Diabetically Overwhelmed.

I consider myself a very strong person.

Hell…look at my life! I live it…I endure it…I celebrate it…I am happy! I stand up for things I believe in. I’m not afraid to speak my mind.

I am no wimp!

Unless…I am at the pharmacy. It seems as though I am a different person when I go there. I feel extremely vulnerable. It is always very emotional for me and for some reason I leave my backbone at the door. (Please see previous post.)

Today was no exception. I walked in needing insulin and needles. Not a tall order…just one child’s worth of insulin and a box of needles to use as back up when a pump is malfunctioning. Seriously…is that too much to ask for?

As I stepped up to the counter I handed the gentleman 3 insurance ID cards.
“I need insulin…It doesn’t matter who’s prescription you fill, they all use the same stuff…please just fill one and mail me the others.”

Then I got the look. The look that I have told myself a million times I am just imagining. The look that burns my heart…and it is always followed by the same question…

“ALL three are diabetic?”

“Yup,” I say. “All three.”

“Well, this one is 60 days too early…and this one is out of refills. Call back in a couple days to see if they will refill it.” He printed something out and handed it to me. (Which I assume meant that J was OK for insulin.) “Next,” He says.

“OK, thank you. But I also need needles.”

He types. He types and types and types and mumbles…”Sorry, there are no needle prescriptions here.”

“Well, I have gotten them here before…”

“No,” he says…”It’s not in here. Are you sure you've gotten needles before?”

I don't even qualify that question with an answer. I just raise my eyebrows and give him a look that says...obviously yes, I have gotten needles before.

And then he gives ME a look. A look like…what do you want me to do about it?

“Well, I need needles. Don’t you have a protocol for something like this? Can’t you call a doctor or something. I am out and I need just one box.”

Without a word he walks away and prints something off his computer. Which I can only assume means he is taking care of it. No…”Here you go.” No…”It’ll be ready in a few minutes.” No…”The name will be on the board when it is ready.” He just walked away and then walked back, looked over my head, and said, “Next.”

As I went to sit down I wondered why they hired such jerks to work here. Are these people trained to have no emotion? Maybe I’m just sensitive. I talk myself down. I think I’m blowing it all out of proportion.

But then I watch him…and what do you know…he’s smiling at people. He is laughing…he is nice. With me he was a complete jack a**…but with everyone else…a ray of sunshine. I examine my behavior. Was I a bitch in any way? No, in fact, I was very nice and sweet. Hey…I can be nice and sweet people…I do it all the time!

So I wait. And B’s name pops up…which is weird…because the tag I have is for J. So I am left to assume that the needles were put under B’s name. And then I wait for J’s name. 30 minutes I wait. Finally I wait in line for the counter to see if there is a problem.

I’m with a lady now. I politely explain my situation and she goes off to look. She returns with a box of needles…and ONE box of insulin.

“He is supposed to get four bottles.” I say.

“Oh, well this is all we have.”

My insides are on fire…tears begin to burn the corner of my eyes…

“I’m sorry miss…but I have THREE Type 1 Diabetics at home. This bottle of insulin will last me less than five days. I am completely out of insulin at home. I need more.”

“Umm, sorry that is all we have.”

TIME OUT! We all know that this is a lie. There is more…they just want to hold onto it. There is NO WAY they are out.

“Please, I just need one more bottle…and you can mail me the rest.”

“Listen MAAM! I am trying to help you here, but you are not listening to me! Obviously mailing won’t help you because it takes 7-10 days to get it by mail There is no more today…you’ll have to come back in 2 days when more comes in.”

This is where I stop fighting. This is where I am using all the power in me not to cry.

You should have seen her face…like I was some unruly freak begging for a hit.

So I left with one vile of insulin and was able to make it out the door before I began to hyper ventilate in tears. WHY!!! WHY is it so emotional for me? WHY am I so insecure in there? Why do I let them get to me? No one else gets to me….only them. It’s like they have this power over me. This power to control whether my boys get their medication or not. This power to make me feel like some unreasonable homeless person, begging for two dollars when somebody gives her one.

It’s just always a bad experience all around. I guess I should note that all of this took place after a very unsettling conversation with our school principal. I asked her this morning if I could sell cookies after school the day before World Diabetes Day. They would be round shortbread cookies with a blue circle on them. Attached would be a card explaining Type 1 on one side and Type 2 on the other.

After asking, the principal laughed. She l-a-u-g-h-e-d…She. Threw. Her. Head. Back. And. LAUGHED! And then said…”Isn’t it counterproductive to sell cookies when educating about diabetes?”

“Well actually,” I countered, “that is the point. I want to educate people that Type 1’s CAN eat cookies, and dispel some of the myths about our disease.”

“Oh, well yes,” she says….”I’ll check and see with the main office if it’s ok.”

She is new. She doesn’t really know anything yet…but seriously woman…

I totally accept the fact that maybe I’m a bit more sensitive today after the ignorant letters and blog comments that have been flying around the web lately…

But, I don’t know…I feel diabetically overwhelmed today.

And I needed to vent. If you made it through this entire post, God bless you. You have a heart. Its people like you that restore my faith in mankind.