you have shared and continue to share. His promise will surely hold you up.

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  36. I wish you peace, Meri. My family is praying for yours.

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  37. Every day your faith and strength inspire me.

    Sending more love and hugs that you can imagine, <3

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  38. Your blog is so inspiring . . .and I truly BELIEVE too that Ryan's promise is right . . .all will be well . . .after all he said it with a P . . .not a B and that makes all the difference . . .Love to you sweet Meri . . .continued loving thoughts and prayers for you every day.

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  39. The enormity of it must be overwhelming, and at the same time, the outpouring of love for Ryan is amazing. Thinking of you and your family.

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  40. Another person adding a <3 to let you know I was here.

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  41. Meri, I'm sorry to learn of Ryan's death but you express yourself beautifully when writing about him, your life together, and your boys. Prayers for you and your children. Blessings on the rest of your own journey.

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