I had a vivid dream last night that culminated in a scene of
me being surrounded by those I loved: My husband. My children and my
step-children. My parents, and in laws. My sisters, brothers, sister in laws,
brother in laws, friends, family. The little boy who plays with my youngest
from down the street. People from church. People from the DOC…
I looked around at this hodgepodged group of people and
wept.
Wept with gratefulness, that I have them in my life.
And when I woke, the feeling stayed with me.
Last night my family sat around the living room and took the
time to, one by one, recognize a tender mercy that recently occurred in our
life. As we each focused on a small blessing in our day, the mood in the room changed
immediately.
This morning I rolled over in bed after my husband left for
work and looked at a pair of shorts he had tossed next to the dresser. That
crinkled piece of clothing evoked an unspeakable wave of emotion. I love the man
that put them there. Those shorts were a symbol of his presence, an
acknowledgement that I have someone to share my life with. I’m not alone.
I’m not alone.
All this to say…it’s there.
Gratefulness.
It is in me.
And this gratefulness is bigger than the mess that’s inside
of me. It’s brighter. Truer. And will ultimately help in my healing, I am sure.
I’ve been inspired so significantly by the last 24 hours
that I wanted to come here and pay homage to the good in my life.
My brightest light:
Right now that is my husband.
I’m so imperfect.
But so is he.
And we glory in it.
He accepts me and loves me in an honest and tender way. I am
safe to be who I am and feel what I feel. It’s not always pretty, but he loves
me anyway.
And because of this unconditional love, it’s safe for me to
love him unconditionally back. My expectations of him are real. We entered this
marriage promising to accept each other for who we really were. We promised not
to pretend we were anything other than our authentic selves.
And authentically? We’re kinda a mess. (He’s a sexy mess, so
that helps :)
But we’re able to take the shame away from the mess by
communicating, understanding, and forgiving.
And by promising to always try to be a little bit better
every day, or at the very least…just try.
The hard things in life can come, but our feet will stay
planted. We’ll hold each other through
it, and ground ourselves with our faith.
Us coming together was not an accident. We absolutely know
that.
I cannot deny that I’m here today because of tender guidance
from my Heavenly Father. Believe what you will, but I know what I know.
So when things get hard, my husband and I are able to look
at each other and know…it’s going to be ok. Because we know we were brought
together.
We absolutely know it.
The broken pieces in me, he fills up. And his broken pieces?
I hold on to them so he can stay together too.
Why things have to be so hard? I’m not sure. But through
every gust of wind, we draw closer.
That is my greatest gift.
I replied, “Love. Knowing I am loved, and loving others. I
can’t think of a worse prison than thinking I am alone and completely
insignificant.”
They followed up with, “What do you most dislike.”
“Bitterness. Hopelessness. Negativity.”
No wonder I’ve hated myself these past months. I’ve embraced
qualities that I most despise. I’ve
viewed myself as insignificant; failing to live up to the vision of life I was
most expecting. I’ve felt bitter, helpless, and instead of the Meri that
embraced positivity, I edged toward the other side of the force…negativity.
Doug builds me up, and then I fall apart. (Just like the song,) And then he builds me up again.
I’ve been focusing on the falling apart, and my failure in
it, instead of glorying in the building up.
I’ve always got back up from the setbacks. How come I
haven’t been able to see the victory in that?
And even at my worst, I’ve been able to build my husband up.
There is strength in that. Why haven’t I recognized it? I recognize it now, and
this time as I begin the building process again, I feel the difference in my
structural strength. Because this time I’m not letting Doug build me back up
alone…this time I’m helping too.
We build better together because we’ve lived long enough to
know life is too hard and messy to travel without empathy and love.
I know I am blessed.
I know it.
I’ve realized that I can’t stop the chaos that is around
me…but I can step out of it. I can choose not to be caught up in it, and serve
as an observer rather than a constituent.
It will be a process to fully embrace this, but now that I
know that it’s possible, I will do it.
I’ve stood up.
My dream last night helped me look at all of this from another
angle.
I have love. I'm so grateful for it. What else do I really need?
As always: forward.
I am so happy you have found Doug. He is so sweet!!!! Love you both.
ReplyDelete"Believe what you will, but I know what I know."
ReplyDeleteWhen this is fully grasped----our worlds spin......really spin.
Perfect is only the realization of what "unperfect/imperfect" represents.
Thanks for the reminder friend.
<3 :)